Lifelong tight bond with my mom.
Ever since my mom made me her POA my brothers have been beside themselves. As her POA I literally made it my full time job. Finding her the best AL that I personally decorated(she since was talked into moving back home). I found her the best rehab when she fell, that I also decorated, medication management and organization, best doctors, lift chairs, lift beds, urine collection system to prevent UTI, warm water bidet attachment, bought her hip pads, moved her moneys from savings accts into high paying CDs, sold her vehicle myself to get the highest price, which was a royal pita, found her private caregivers she now adores, changed her simple Will into a trust, got the 6k back she paid for dads funeral thru FEMA after a random google search, (FEMA reimburses for Covid deaths), which took me about 20 phone calls and 6 hrs on hold. Visited her twice a week, even though I live an hr away. Bought her clothes, shoes, healthy food delivery services. And more.. like I said it was my job.
Sorry. I needed to let that out! My mom has since revoked my POA with no explanation. My brothers finally talked her into it and all she said to me was, “it was better when I was in charge of my moneys”. She literally gave my one brother her POA. I was absolutely devastated she would turn against me after everything I did for her. She would brag about me to everyone. “My wonderful daughter, my daughter from heaven, I’m so lucky to have her, she’s my angel” and on and on. In the last few months she has treated me indifferently and when I’ve tried talking to her on the phone and crying she literally tells me, she needs to go and she’ll call me later, but she never does. She NEVER calls me and rarely texts me anymore. I know she’s angry I’m not visiting her twice a week but twice a month now. When I visit her now she reacts with a subtle smile, not a happy face like before. When I leave the room she starts whispering about me to her caregiver like a schoolgirl.
I’m assuming my mom still expected my undying love and attention after she did this to me. She literally uttered the words, “what did you ever do for me?” just a few weeks ago. That was so painful to hear from her lips. Especially because she is of sound mind. I’m getting more and more uncomfortable being around her.. The tension and disrespect are getting worse. I’ve caught her rolling her eyes to her caregiver when I’ve walked into the room.
It’s so devastating to lose your mother this way. I just want to shake her and make her realize what she’s done. She now acts lovey dovey with my brothers she once eye rolled behind their backs. Her mental state hasn’t changed. She’s still very sharp so I believe she knows exactly what she’s doing. I guess she feels there should be no consequences for her behavior from the people she gave life to.
WWYD?
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We don't know her, so we couldn't hazard a guess, but I just wonder if perhaps your mother is no longer entirely in charge of her own faculties?
Is that the case?
You were managing all her finances, if I am correct; that usually only happens when the person can no longer safely manage them herself or has a dire diagnosis such as my brother did of Lewy's meaning that SOON enough you won't be competent.
Apparently there is some sibling rivalry going on as well?
Be all that as it may, I will in fact tell you what I would do at this point, since you asked.
I would keep up my visits, perhaps shortening them in time and making them only once weekly. I would simply answer any accusations regarding this choice with "I am so sorry you are unhappy; I am doing my best".
Were she to want to argue I would say "Mom, I didn't come here to explain myself or to argue. If we can have a pleasant time together that's wonderful. If not I am happy to go and return next week".
This would be my habit and I would not verge from it. I would not have a whole lot to do with brother's and their POA duties.
And most of all, I would get on with my life. Dear Dr. Laura has an expression that "No good deed goes unpunished." Meant to have some ironic humor, that, but all too often it is true. Simply get on with life. You did as you thought right; as you said, you did the job you were given. That is done now. You can get on with quality folks in a quality life that your poor mom will soon enough be exiting.
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But reading your story makes me realize mom IS undergoing mental changes. That fact that she no longer cares about my life, or my health shows she is not the same mother I used to know. And similar to your situation, my mom is constantly worried about my brother and wanting to give him money, even though I was was caring for her 24/7, and managing her home and finances, and she's seen my brother maybe 8-10 hours total in the last year.
Dementia isn't a simple "yes/no" question. I think our elders decline in subtle ways sometimes, and in your mom's case she is being manipulated by your brothers. Believe me, I know how much it hurts to do all the work and caring and then have mom act like I'm never there for her. It really hurts, and I hope you (and I) can begin to care as much for ourselves as we have for our mothers over the past years.
