Father-in-law moved in, with dementia, lazy / dirty / smells.

Here's what you do. Tell him plainly that either he showers at least three times a week and keeps his areas of the home clean or you will legally evict him.

The senior community he lived in evicted him so the next stop after your place is the nursing home.

If he doesn't clean up his act literally, evict him. Then whoever is his POA can have him placed.

Please don’t let this situation go on as is, sadly this site is filled with people who started with good intentions to be of help with a family member in a jam, and quickly found themselves in an overwhelming mess. The critical difference is making a change quickly before anyone believes this is a plan for his next years. It will ruin your home life and relationships. He needs a full medical evaluation, no refusing allowed, this will guide the next steps. I hope you and your wife are on the same page and wish you the best in changing the course

Hi! There’s no information on your profile, and a bit more might flesh this out. How old is FIL? What sort of ‘retirement community’ was he evicted from? This expression usually suggests Independent/ Senior Living, which usually take people aged 55+. However ‘inappropriate behaviors’ inside the unit are less likely to upset people there, so what were the ‘inappropriate behaviors’? His behavior in your house is something that might be coped with in many Assisted Living facilities, so it still matters to explain what was ‘inappropriate’. You need to be very clear about what has happened in the past, and is potentially coming next.

What do you mean by ‘lashing out’? Using a whiplash is clearly not something to be recommended, but objecting to what is going on is perfectly reasonable and sensible. If you don’t make it clear that his behavior is not acceptable, why would he change?

What does your wife think about all this? Did she pressure you to take her father into your home? Will she object to you getting him to leave? What is the situation with Powers of Attorney? Is FIL capable of working out where to go? You need to be on the same page as your wife about all this, even if she is very sad about the problems and the solutions.

The more information you can give, the more help you can get from the site. Yours, Margaret

Welcome, Geoiceman!

Are you and your wife of one mind that her dad needs more care than can be given in your home?

Consider getting in touch with your local Area Agency on Aging and asking for a "needs assessment" and case management services.

It sounds like FIL may have some sort of cognitive issues and/or mental illness. Is this new? Has he been seen by a doctor since leaving AL?

Be aware of the fact that urinary tract infections (UTIs) can cause what look like bizarre symptoms in the elderly.

If this is a recent change in mental status, I think you're justified in calling 911 and getting him to the ER. Septic shock can set in with UTIs very quickly.

Once at the ER, you find the social worker and tell her/him that dad can no longer be cared for at home.

Does a non pleasant order emulate from his privates front and back?

Some people who don't care about their personal hygiene, could have a mental issue.

I am very sorry that you allow your FIL to move in, geo.
Nothing you say here indicates dementia to me.
For what reason was your FIL in care, when did he enter care, and what is his age, diagnosis and prognosis? Can you tell us. Any added info would help here.

I don't know how your Dad was paying for his in-facility care?
Is your Dad using his own assets or is he on Medicaid?

Moving an elder into your own home without careful discussion, contract for shared living costs and care contract, agreements as to how often and when the living arrangements will be reassessed is a very poor decision. And once done, you have made your own home the abode of your parent.

It is time first for you and wife to sit down and decide how to move forward. To look at Dad's assets, and to decide if he is safe to live on his own, does he need a formal diagnosis and placement, or WHAT.
Then sit with Dad and let him know how it has to be.
If your father cannot agree with your rules for the household and with drawing up a care contract give him a time in which you expect him to exit your premises.
Help him if you are able to get his own small studio nearby you.

If you are not already POA for this gentleman my own personal advice would likely go against the advice you will more commonly get here. I would tell you NOT be become his POA but to allow state guardianship should he be adjudged incompetent or unsafe in his own care. Operating for someone not cooperative is truly impossible, and very very difficult in the best of circumstances.

I wish you good luck.

Why did you move the man in with you if he was evicted for "inappropriate behaviors"? Your FIL needs to be seen by his doctor and tested for cognitive impairment. If he's diagnosed with dementia, he can be placed in Memory Care Assisted Living if he has the funds to self pay. Not showering is classic dementia behavior.

Here is a link to the 10 warning signs of dementia:

https://alzheimer.ca/en/about-dementia/do-i-have-dementia/10-warning-signs-dementia

And another link with more comprehensive info:

https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn all about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck.