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Ladyd67 Asked November 2023

How to cope with mom going from home to long term care in nursing home?

I have been taking care of mom for the last 3 yrs in her home 24/7. She is 95 yrs old. She has had several falls. This last time she fell she broke her hip and had a partial hip replacement surgery. She has been in a rehab facility for the last 2 months with therapy. Therapy now feels that she has reached her plateau and there is nothing else they can do for her. She is a lot weaker since her fall and had mild dementia. I was always able to lift her at home with some of her assist, now I cannot lift her. She is dead weight. I am going on 70 yrs old and therapy feels it is not safe for her or I to return her home. They have recommended moving her to long term. My siblings and I have tried to come up with solutions and there are no other options other than for me to continue to care for her in the home and take the risk of one of us getting hurt. She is very strong minded and stubborn, and I know will fight not going home. I am expecting some many emotions from her, anger, blame, depression and possibly withdraw. How do I deal with this guilt that I am letting her down and help her and myself accept this new normal? Help!

AlvaDeer Nov 2023
Is it not worth RAGING AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT?
Let your Mom have her rage and her tears. In fact, cry with her. Tell her you are sorry, but you can no longer care for her. Tell her you hurt and feel guilty and wish this were not so.
And tell her finally that it is so, and that her tears are justified, and that her rage at all that is happening to her is justified, and that you understand, and that you will visit her.

My dear, guilt in not appropriate here. You did not cause this for your mother and therefore you literally CANNOT be guilty.
You cannot FIX this for your mother. And therefore you cannot be guilty.
What you are feeling is best filed under the other g-word, as I call it--grief.
We want to avoid grief for ourselves and for others. And we will do anything to avoid it. We will blame doctors and facilities and all sorts of thing to prevent having to face that this was inevitable, and that you are losing your mom, who you hoped to keep safe until she could go, but who is NOT going, and who you cannot care for any more.

This isn't going to be fun for anyone. This is sad and it is worth grieving however that manifests. I am so sorry. We just had a poster here who said he didn't want to hear that people are sorry. But honestly, what else is there to say? You are sorry. We are all sorry. It is a part of life, this grief, the cost of love and family.

I wish you the very best. Correct that word "guilt" to "grief" I beg you. The words we tell our circling brains are very important.
Hothouseflower Nov 2023
This is a beautiful post.
lealonnie1 Nov 2023
Your mother is 95 years old and has already outlived the mortality rate by 17 years! You're 70 and have cared for her for the past 3 years, to your own detriment. When does YOUR old age begin? Never? Now your guilt and obligation tells you, along with a selfish mother, that you should take her BACK into your home AGAIN and turn it into a nursing home, picking her up whenever she falls, so YOU can go to the hospital and then rehab? What happens to mom THEN? Why, she's placed in managed care, that's what!

Let common sense override guilt and obligation whereby you acknowledge your age and limitations now. An elder caring for another elder is not a doable situation anymore. Long term care for mother is the ONLY solution for both of you.

Best of luck.
Oedgar23 Nov 2023
“An elder caring for another elder is not a doable situation.” YES. Very true. I’m going to tuck this one away for future use. I’m “only” 52, but have a lot of chronic pain issues, osteopenia, and metabolic syndrome. If anyone tries to make me be mothers 24/7 care, this phrase will be used.
Ive watched (and helped) my 72 year old MIL take care of her 95 plus year old parents for years. Her sister, slightly younger, helps. It’s still too much. The only good thing is grandma is finally in AL. They still do more for her than they should. Grandma felt the shower help was too intrusive, because she just needs someone near, not to actually be bathed. But it’s still better for all that grandma is in AL.

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Midkid58 Nov 2023
You have already done 'more than' was expected or required.

Trying to keep an aging elder in their home can become a burden that quickly outweighs your ability to maintain some sense of equlibrium in your life. (and the life of other family members).

At 95, she has already outlived her 'quota' for lack of a better word.

I am 67, but no way could I lift my MIL to help her. My Dh is a big man, but he comes home from a day with her care and it takes him a couple of days to recover. Emotionally AND physically. He and his sibs will never, under ANY circumstances allow their mother to enter a NH. So they go about ruining their lives, their spouses lives and even affecting their grandkids--all in the name of keeping one sick, old lady 'independent'.

Yes. she'd be furious at moving to a NH. But she's furious NOW.

I had a visit with my cardiologist yesterday. The 'spillover' stress is causing ME to have heart issues. Now I have to treat MY problems b/c my DH will NOT listen to reason and continues to put his mom first.

PLease consider all the players in this 'game' before you bring mom back home to live. The care is far worse than having a new baby (and you're not in your 20's with the accompanying energy!)
ElizabethAR37 Nov 2023
"Quota" is a good descriptor for excess longevity, too. I've been known to cite the body's "use by" date which I think is more or less the same thing. At almost 87, I may be closing in on that. Humans use up their physical (and mental) resources at a wide variety of ages.

