What to do when dad is a roadblock to getting mom help?

Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it so guilt is off the table.
The word you want is GRIEF at the helplessness you feel in witnessing poor choices in the aging process.
You need a good sit down talk and need honestly, looking dad right in the eyes, telling him that this cannot go on for his health and safety and Mom's as well, and that you will not continue to enable this behavior.

You will not change your father.
Eventually push will come to shove and there will be the call of some disaster or other with one of your parents down and in need to transit to hospital.
Call in social workers at once when this happens.
Meanwhile there is little you can do other than what you ARE doing, and it will become increasingly more difficult.

In your last post, you said, "My mom has dementia and lives with my dad in an indept senior home." Since they live in some sort of senior home, help is available when dad reaches the end of his rope. You cannot change the dynamic between them, so stop trying. DAD has to realize that mom has become more than he can handle before he asks for help and starts finding a way to give her the meds she needs.

Good luck to you.

I have been in a nearly identical situation for many years so I feel I must reply. It sounds like you had a better relationship with your parents growing up than I did. If you want to continue liking them, don't give into their selfish, stubborn ways. They'll only need more help, and just because they want that help from you and your sister doesn't mean that it needs to come from you. The world isn't like it was when they grew up. AL is nicer now. There are care options. You aren't going to spend every weekend changing their diapers or putting their dentures in. My parents and I have no relationship left anymore because I let them guilt me into visiting once per week. They finally caved to 12 hours a day at night - every night - because I told them they'd never see my daughter again. Guess what? After awhile, they need help the other 12 hours per day too. And they're still refusing help. Yesterday I visited and my dad couldn't stand up the whole time. My mom was manhandling him roughly to get him up. She screamed at him. At me. At my daughter. At one point, she threw a spoon because I asked her to sit down and have a piece of cake with us. As we left, my dad almost fell. And still - she thinks she doesn't need more help. She even said, "Maybe if you came around more." How was I helpful during the hour I was there? His needs, like your moms, will become too advanced. Your dad, like my mom, will burn out and become abusive. Here's where I went wrong - when my dad was in a nursing home, they released him on the condition they'd have 24 hour care. First of all, I should have fought the release and insisted he move into AL. Here was my second mistake - my parents did have 24 hour care, until my mom realized "no one checks" and when one of their caregivers quit, she refused to replace her. I called the state - I should continue to call them (you can too but read posts on that before you do). In my state, APS said, "If your dad is clean, there's nothing we can do." So now I visit once per month. I use the holidays as bargaining chips. For example, they didn't do X by Thanksgiving so I didn't go. But for Christmas, a holiday my mom cares about, I've made it clear that I will not go unless there is help 4 more days per week for a minimum of 4 hours per day. I've also insisted she get help on Christmas day. Because I know that I am not trained help. My sister is not. And my 82 year old mother is not. And if they don't start to get it, then they can live out their remaining days in the house that matters more to them than their children. Remove yourself. Let them fail. Insist they move or get 24 hour help after they do fail. And if they don't, you'll see them on the other side. I'm not a jerk - although this sounds harsh. But I have learned the hard way that if I don't take this approach with them, my marriage, work, relationship to my child, health, and sanity fall apart. Don't go down that path.

Unfortunately, your father will not grow a backbone now, it is way too late.

I think that you are doing all that you can right now.

Sure hope that someone aside from him has the DPOA so some sound decisions can be made when the time comes, which will be in the near future. There is no getting away from it.

Keep posting it will help.

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. You can’t force your dad to do anything. It’s awful but your hands are tied.

Sadly, it’s a waiting game for now.

Sooner or later an emergency will occur and your mom or dad will be taken to the hospital. Then hopefully you can intervene.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I know how difficult this is , my parents were the same . Don’t bang your head against the wall . Unfortunately you may have to wait until one of them ends up in the hospital and go from there with the help of a social worker.

A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping , you have to let them fail , to make them accept help “.

The simple thing is to send a note to the doctor saying what you are concerned about and why. A ‘good’ doctor will take it from there to check things out. Many many parents will take advice from their doctor, rather than from their own family. If the doctor doesn’t follow through, consider recommending a different doctor.

Perhaps you lay it on the line to your Dad that things will be getting worse (it’s inevitable), and you have more than reached your limits of caring. He needs to talk to you and Dad about what happens next. It ISN’T that you will do more. So what is it? If it isn’t you doing more – so what happens? And how can Dad and you make it happen? Tell him that for many ‘strongwilled people’ they have to experience ‘help’ being cut off – and is that what he wants?

Dad needs to look ahead, as do you and your mother. The alternatives really do need to be spelled out in considerable detail, before they are believable.

Is Dad stuck due to his own thinking?

Thoughts based on values eg
*he alone must provide all the care* or
*only family can help*.

Be direct. Ask him. Discuss his views.

Sometimes strong marital or family values can become inflexible barriers to adding more care. That's what it is btw, not REPLACING him or family care but ADDING MORE care. Adding additional services, aides, staff.

I was in this exact situation, but it was a step mom not getting care. I tried to get her daughter to see the danger, but the two of them (elders) were great at show timing. My sister found an elder care specialist who came and evaluated them - we told Dad it was to figure out what we could do to make things easier for him.
I don't know if your Dad would allow this, but my Dad was so worn out he went along with it. He's also very BIG on listening to 'authority figures' and not his daughters.
It resulted in full time care, which drove him mad - so he agreed to move with her into AL. Tough time for sure. Hang in there.

LIke any "roadblock" you need a DETOUR around dad.