LilyLavalle Asked November 2023

I feel guilty that I basically called my mother a b**ch in front of my in-laws yesterday.

If anyone read the debacle my mom created for my Thanksgiving yesterday you know how angry and resentful I was.

I was able to get my kids to watch mom for about an hour and went to my SILs. When asked how things were going I immediately started venting and pretty much called her the b word.

I was feeling awful about it, because despite everything, my mother values her dignity and does not deserve to be bad mouthed to others (even though that wasn’t my intention).

Then I spent the 2nd night at her house and she immediately started complaining about everything again! All I could think of was the post in the “is it wrong to wish someone would die?” discussion where someone shared that the vet said to put the dog down before you come to hate him.

Despite being a dysfunctional family I always loved my mother, she did the best she could with us kids, and was good to her grandchildren. Yes, she was needy and had unrealistic expectations, but I believe she had a good heart. I feel like this whole aging care thing is going to end with me growing to hate her.

Many have said here that our guilt is really grief in disguise, because we feel helpless that we can’t stop out LO’s illness, sadness & ultimate death. But I think I’m feeling actual guilt because I literally can’t stand to be around her at this point.

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I'm relatively new here, but the one thing I keep seeing is how people misdirect their anger. I fell victim of this too in spite of the death doula work I used to do when I came into circumstances in caring for my aging parent.

If you notice your body when the misdirected anger surfaces, you'll notice that it feels very physical in terms of racing pulse, and how the energy wells up inside of the stomach, moving up your chest, until it has nowhere else to go but "out". That's when I continued my therapy from years ago, and I began to understand how "trauma drama" works. My point is, you need to get some support - it's a theme in most of my postings.
And it's true that guilt and grief issue directives to one another, something you must learn to listen for.
If you cannot stand to be around her, you need to find a way to take a breather. This may be a little tedious, but from my own experience, the core of my whole existence right now is based on the "breathers" I take. And I take alot.

When she complains, that's code for "I'm not in control and that's not how I would do it." Offer choices if you have the patience to do so. Choices go a long way at my house which can help keep the anxiety and the guilt down.
The guilt the you're suffering is likely due to the fact that you're operating at the bare emotional minimum.
You definitely need to sideline yourself for a bit if you can.

Helpful Answer (8)

You’re smart to take breaks when you need it!

(2)

Answers here are all good. It strikes me that none of us have been trained to spend long hours with the mentally ill and those with dementia are just that-mentally ill. And if we were dealing with the mentally ill in a job, we wouldn’t be emotionally involved with them and could go home and get away. So many people here are on their last nerve so every now and then they explode. Support here is the best we can do.

Helpful Answer (8)

I think that the only person that NEVER called their mother a b**ch was nailed to a cross....
Years ago the facilitator at the support group that I no co-chair gave us all an article. (I am going to get the numbers wrong but the gist is still true)
This paper said that 70% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. I said "well ya know what that means...30% of the caregivers lied."
You can not be a caregiver and never get angry at the person you're caring for.
We are human, we get angry.
What we do with that anger is what makes us human.
You walk away
You vent...and that is what you did, in what you thought was a safe place.

You may be Burnt Out.
You may need a break
You might look into a Respite Stay for mom.
You might look into hiring a caregiver. Think of the caregiver as someone that will help YOU not mom if she is resistant.
If mom is able to attend an Adult Day Program that would give both of you a break form each other.

Helpful Answer (8)

Don’t beat yourself up over it and stop replaying what happened in your head. It happened. No one thinks bad about you, everyone knows you are dealing with a lot right now. Let it go.

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL GUILT. it is unproductive.

Helpful Answer (6)

I always feel guilty when I talk sh!t about my mother to my husband because she would not like that one bit. But humans are social animals, always narrating our experiences to one another (especially over the holidays). The person who never does this creeps out their fellows.

Also, I'd rather be described as a b**ch than as "cute" (something my cousin often calls my mother--so patronizing).

Having now read about 30 memoirs by daughters describing their experiences of caring for their mothers, I can assure you that, in comparison, you and I are models of discretion.

And in universe time we'll all be dead soon anyway and none of this will matter. Even those hard-bound memoirs will eventually fade away.

Deep breath and refocus on the present.

Helpful Answer (6)

That’s so funny I used to work at a company that had an employee (woman) who would use the word “cute” to mean “yeah, nah”. She’d say “oh, you’re so cute!” meaning “nah, I’m gonna disregard everything you just said.”
Til her friend clued me, I was puzzled why she found so many people attractive. Lol!

(1)

@wiki100, You hit the nail on the head. It’s all about shame. Throughout this journey, and being on this forum I keep asking my self why I and others constantly capitulate to our elders’ demands, unreasonable expectations and even abuse, while while feeling that we owe it to them to keep them safe, comfortable, and even “happy”.

”You should be ashamed of yourself” was said often when I was a child. I think my whole life was shaped by this statement. I should be ashamed that I have paid caregivers taking care of mom (because she is my mother!). I should be ashamed that mom was sad or lonely because I wasn’t there every minute, and I should be ashamed that I didn’t want to spend 48 hours of Thanksgiving not only caring for her, but preparing the house and food so others should feel obligated come and be with her.

