Quite often "I want to go home" does not mean an actual place. It can mean that they want to be reassured that they are safe. (Home = Safety) Tell her.."Mom you are home, you are safe here." If she persists Tell her "Mom, you can leave when the doctor says it is safe for you to leave but for now you have to stay here." After each of these distract. "Mom, do you want to go get some juice?" "Mom, let's go for a little walk." "Mom, let's play a game of cards."
I wonder whether it would make matters better or worse to ask M what she particularly likes about ‘home’. For one thing, it would clarify whether she is remembering the latest place, as some posters have found that ‘home’ was a much earlier residence.
You could talk through all the rooms in ‘home’ and what she particularly liked about them – where she liked to sit, what she liked to look at, her favorite pieces of furniture etc. The same about the garden, and the same about earlier ‘homes’. She might really enjoy the conversation – ‘going home in her head’. I enjoy talking about places where I have lived, even now! Photos might help, so you could follow on next time with pictures of the things she mentioned liking. You could do an imaginary visit - 'What would you do when we first arrive? Where would you sit while I made a cuppa?'. It might even help her to realise aftewards that it wouldn't in reality be what she would like to imagine.
It might be better than just saying a hundred shades of ‘no’. Best wishes to you both, Margaret
Home is no longer safe, so the doctor wants her living where she's at. That's what I'd tell my mother, which was true, really. If and when the doctor says she is well enough to go home, then you can discuss it. Distract her in the meantime and hug her as well.
Home also represents a place in time when an elder with dementia was younger and felt safe, as when they were living with their parents for example. An elder can BE home and still ask to GO home. As the dementia advances, they can also start asking to see deceased loved ones, as my mother would insist upon doing.
Remember the goal is to keep mom calm and relaxed.....not to impose OUR code of morals about "right and wrong" on her broken brain. Sometimes it requires us to lie or make up stories to keep them content, whatever it takes. Some call it telling "therapeutic fibs" to help themselves feel better. I'd tell mom whatever she needed to hear at any given moment. Dementia makes no sense. Don't agitate her in order not to "break a commandment".....all bets are off with dementia!
Here is a link to this very topic from the Alzheimer's association:
JCM, this is such a common question to the Forum. There is nothing to say about the heartbreak that we sustained by our elders and by our standing witness to the torment of those we love. Only you best know what will comfort your dear mom, what she can retain, what best to do. You may have to try more than a few tactics of trying to divert her attention, etc. For my brother, honest was all that worked. The sitting knee to knee, holding one another's hands, and looking deep into one another's eyes. He had to be allowed to say "I would rather be dead" and I had to say "I understand that, but I can't kill you; we don't have a choice. I will always be here for you; I will protect you as well as I can". He was good at discussing his Lewy's, and the changes he felt in his world, and the changes he feared with loss of control.
There is no way around this grief, no way to avoid it. Grieve. Shed tears with Mom if you can. Is this not worth grieving. And if an honest answer of "I wish it were not so, Mom but neither of us has any choice; this is where you will live now" or whether you can divert her attention by "For NOW the doctor thinks it is best you are here and get stronger and less forgetful".
I am so sorry. There's no good answer to this one. Not everything in life can be fixed. My heart goes out to you.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
It can mean that they want to be reassured that they are safe. (Home = Safety)
Tell her.."Mom you are home, you are safe here."
If she persists
Tell her "Mom, you can leave when the doctor says it is safe for you to leave but for now you have to stay here."
After each of these distract.
"Mom, do you want to go get some juice?"
"Mom, let's go for a little walk."
"Mom, let's play a game of cards."
The doctor never will.
ADVERTISEMENT
You could talk through all the rooms in ‘home’ and what she particularly liked about them – where she liked to sit, what she liked to look at, her favorite pieces of furniture etc. The same about the garden, and the same about earlier ‘homes’. She might really enjoy the conversation – ‘going home in her head’. I enjoy talking about places where I have lived, even now! Photos might help, so you could follow on next time with pictures of the things she mentioned liking. You could do an imaginary visit - 'What would you do when we first arrive? Where would you sit while I made a cuppa?'. It might even help her to realise aftewards that it wouldn't in reality be what she would like to imagine.
It might be better than just saying a hundred shades of ‘no’. Best wishes to you both, Margaret
Home also represents a place in time when an elder with dementia was younger and felt safe, as when they were living with their parents for example. An elder can BE home and still ask to GO home. As the dementia advances, they can also start asking to see deceased loved ones, as my mother would insist upon doing.
Remember the goal is to keep mom calm and relaxed.....not to impose OUR code of morals about "right and wrong" on her broken brain. Sometimes it requires us to lie or make up stories to keep them content, whatever it takes. Some call it telling "therapeutic fibs" to help themselves feel better. I'd tell mom whatever she needed to hear at any given moment. Dementia makes no sense. Don't agitate her in order not to "break a commandment".....all bets are off with dementia!
Here is a link to this very topic from the Alzheimer's association:
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/i-want-go-home-what-to-say-to-someone-in-dementia-care#:~:text=Often%20when%20a%20person%20with,that%20may%20not%20physically%20exist.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
There is nothing to say about the heartbreak that we sustained by our elders and by our standing witness to the torment of those we love.
Only you best know what will comfort your dear mom, what she can retain, what best to do. You may have to try more than a few tactics of trying to divert her attention, etc.
For my brother, honest was all that worked. The sitting knee to knee, holding one another's hands, and looking deep into one another's eyes. He had to be allowed to say "I would rather be dead" and I had to say "I understand that, but I can't kill you; we don't have a choice. I will always be here for you; I will protect you as well as I can". He was good at discussing his Lewy's, and the changes he felt in his world, and the changes he feared with loss of control.
There is no way around this grief, no way to avoid it. Grieve. Shed tears with Mom if you can. Is this not worth grieving. And if an honest answer of "I wish it were not so, Mom but neither of us has any choice; this is where you will live now" or whether you can divert her attention by "For NOW the doctor thinks it is best you are here and get stronger and less forgetful".
I am so sorry. There's no good answer to this one. Not everything in life can be fixed.
My heart goes out to you.