My FIL 2 years ago was the same as your Mom . He could fill his pill box , knew what every med was for , was up on current affairs and politics, but had mail open and unopened all over his IL apartment stuffed in every drawer and 6 inches deep on all counter tops , table tops , every surface was covered and he had started putting more in shopping bags on the floors . It accumulated during Covid when we didn’t travel to see him. He sounded ok on the phone. When we finally flew to Florida when his wife died it was quite obvious they were not fuctioning and FIL had been looking after his wife who had moderate dementia . FIL could still carry on an intelligent conversation and could fool people . Now his conversations have gotten much shorter and superficial as his dementia progresses .
Your brothers are likely misinformed thinking POA has to do with moms will and their inheritance. Or that her being in AL when you were POA was "wasting their inheritance ", since money is generally the root of all evil.
You say more than once that mother is still very sharp mentally, yet in the same breath, say, "She literally uttered the words, “what did you ever do for me?” just a few weeks ago." A person of sound mind KNOWS full well all you've done for her and would not utter such words. If she is THAT vulnerable to suggestion that your brothers were able to convince her you're The Bad Guy, then something IS wrong with her cognitive functioning.
Put your emotions aside for now and look at this picture logically. Mom's been set up to believe a lie making you out to be the evil daughter and sonny boys out to be golden. Mom needs an appointment with her doctor for a full medical AND cognitive workup and the "boys" need investigating as to what they're really up to here. Begin with the money trail because what else could be going on?
Good luck to you.
well, HAS them.
So true. Either these character flaws were always apparent, or Mom has gone round the bend. Hard, honestly, for us to judge.
Do not EVER provide care for these a-hole brothers. Promise this to yourself *now*.
Another thing working against you is the ongoing social assumption that men know better than women about finances, cars, etc. Just one silly example (and I do not intend to diminish the seriousness and pain of what you've experienced with my dumb example): My sister would never trust me to check the pressure on her car tires and add air as needed. I would joke that she only trusted the work if someone with a penis did it. She also won't take financial advice from me even though she is horrible with money. But she is all ears when it's a guy offering the (usually not good) advice.
I would file this POA situation under "things I cannot change" and be done with it. You did your best and that's more than most of us can say, so pat yourself on the back for that!
You could visit Mom if you want once or twice a month . If at some point you see and believe she’s not getting the care she needs you could call APS .
My mother did not want to leave her home . My sister ( who never lifted a finger to help ) who complained to me and my other siblings that Assisted living was “ just an expensive hotel room with terrible food “ , was trying to preserve inheritance . My sister agreed with my mother that she should be living ( unsafely ) in her home and my sister added some other lies to get my mother to be even more angry with me .
My sister told my mother that I was stealing all her belongings and keeping the money from the sale of the house . The reality was I sold the furniture etc and the house to pay for my mothers care .
I too was devastated after all the help I did for a decade . On top of it my mother was a narcissist , difficult to deal with especially with dementia in the mix .
I ended up limiting my visits with my mother . And am no contact with my sister since .
Your mother turning on you so quickly is almost certainly because she has some kind of dementia. Probably Alzheimer's and it can come on a person very quickly. Only her doctor can assess and diagnose it for sure and she should see her doctor.
What I would do and have done, is come right out and tell her all the things she did and that she should be ashamed of her ingrate, entitled, disrespectful, and downright horrendous behavior towards you.
This is not for her. It's for you. For your own good mental health. If she has dementia she'll forget about the telling off soon enough. If she doesn't, then it will give her something to think about and well she should.
My mother always pulled the 'What have you ever do for me?' BS too.
Until she got a big slice of the life she always complained she had. The one where I don't do anything for her. She didn't care for living on freezer-burned bread, stale crackers, and old peanut butter because I wasn't cooking or shopping so she was living on whatever scraps she found around the house. She didn't like not having clean clothes or her medications all laid out for her.
In fact I didn't even bother calling her. This went on for a while.
Then that big slice of life she always claimed to others she was living, was followed by an even bigger slice of humble pie.
I do not and will not tolerate entitled, ingrate behavior. Nor will there be snideness, or instigating, or belittling. If she wants something or wants to see me, she will behave respectfully towards me or it's not happening.
This is what you should try doing. With your brothers (I apologize to all the men out there) the honeymoon phase with her will soon end. She will start turning them and like so many sons, they will bail. Or if they're married, one of their wives will have the responsibility of your mother dumped on her.
That shouldn't bother you one bit though. Stepping back is a good thing to do. You can visit and call your mother. The minute the complaining or belittling starts, the visit and call ends. No exceptions.
Her BS is not your responsibility anymore. It's your brother's. I'm sure you're a kind person and will check up on her from time to time. You should do as suggested and call APS if you think she's being neglected. Your responsibility ends with that.
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