My 85-year-old father is falling. What can we do?

JOJO - I'm glad you found my tips helpful. Stay strong. Unfortunately, there comes a point when we have to stop asking our stubborn elders what they want and start telling them what they need and how it's going to be going forward.

Perhaps it's time to have a blunt conversation with your dad that his wife is not going to be his caregiver and neither are you and so his choice is between allowing a male aide to help him or alienating everyone with his body odor, which will happen if he continues to refuse to shower.

I know the feeling of "It's complicated" and I sympathize. Once I realized that we were allowing my FIL to make things "complicated" because we were allowing him to tie us up in knots because he was averse to making any changes, I changed my approach and helped my husband change his too. It takes courage (FIL got angry) and practice (it's okay to sound like a broken record) but only you can change the dynamics between you and your father for any meaningful change to happen.

Hire a male aide to come 3 times per week. My FIL's aide comes 3 afternoons each week for 4 hours each time. As part of each visit, he showers my FIL along with doing things like his laundry, bed sheets, etc. He chats with my FIL while getting little things done for him.

Do not expect the male aide to shower him on day one. Let them get to know each other first. Show the male aide the bathroom and if he says buy X, Y, Z, do it so that he will be able to shower your father safely. Once the bathroom is "seniorized" the male aide will more than likely be able to coax your father to shower.

When I was seniorizing my FIL's shower stall, I found 3M Safety-Walk Tape for the tile floor. My FIL already had a shower chair. He loves the tape and feels safe.

I bought mom a pair of rubberized water shoes on Amazon when she insisted the shower was slippery. That solved the fear of falling problem.....in the shower. But nothing stops an elder from falling, it goes with the territory.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=water+shoes+men&crid=3BQITIF0D1U3F&sprefix=Water+shoex%2Caps%2C188&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_11

Best of luck.

I assume Dad can still wash himself. So its a matter of getting him in the tub or hopefully its a shower stall. He needs a shower chair and you can get one in Walmart or any drug stores. If its a tub there is a bar that clips onto the edge of a tub that Dad can hold onto until he can sit on the chair. You get a hand held shower head. Dad soaps up and rinses off. His wife can be there to assist. I may even put a commode over the toilet. The commode has its own toilet seat with a lid so you can remove the other toilet seat. You take the bar off tge back and slide it over the toilet. Instead of a bucket u use a splash gard. The commodes legs can be adjusted, just make sure the gard is below the rim of the toilet bowl. By using a commode, Dad will have the arms to help him stand. He will feel more secure.

Does anyone know the rationale for 2x/week? (This was the requirement in the SNF years ago, I recall.) My mom prefers 1x/week and has been following this routine for years without any ill effect that I can observe. She doesn't "smell" as far as I can tell. After her hospital stay she went 3 weeks; it really wasn't that bad. Maybe because the postmenopausal body is no longer emitting odors to attract mates? Maybe it's different for older males?

We did trick out her shower in all of the ways others are recommending.

Some of these articles may be helpful

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/93/bathing/articles

New Caregiver. I believe my mother has a fear of falling. I get it, but what to do? - AgingCare.com.
That is the question of Sibyl, who is right on top of your own question currently. Her mother is experiencing falls as well.

This is one of the most common and problematic questions we get. The falls, which have a frailty and age component has more a component of aging brain in which the lower brain areas responsible for balance are simply "going". An elder (I am 81 and guarantee it) feels a bit like a feather in the wind. As both an elder and a forner RN I guarantee you that diligent as you are, and no matter what you do, Dad is more than likely to fall. He can feel this as he moves about. And short of moving with an assist, it is almost impossible to prevent. Walkers help some. Balance exercises help some (and take others down!).

I would check in with doc, ask for a PT consult, and attend with your father to see what might help. But the sad fact is that this is a sad fact of aging. And you are right, eventually things will break. It spelled the beginning of the end for my mom in her 90s. Led to hospitalization, catheter, infection, sepsis, home again, another fall, pneumonia. And eventually her body could not sustain. I am so sorry. I wish you the best. Get all the expert help you can and hope for the best.

A certified Nurse assistant is suppose to do that Job - contact his doctor and they can provide you with a social worker who can link you to Elder services and get a CNA to Bathe and do light House Keeping such as laundry . It is very Difficult to lift someone up who has fallen especially Out of a bath tub . Plus you will end up in the Chiropractor's office .

Does your father have a walk in shower, or at least a shower bench in the shower along with a slip proof mat, grab bars and if needed a hand help shower head? All of those things will help him feel a bit more secure.
And even with those things his wife or paid caregiver may have to assist him in the shower.

My late husband had vascular dementia and was a fall risk. I had to literally help him into our walk in shower and also help wash him up real good, and then help him out. It's not that difficult when you have the right tools in place.

But until you get things figured out, your father and his wife can use the extra large body wipes to wash him up and the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps to wash his hair. Both can be ordered from either Amazon or Walmart.com.
Best wishes in getting things figured out for your father.

This is a pretty common problem. It could be a modesty issue, or just the irrational resistance that comes with cognitive decline. My Aunt (with dementia) had to get used to the hired hygiene aid (a neighbor who was an experienced caregiver and very patient). We eventually got her to shower 2x a week. Can't say she ever loved it but she cooperated. Make sure the person you get is experienced with this, if at all possible. A male aid maybe would be optimal. Does he have any other male relatives who might be willing to give it a try with him? For now, he can do sponge baths, and have adjusted expectations about how well or often he cleans up.

Is the shower itself seniorized? Has grip bars? Is warm? Has a shower seat and a hand-held shower head? Has a non-skid bath mat and rug? A place to sit while he towels off?