Shame, shame, shame!

I’ve been through so much therapy over the years, and learned so many valuable tools. But the shame is like a permanent scar that never goes away.

Helpful Answer (6)

Lily, I always identify with your posts. I am my own worst enemy with my expectations and perfectionism. I've also had a lot of therapy, Alanon... But now I'm encountering the real life day-to-day practice of putting boundaries and detachment into practice, and I feel like in the past 13 months of hospice, I have actually been going through my life from age 3 up to 13 up to 23...to now, and redoing and re-experiencing all the emotions of abandonment and anger and grief I went through trying to make my mother happy my entire childhood when it was clear she was very very unhappy. Much of our relationship, especially from the preteen / teenage years, is playing out-- and without realizing it at first, I've been given this chance to approach this the way I wish I could have done back then, with this knowledge I have as an adult.
This means, for example, I have a hard and firm discussion with her about complaining, and how it hurts me when she complains about her beautiful facility, because of all the money I'm putting into her care.
At the same time I told her I admired her courage going through all the medical stuff she's going through and not having any control and power... and I respected her for everything she did for us as children keeping our family together with a very absent and abusive husband.
I Let her know that I respected her well at the same time I was overwhelmed with her care and I needed to take a step back and to please not take it personally.
Of course she would go back to complaining lol ....but she did get a bit better and the point was this was for me and not for her. This was what I wish I could have said to her when I was 13.
I felt free after that ... And she actually responded relatively well, and we had a mature discussion between 2 adults...and immediately a few hours later I felt shame for "hurting her feelings". When in fact I was pretty much trying to save my life and hers because I was close to walking out forever.
The growth though, was that I felt the uncomfortable feelings; talked about them with a trusted friend who'd been cheering me on; and didn't try to retract it and beg her forgiveness.
As time has gone on, detaching with love... Hearing her complain but not feeling like I immediately need to fix it... Has become a bit more comfortable. It also means I approach things with less resentment. Sometimes, lol!
I have to sit through the shame moments of being human and not try to fix them, engage in self talk to calm the amygdala fear response, and move on. If I try to quick -fix the shame of being human by apologizing for a very human response, I'll go right back up repeating the behavior.
You've nothing to apologize for. You're doing great

(2)

I wish I could take this post down now because I didn’t actually “call” her that word, and nothing was said at the dinner table. I was telling a story and trying to make it humorous, and accidentally dropped that word in, immediately regretting it. But clearly the slip was a result of the utter frustration I was feeling.

Helpful Answer (5)

Why regret it? Your mother is a controlling bi*ch. I can bet your mother has never felt bad about any of the crap she has put you through. Case in point your having to babysit her because she gave the care giver the day off today - when she knew you wanted to relax and had plans. If that's not being a selfish bi*ch i dont know what is.

Just because she's dying (or not actually dying since it's been months now) doesn't mean you aren't allowed to call it like it is. Technically we are all dying but some know their expiration date.

Did you tell mom she is not in control of giving care givers the day off and that she is going to respite care for Christmas?

(7)

Lily,
You now tell us:
"I wish I could take this post down now because I didn’t actually “call” her that word, and nothing was said at the dinner table. I was telling a story and trying to make it humorous, and accidentally dropped that word in, immediately regretting it. But clearly the slip was a result of the utter frustration I was feeling."

I have asked myself today if I don't need another "month off" from AC, because of my general frustration with our posts, and with to our posts.
You may have decided the issue from me.

Forgive me, Lily. I just don't understand why you, a regular member of our Forum, would write us something that happened on the Holiday that actually DID NOT HAPPEN.
I don't understand. I am glad some seem to, but I just don't. Indicative, I think, of my--yes--needing a vacation from AC. It happens.

Helpful Answer (5)

She said it to her in-laws about her mother, but her mother wasn't there when she said it. So mother had no idea it was even said and never will. Mother is home dying with 24\7 care givers on hospice. Mom was supposed to have weeks left to live but that wss a few months ago.

(3)

I'm feeling the same as you and was so frustrated that I told my mom that she uses me then discards me after. That did go over well and she turned my family and her friends against me. I've cared for her, basically all the relatives for YEARS. I reminded her that I quit college and 2 jobs to help her with my dad so she could retire. I spent probably a year or two with my dad, taking him to university hospitals then he passed. I'm sad that my mom trashed me to all her friends and my family when I've sacrificed most of my life.

Helpful Answer (5)

Lily, my mother pumped me full of the "you should be ashamed of yourself" bs my whole life too. I was too fat, too busty, too this, too that, not enough of this, not enough of that.....she had me in Weight Watchers at 9 years old, for crying out loud, as the only child in a room full of women, after force feeding me for 9 years! Had me fitted for "minimizer bras" to hide my bust behind. One day, I woke up from the indoctrination she was attempting on me when I was about 11. I separated myself from HER mental illness and realized I was a child of God, perfect as I WAS. From then on, I was okay.

My mother lived to 95. Separately from me, and I did no hands on care for her at all, but managed her life (and dads) as their only child and POA. I've been able to love myself in spite of the messages of I've been swamped with for life.

Don't buy into the bs being FORCED on you. Disassociate from the insanity.

Helpful Answer (5)