Despite lifelong back problems and 3 surgeries in my youth, I was sailing along fine for the most part until I hit 80. The next five years were slower-go but still O.K. At about 85 I started transitioning from the slow-go to no-go phase--which is continuing. So far, 2 years later, I'm still doing ADLs/IADL's, albeit not as easily. Still, that's a plus. I have no ambition to be a "super-ager". I hope to make my Final Exit BEFORE I get to the 100% no-go stage!

My spouse is 94, still upright and fairly mobile, although he has balance issues. There are some short-term memory glitches, and he can't always come up with the right word for things, but I think he's doing better than I am physically. Go figure.
Hothouseflower Nov 2023
I’m going through the same thing right now. I was blunt about it, I told her she cannot come home. There is no one there at night and it is not safe for her to live alone any longer.

I told her I am pushing 70 and do not want to take care of her and neither do my sisters.
I refuse to move in full time and be the martyr if neither of my sisters want to help work out a schedule. If they did, I might have considered Helping every third month. This caregiving situation can go on for several more years and that is quite an investment of time. These are my last good years before I start to fall apart and have health issues.


So this is where she needs to be now for all of our sakes. We cannot navigate any more crises. The stress level
is high. My sister is having marital troubles because of this situation,

We placed her with my dad. They are on the same floor, don’t share a room. At least they are together. There is that.

Also my mother did not hesitate to put her mother in a nursing home. So I am not going to feel any guilt about this. I am not doing anything she did not do herself.
waytomisery Nov 2023
Truly amazing . Same here, My Mom put her mother in an SNF without batting an eye . Mom was 70 and grandma was 90.
My mother didn’t work but couldn’t take care of grandma . However, later on my mother ran me ragged for years ( while I was also working ) and refused to go to AL .
My aunt ( was 14 years younger than my mother ) came and took grandma home with her and eventually my aunt paid for help to come to the house the last one of the three years that she lived .
Daughterof1930 Nov 2023
Decide now not to listen or participate in any conversations about the situation being different or better. This will be a bitter pill for your mother, it would for most anyone, but rehashing it and blaming you or others doesn’t fix or change it, it only feeds the bitterness and anger. Make the change as positive as you can. Every time I visited my mom I tried to go in with a joke, it was often silly, but she’d laugh and it would lighten the mood. Don’t allow guilt in, you didn’t cause this, it’s just the sad reality of advanced age. I wish you both peace

Chriscat83 Nov 2023
Ladyd, you have my sympathy. I'm going through the same thing right now with my mother so I'll share my approach in case it helps. She now has multiple health issues but is in complete denial, doesn't bother to see a doctor and has been covering up her various health declines. Things came to a head last weekend with a couple of infections caused by poor hygiene amongst other things. I've now got the medics involved and we all agree she needs to go into long term care as she is struggling on her own. She is famously unwilling to ever spend money so there is no way she will agree to this. She will either expect me to devote my life to managing her problems, or just fester in her own mess instead. Fortunately I have Power Of Attorney over her affairs, so can pay for her care with her money as it is in her best interests. Firstly I have told her the medics want her to go to a special convalescence place (the care home, which offers this service). She has reluctantly accepted this "because the medics said so" whereas if it was just me saying this she would refuse. Then when she is in there I'm going to keep adding on another week, then another until it becomes permanent. Her doctor has told me this is an accepted and effective approach. When she goes crazy about how much this is going to cost her, I'm telling her that because of her former career as a government employee, the govt will pay rather than her. She has plenty of funds. Sometimes a few untruths are needed to make essential things happen. I know our individual circumstances are different, but I hope some of this helps.

blickbob Nov 2023
She's gonna have to accept the fact that she's gotten to where the nursing home is necessary. If you can't physically lift her up anymore, it means it's time.

Fawnby Nov 2023
Remind yourself that you’re doing your best to keep mom safe in a place where professionals can care for her. Visit her often, take treats for her and the staff, and don’t listen to mournful dirges from mom. Make every visit special somehow - and thank your lucky stars that there are qualified people to take care of her.

Llamalover47 Nov 2023
Ladyd67: You cannot do the job that the medical professionals in an SNF will do. Ergo, since you're an elder yourself, relinquish these duties.
anonymous1732518 Nov 2023
True, you hope you pick one where the staff will be attentive to the residents needs
MJ1929 Nov 2023
Bottom line, we can't always have what we want. Life doesn't work that way, so it's time to make lemonade from the lemons life has handed your mother.

Let her be sad, be understanding, but this is a non-negotiable situation. You can be sad together because you are both sad, but it doesn't change what is.
anonymous1732518 Nov 2023
OP's mom can look forward to 5 (maybe 6,) days of watching the old country Western shows and Walker as an example
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