My mom fell and broke her hip in July. She refused to do any type of therapy while she was in the hospital for that two-week duration. She then was transferred to a rehabilitation nursing facility. That was also a nursing home and has been there now. Just shy of four months, my mother currently still requires assistance sometimes two people sometimes only one person to get up out of bed to use a walker and she needs assistance holding her up. She needs assistance bathing she needs assistance with all her daily activities. Some of this could be just refusal to do them just like she refused or only participated in her physical and occupational therapy in a very limited way. I had this point at four months after the surgery of hip repair, not replacement but repair she has only walked 100 feet using a walker with 1 to 2 aids, holding her up she is still requiring the assistance in showering. There’s no reason for that she Hast to have help getting out of bed. She cannot do it by herself. She refuses to except that she has not healed. Her hip has not healed at all. There is 0% healing because she has done nothing or very little in regards to physical and occupational therapy I live 900 miles away from her with my own medical issues, as well as my own family to take care of and it’s only me my father and my brother both have passed away , she has burn bridges and has push people away and will not allow certain people in our house who are willing to help her. I have asked her to move closer to us or in with us and she has declined and today her orthopedic doctor said that she will not heal in a timely manner without putting in the work that she’s required to, and it is possible for her to heal part not in the way that her body needs to, but it will take years in during that time she will weaken further. Currently she requires 24-hour seven day a week care she cannot afford a private nurse. I cannot move away from my family, and I am not capable of providing that care for her currently out of state. If she were to move here, I have the help of my four adult daughters and my son when he’s home from college as well as my husband, she is currently angry with me because she is arguing that her hip is healed which it is not and that she can go home by herself. She’s claiming she only needs supervision even if she needs supervision to get up and move around that is not 100% independent. It is not safe for her to go home. She doesn’t shower when she’s home she does not clean her house. Her bed is full of dead skin Scales, it’s gross. It’s disgusting she’s living with mice. I swear they are her roommates. She tried to deny having any knowledge of them, but I have the proof I don’t wanna take away anything from her, but she is not safe living alone. She is not safe living in that home anymore and she’s not taking care of herself. She’s not capable of doing simple household chores. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid she’s going to try to force her way out of the nursing home and I’m not sure what direction to go to if it comes to that point. She can’t even cook for herself. Her meals are provided to her buy meals on wheels. She doesn’t eat those meals she only eats the sandwiches so she’s not nutritionally feeding her body either my mother lost 90 pounds in a year and every doctor kind of kept pushing it off to the other doctor because they were stating that I had something to do with that illness. The only doctor she has not seen has been the pulmonologist and that’s because she canceled those appointments several times and then most recent appointment she was sick with Covid in the nursing facility, I do have a power of attorney and I am her medical proxy. She does have some issues with short term memory loss. I don’t think that her long-term memory has been affected yet, but she can’t remember a conversation. We had two weeks ago and a conversation that was had with a group of people a few weeks ago. Cognitively she is OK.
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Leave her where she is in the nursing home.
Sorry to say, she is not cognitively ok or able to care for herself.
Keep posting it will help!
You should not attempt to take care of her in your home no matter how many sisters are there to help. What almost always happens is that they promise and mean it, but when it comes down to the work required, they disappear into the sunset leaving you with a very sick person to care for and no one to help.
She's in a nursing home now. She needs to stay there where she can get the help she needs. They will have to find a place for her. You cannot help. Repeat: You cannot help. It's way beyond what a family caregiver can do.
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I'd get on a plane and see what's going on myself, as her POA. She needs help and you need to lay eyes on her and insist she get tested for dementia. Then agree to keep her in the Skilled Nursing facility because she's in no condition to live alone, regardless of what she wants. Her needs must prevail.
Elders with dementia are not "refusing" PT and OT in rehab....they are mentally incapable of completing the exercises. Perhaps even physically. In many cases, breaking a hip is the beginning of the end for an elder, especially with dementia. My father was 90 when he broke his hip and he NEVER walked again. It was not due to laziness, refusal OR dementia, but because he had a brain tumor contributing to his mobility issues. Plus he was old and tired of fighting tooth and nail to make progress he couldn't physically make.
We had hospice come in and he passed shortly afterward. My mother had dementia and was unable to do physical therapy either, so she stayed wheelchair bound for 3 years and lived in Memory Care Assisted Living.
Go see mom and chat with the docs. As POA, you can have her stay in the SNF and remain safe and fed and bathed there. She needs that. Good luck.
You don't say how old Mom is. Dementia could be the problem. If not, she is in the position she is because she did not do what she is suppose to do. So the consequences are, if she had done what she was suppose to, she would not now need an Assisted Living, if she can afford it, or NH if she can't.
You tell the facility that Mom is an unsafe discharge. That you cannot care for her in her home and not yours. Your Mom just has too much going on and needs more care than u can give. You could bring her closer to you but u should not care for her. You will end up being her slave. If like where I live Rehab is in the same building as LTC it will be an easy transfer.
If she is not listening to you now , she never will. DO NOT enlist your children to be caregivers either. They have their own lives to live .
Your mother will not do more if she was home with you , and probably would do even less. These elderly woman seem to make servants out of their daughters.
I beg to differ where you say cognitively she’s ok. Does not sound like it if she is not bathing , and has mice for pets. And can’t remember recent conversations .
My mother had vascular dementia , her memory was not that terrible but she thought she was bathing and eating and changing her clothes and she was not . She also was messing up her bills , pills etc. Her executive function was not working . But to talk to her people thought she was fine . She could still carry on a normal conversation . She was belligerent and would not do what anyone asked of her either . The doctor told me that she could no longer be taken care of by family because she will not do “ what her daughters want her to do “ . Mom had to go to a facility .
It is also very possible that your mother has dementia and can not follow directions properly to be successful in PT. She may find it overwhelming and can’t or won’t try . I’m sorry but your Mom belongs in the nursing home. You say you have POA . Speak to the nursing home about how she lives at home and she’s not safe . They can do cognitive testing at the nursing home . Tell them she can not go home , that it’s an “ unsafe discharge “.
Has she had a formal cognitive assessment? She's NOT cognitively okay.
I would leave ALL OF THIS in the hands of the facility she is currently in, and tell them that as well as being uncooperative with THEM, she is uncooperative with YOU. I would tell them you live far from her and there is no one to oversee her care.
I would not take on POA nor would I take on guardianship and I would not move her. I would allow the facility to do discharge planning. They cannot discharge her unsafely. They will get a court appointed Fiduciary to plan her care with guardianship of the state.
Throwing yourself onto the funeral pyre of your mother is one thing, but I sincerely beg you not to do that to your children.
This of course is in YOUR hands. You are the one who has to make the decisions and when you do you will have to take the responsibility for having made those decisions. I can only tell you what I would do. I never ran for Sainthood; it's a bad job description.
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