Received a call from hospice that mother in law was put in hospice and they didn’t think she had much longer to live. We were told days possibly weeks max. Hubby and I flew half way across the country to see what was going on. Completely unaware that cancer was back and nothing could be done.) Hubby has a job and could not take time off to stay with his mother, after discussing things I said I would stay. She wanted to stay in her home, and we understood and we were willing to accommodate that wish. Nine months later and I am still here. I’m upset that I am at the beck and call of his mother. I’ve only been out of the house three times on my own in the time I’ve been here. I’m also taking care of her dog that is not house broke, and will only come near me if I’m feeding it. Am I selfish for wanting to go home (my home) and telling MiL that she needs to come to my house if she wants someone to take care of her?
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Mil can be admitted to a facility near her home or near yours. Those are the only choices on offer.
Speak to hubby and decide if you both want to take her to your home to pass, or if she'd be better off in managed care at this point.
You've given more than 99% of daughter in laws would have given, so be proud of your selflessness in this situation. Your hubby owes you a debt of gratitude and a nice vacation after this is all behind you.
All the best.
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As one who didn't say "ENOUGH"
I spent 8 years caring for my mom who was only supposed to live at MOST 15 months due to brain cancer. I had an autistic 10 year old, a full time job and my mom to balance with zero help. I accepted the responsibility begrudgingly, as my mother was an abusive alcoholic so no one in my family wanted to help and she refused long term care. If your in law has their mind or the ability to to refuse LTC or make you feel guilty, then even if you have to leave, In law will eventually realize they need help and hire that care! Individuals save for years only to act as if they NEED it in the afterlife. They can't take it with them in the end. If the in law is not financially set, then allow them to spend down and go on State Medicaid.
I say please, for the love of yourself and your sanity, go home and allow the in law to eventually accept their limitations and enter a care facility. I don't know if your husband is an only child, but I had sisters, aunts and family members who made me feel selfish for the mere mention of putting mom in a facility. So, I kept caring for her, it broke me down in a way no human being should. She refused to get out of bed, take a shower, take meds appropriately, etc. and hospice was VERY little assistance, visiting 1x a week. I cleaned her rear, I cleaned her wounds and did everything just like one would care for an infant child. Sadly, she could do it for herself and refused!! (I call this the "success in failure" mentality)
I urge you to put yourself first! You have already gone over and above. How? Set a date, no negotiations, stick to your principles, as if you are quitting a job, get a plane ticket and go home. If your spouse is mad, then tough!!
This is your in law, not your parent and NOT your responsibility to bear alone! You are being taken advantage of, whether it is intentionally or not. Please save yourself while you can! It WILL get worse and you will be way more resentful that you are now. This, I promise. Good luck my friend. I have been there, it is a lonely feeling. Please do not accept the current situation as the only option. You don't have to and you deserve better!
Almost a year ago, MIL had a fall and was in the hospital for several weeks, disoriented and fragile. She recovered and went to rehab.
YS made the 'promise' that her mom would NEVER GO INTO A NURSING HOME OF ANY KIND. (Also promising that her brothers were also 100% on board with that.)(They were not consulted).
She was released to in home Hospice almost 9 months ago. Given maybe 3 weeks.
After kicking out every single CG that came to her, YS was burning up from stress. She begged the brothers to help. Thinking it would be a couple more months, at most, they agreed.
It has been 9+ months of what I would call a never ending kind of hell.
Amazing how well someone who is supposedly at death's door can do when every single need, want or desire is met immediately.
My DH and I talk about traveling, but we can't go anywhere. Because of his mother.
I fully expect her to live another year.
Leave. Just get your ducks in a row and leave.
My DH has the 'power' to have my MIL placed in a NH. He would never, under any circumstances do that. So this is our retirement.
It's a daily battle in my own heart to not grow to hate this woman who is so mean to my DH that he comes home dispirited and depressed. It wasn't enough she abused him when he was a child--she's still at it 70 years later.
Please stand up for yourself. My DH does this out of love for his SISTER, not his mother.
Good Luck.
what you describe has been my retirement too. Endless trips to NYC with longer stays even with both parents in the NH because now we are worried about their home being empty.
My stress and anxiety are through the roof. Hoping my mother can get on Medicaid and continue to be in this facility with my dad for the remainder of her days. We won’t know until January.
I wish this would be over soon but it won’t. It just keeps getting worse and worse if that’s even possible. I will probably go first .
A friend’s mother died yesterday, peacefully in her chair at home. No self sacrificing slog on the part of the daughter, no hospitalization. I’m so damn jealous.
As far as siblings, there are none, nor is there any close family members in the area. If she decides to stay then that is her decision. Is she strong enough to make the trip? I honestly don’t know. The hospice nurses are dumbfounded that she is still alive. To be honest so am I. One hospice nurse called me so we could talk and informed me it would be soon since she was declining fast, that was over a month ago. That was the reason weeks turned into months, she is defying all the norms even while showing the signs that the end is near. Today, she wants to go to the funeral home to make sure all arrangements are made and finalized. Does she finally realize that the end is near? Does she feel that time is catching up and she’s going to die soon? I don’t know, only time will tell. I do know that I’m going home, and she needs to come to terms with her situation and make some hard choices.
Don't fall for the she could be dying anytime bull crap and continue to hold on just one more week, indefinitely. As you know the months can and will just roll by and you will wake up on day and another year will have passed.
Great MIL wants to start making her funeral arrangements. That does not mean she is dying. More than likely she senses a reckoning coming with you staying there any longer and is trying to appease and guilt you and her son to continue with this craziness.
It's time to take your life back and tell hubby and your MIL that you're going back home by the end of the month, and that your MIL can be placed in either a hospice facility or skilled nursing facility in her home town or in your home town, but under NO circumstances let her move in with you.
You've already paid your dues, and if hubby wants her in your home you tell him that since it's his mother that he can take FMLA and he can do all the hands on caregiving, since you've done it for the past 9 months.
So put your big girl panties on and tell both hubby and MIL that you've had enough!
And just how in the hell does someone with 2 weeks to live survive another 9 months? I thought Hospice was supposed to be just pain mediation?
I can’t imagine the OP not being angry with her husband for expecting her to do this.
Why not do that now, get her placed in respite and go home. Then call Hospice and tell them you have chosen not to return so MIL will need to stay in the home under Hospice care. Its not abandonment because she is safe and cared for.