My mother passed away, I posted this before
My father made her last days a nightmare because he wouldn't take care of his catheter and got mad when someone asked him to (me, my mother) and it was disgusting. Some of us almost puked. We told him and he didn't care
He acted entitled to be there and I guess he was, but he was belligerent and nasty.
My Mother is gone now and he is still the same. When my mom was alive He would call doctors and ask questions over and over until they finally called me for clarity
Now that she is gone he doesn't want any help with the money or care or anything. He resents me for asking and says "I'm not stupid."
I am sick of this I try to help and just get kicked in the face, I KNOW pretty much what to do to straighten things out.
I just realized I have posted this issue many times before, I have to get it through my head that he doesn't want my help neither of them ever did.
He does want my sympathy, nope not getting it
The worst is when he talks like he has marbles in his mouth it makes me nauseous.
Is completely cutting him off mean? I really want to. If he wants to live in squalor and self-pity and no one caring about him so be it.
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I continued to visit and help. Met with resistance from my aunt. I had the house professionally cleaned. She dumped on the bedroom floor the next day. The more I pleaded to help, the angrier she got. She got rid of the home care I got for her and only has one come in two days a week for one hour. She was angry about the home care I got for her, insisting she didn't need that much help. She needs more help than that.
I gave up POA, and have not visited since. My sanity was decreasing. I couldn't take her tantrums and her head strong attitude.
Walk away and save yourself. There's nothing else that you can do.
Do not feel guilty about doing this, since you've done nothing morally or ethically wrong. If you continue to stand within kicking distance of this man, that's on you, not him.
Respectfully, maybe consider some therapy so that you can finally and cleanly disconnect from this co-dependent dysfunctional relationship or at least identify and maintain healthy boundaries with your family. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life.
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My condolences on the loss of your mother, and on how this whole situation has played out. It's obviously hurting you and for that, I'm sorry.
There are child psychologists who say that parents who are having difficulties with their children should attend therapy for themselves first, before trying to alter their child’s behavior.
Let the sibling worry about Dad.
I think you need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.
Step back from Dad , I think you need a break at least , or cut him off completely .
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so just stop already!!!
You are not your fathers POA(thank God)and he is NOT your responsibility, so let him live as he chooses and you get on with living your life away from him and the insanity.
Mary, this has been ongoing for some time and I am glad that you realize you have written to us about it often.
You have told us that you are not POA but that another family member is, if I remember correctly. And you have been told to stop interfering by your family. We have suggested that you do as they have told you, and back away. Send a nice note occasionally and get on with your own life.
Geaton's suggestion of therapy for yourself to help you stop reacting in habitual ways that harm yourself is a good one. I hope you will consider it and wish you the very best of luck.
And please do not bail dad out from his stupidity and mistakes. Let him live with the consequences.
From what you are describing it looks like it would be in your best interest to live your own life and allow him to live his exactly as he pleases.
Wishing you all the best.
I'm not quite sure what you want to do or change regarding your Father.
You say he doesn’t want your help.
So I guess you don't help him.. ?
He is not asking for help. Is he hinting? Or expecting?
Or do the thoughts to help him, fix it, originate from you? Because you see he does indeed need help?
If he weren't your father, you'd have stopped having anything to do with him long ago. Get away from him. Get away from the place in your mind where you think you have to help this angry, entitled, rude, unkind, dirty and resentful human (?) being.
If you'd like to help someone, choose someone worthy. He isn't it. You know what's really worthwhile? Help serve Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. I've done it, and the smiles on the faces of the children and little old ladies warmed my heart. These are truly the ones who need help in our society, not people like the guy you call your father.
Find a new name for him. "Sperm Donator Jerk" is closer to the truth and might help you get over the mental hurdles you face in uncoupling from the drama. "SDJ" for short. Think of him that way every time you consider lending him a helping hand.
Happy Thanksgiving to you! And all the rest of the holidays too.
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