Mom is approaching end of life. I feel relieved, and guilty. We’ve had a difficult relationship.

I loved mom, but I did not like her one bit. When hospice finally accepted her at her Memory Care ALF, I can't tell you the relief I felt. She was 95 with advanced dementia and CHF, insisting I was hiding her mother (Who would've been 137 years old at the time) in the closet, along with her 7 siblings, all deceased. She was the last man standing. Hospice called me 2 months later to say mom had " a change in status" and was approaching end of life. I went right down there and found her in bed, semi comatose and unresponsive. I didn't believe it, thinking she'd shoot upright in the bed and laugh any minute, yelling at me about her MAMA. That didn't happen; her heart had finally gotten too tired to continue.

I and dh sat with her for a full week, playing her favorite music on the tv, and jumped thru the ceiling every time she let out a very loud hiccup. It was awful. We'd leave around dinnertime every day until the last day when the death rattle let us know she'd be dying very soon. We left and did not come back to see mom take her last breath because I did NOT want that to be my last memory of a very difficult 10.5 yr journey with her. I got the call at 9:30pm. I felt (and feel) no guilt because I did nothing wrong. I did everything imaginable for mom as her only child while she was in managed care for 10.5 years. I did plenty and so have you.

Sitting with someone as they take their final journey is irrelevant, imo, because I feel their soul departs their body long before the body expires. The mechanisms of the body shutting down is the ugliness WE get to witness while they are dancing free on the Other Side, watching the whole scene play out. Say your goodbyes and I love you's and thank you's before mom passes, and then give yourself permission to avoid what others tell you is "necessary" to do. You've already DONE what was necessary to do while she was alive.

No guilt is warranted . It’s normal to want your mother to be at peace as well as be relieved of the stress of caregiving . You are grieving . You don’t have to go every day or at all . Don’t feel like you have to sit with her until her last breath.
I used to work in nursing homes . I watched so many daughters struggle with this . When they asked me if it was ok to go home , I always said yes . Most of the time the patient would wait until they were alone to die anyway . It is Ok to say your last goodbyes , and then go home and wait for the call . If you feel you have already said your good byes , it’s fine to tell the hospice that you have said your goodbyes and that you won’t be returning .

You don't need to see her everyday. In fact, you don't need to see her at all (your brother doesn't). You are going to feel the way you feel regardless. Just stay home and wait for the final phone call.

And remember, it is not your fault she got old, or got Parkinson's, or got dementia.

Paige, you must be feeling tremendous sadness. And shock. And above, regret. That you didn't get the relationship you needed with mom, and that she was damaged in some way, so as not to be able to have joy in having the children she had.

You didn't cause this problem.

Be at peace. Relief after the death of a long ill and diminished parent is very normal.

My mom, who dearly loved my dad, spent the two nights of his wake telling everyone how glad she was that he was finally gone. He's been very ill for 10 years and was miserable. I took my cue from her and expressed great relief when she died.

You are a good daughter. You have shown your mother a lot of love. You cared for her and about her, despite having a difficult relationship. That says so much about the wonderful decent person you are.

Please don't feel guilt. I wish you peace as you go through this difficult time.

I feel your pain. My mom suffered with Parkinson’s disease. She developed dementia in her later years.

I couldn’t take her suffering away but I did what I could to help her get through it as best I could.

It certainly wasn’t easy to be her primary caregiver for many years and if I had to do it over again I don’t think that I would make the same choices.

It would have been best to have made her stay in our home temporary and plan to be her advocate while she was in a facility. Hindsight is 20/20.

All family relationships have their challenges. It’s really hard to live with our parents even in the best circumstances.

I had my husband and children’s support. I did my best to meet everyone’s needs as a wife, mother and daughter to my mom but it is impossible to achieve all that we desire in this situation.

When my children said to me, “Mom if you need caring for later in life, we will care for you like you did for grandma,” I told them that I do not want them to sacrifice their lives for me.

I’m really glad that you didn’t push yourself to be your mother’s primary caregiver.

Personally, I feel it’s a job that I can’t recommend to anyone. The job becomes harder and harder as the years go by.

I do not wish to shame anyone for following their desire to care for their family member at home. I respect their choice in the matter.

No matter what the relationship and circumstances are, it’s difficult to watch someone suffer and eventually die. It stirs up many emotions within us.

I wish you peace as you make this last journey with your mom. There isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. Do whatever you need to do for you.

I couldn’t bear to see my mother draw her last breath. I was with her often. I was with her a few hours before she died.

My mother knew that I loved her. I knew she loved me. Was everything perfect in our lives? Absolutely not. No one on this earth has a perfect life. If they say that they do, they are lying.

I take great comfort in knowing that the wonderful staff at my mother’s end of life hospice care home kept her comfortable. I will always be grateful to them.

I have those same feelings. We have gone through alot over the past 13 years. Siblings have been nothing but grief and no help. I am primary caregiver for momma and medical and financial poa along with trustee and executor. I was dad's executor after we lost him. So all of this responsibility has been on my shoulders and I am tired. Ready for it to be over but sad at the same time.

No “guilt”. You were there for her when there were no “happy” decisions left.

You were confronted by facts that caused you to be forced into making decisions that could not result in “happy endings”.

Don’t impose negative self descriptions on something over which you never had control, and don’t assume that she was or is now “living her worst nightmare”.

My own mother swore until she developed full blown dementia at 90 that she’d die in her own home, and lived like royalty in a very good SNF, loved by the staff and she loved them back. I went almost every day because I was luckily geographically within a couple mile of her SNF.

You have my full support. Be at peace with yourself. You have nothing to regret.

I am 74 and the couples I know have not been out their partying. They raised kids and paid off houses. I hope they put money aside for their "older years". I know we have tried. And though we have done well, we are not rolling in money.

Don't feel guilty. You did not cause her illness or old age. None of it was your fault to feel any guilt. You did what you could, and what was right for you and your family. You didn't have strong love and still stepped up. No reason to feel guilty, you did not cause it to happen.
She was damn lucky you had a conscience. I admire that.