For those of us who do not have siblings, how do you cope?

Having siblings is sometimes worse! You’d think that everyone would work together for the good of the parent, but sibling issues break up families when someone gets sick. Sometimes the wounds never heal.

You are doing fine without them.

From what I am told it seems like more of a blessing if you are an only taking care of a parent. My friend has a sister and felt pushed away when it came time to make decisions about her dad.

I'm an only. I can make decisions without having to run it past anyone else or listen to how they would have done it better(but didn't). I don't have to feel angry at someone who is not pulling their weight or self righteous that they aren't doing as much as I am. Sure it was all on me but I had peace of mind knowing that from the start. I think people with siblings expect that they will all step up eventually and are devastated when others don't want to get in as deep as they are. I don't have to deal with that crushing (although self inflicted) disappointment. My mind is free to get the job done rather than dwell on what others aren't doing.

I quite understand your wish that you had a sibling to help you make decisions about your father’s care. Even though it’s difficult for you in this role, in my opinion you are better off this way. If you had siblings, the chances of in-fighting and blaming could have potentially been a problem and the family dynamics might have been a mess.

Do not feel guilty for placing your father into a NH; you have made the best decision for him. You can go and visit your father in the facility as often as you wish then you can go back to your place and enjoy your peace and quiet.

Hi Faith. I ended up as the last man standing after my brother and sister died fairly young. My folks were in their early 80s when my brother died and they stared failing soon after and needed lots of help. They were very stubborn and I could only do as much as they would allow until it became unsafe for them to be in their home.

I lived three states away from my folks but luckily had just retired and could make the long drive as needed.

it’s a long story but eventually I was able to get them into assisted living. It was a rough transition, dad had dementia and mom was falling all the time.

I went through the guilt and second guessing myself about their care. It helped to talk with some good folks on this site. Loads of people have managed difficult care situations by themselves. You can do it. There were times when I didn’t think I could keep going as so much was going on with two elderly parents at the same time.

My folks are gone now and over time I’ve quit bearing myself up about the past. We do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt.

I too was an ”only”, TWICE.

When I cared for my mother, I was POA and sole beneficiary.

I took care of her in my home when she left the hospital at age 89 with a partially successful shattered hip, realized after 9 months that no one was benefiting from that, placed her in an excellent local SNF visited almost every single day for her entire 5+ year stay, saw her flourish in their care, and paid almost a million for it, HER money and worth EVERY CENT.

Eleven years later, I entered into a similar situation, this time as independent POA with a second “trusted” POA who left as soon as the LO was placed in the AL of my mother’s previous residence and moved 1,000 miles away. We POAs were once as close as siblings.

I managed all of the care of that dearly loved family member for the 5 years she was in care, visited at least 3 times/week until the pandemic struck, wrote 5 checks per month, maintained contact with the nursing staff, therapists, and residence management, brought small gifts and cards on holidays, arranged treats for staff(s), took care of any issues that arose, arranged for her funeral, and loved her dearly every minute she was in care.

The other POA wrote one check, once a month, visited two or three times a year, and harassed ME constantly via email.

Be careful what you wish for…….

I am an only. I have always been ferociously independent, but also an over-thinker. Knowing that I over-think helps me to move forward once I’ve made a decision. It’s researched so it’s time to act without looking back.

True, there were times I wished I had siblings so everything didn’t land on me. (assuming I’d have siblings who would help)

Overall I appreciate that being an only allows me to make decisions and act on them without having to contend with a committee.

FB, I'm so glad that you're starting not to respond to his statements.

That's one smart doctor! Getting dad to agree to 2 months is a start. Let all of this be in the doctor's hand.

We got mom to agree to a 3 month trial in an IL facility "just for the winter", because it was impossible for us or caregivers to get to her in storms. By the time spring came, mom was settled.

I don’t want to minimize the pain you are going through as an only child. I can only say for myself that having a sibling makes things worse.

I am responsible for everything for my mom from physical to financial (including bodily care, care of my mothers run down, cluttered, home, paying bills, hiring a lawyer).

Not only does my sibling not contribute, but mom has given him thousands of dollars. This happened shortly before she went on hospice, before I took over her finances. Now she asks me to get cash to give him. I I told her “I” will be responsible for that cash when she has to apply for Medicaid. I have to remind her a couple times a week that I can’t do that.

My brother makes more than I ever have, but he is deeply in debt. That is his own affair, not moms. I deeply resent her giving him money after he lived in her house rent and utility free for 10 years (due to his filing for bankruptcy). He didn’t even help maintain the house while he lived there.

The good thing is that he supports all of my care decisions. A lot of folks on this board are not only providing all the care, but enduring sibling’s unhelpful suggestions or outright criticism.

Sorry for the rant. I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing.

I'm an only child and always felt lonely as a result. I hated having no siblings to lean on to help me thru the long caregiving years with the folks, and the lonely growing up years with nobody to talk to about how crazy mom was and the insane things she did that I was forced to keep secret. Yes, we read all about the horrible warfare between siblings here on the forum, but you're asking how to cope WITHOUT siblings. Not everyone has ogres for siblings. My DH grew up with brothers and sisters who are all close friends to this day.

I coped by learning to trust myself and my instincts with regard to my parents bc I had their best interests at heart AND my own best interests at heart. I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or my marriage for my parents, but I wanted to make sure they had the best and SAFEST life possible as they got very old. I learned to make decisions w/o second guessing myself (for the most part). I leaned on my husband who's super supportive also. I was always there for mom and dad, advocating for them but backing off when they irritated me. I had no pushback from siblings to contend with, so my decisions were not argued with.

When your intentions are good, you can trust your decisions, imo. Your father is in the right place now, thankfully, and the doctor will keep telling him that at each re-evaluation every 2 months. This situation has nothing to do with you, bc you didn't cause his age or his related illnesses and issues.

Not everyone that has siblings gets the help and or support that you seem to think everyone gets.
Yes in an ideal world every one would help each other but that does not always happen.
Read some of the posts and you will see that there is everything from antagonistic behavior, backstabbing, undermining, theft, disregard and on and on. And a few that get along.
You do not have to consult with other family members to get the OK to do what needs to be done for your dad.
If something needs to be done you can approve it without making 2, 3 or more phone calls, arguing with 2 of the 3 that dad needs to see a dermatologist, or he needs a new pair of shoes.
On the other hand I get that you want to bounce your thoughts off someone else just to make sure you are making the right decision.
If you have the information at hand and you make a decision based on that then that is all that can be expected. No one is perfect but if you make choices with his best interest at heart you can sleep well at night knowing you have done all you can do.