Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
T
tkfitness66 Asked December 3, 2023

My mother is drinking herself to death and my stepfather is helping her do this. What can I do?

My mother who is 85 and as obvious signs of Alzheimer's is drinking herself to death on a daily basis. Everyday she looks worse and can't remember anything . My stepfather who has cheated on her their whole marriage is facilitating her drinking and encouraging it. He wants nothing more than for her to either die or to become a capacitated so that he can take off to another woman and another life with all of their money. Just killing me to watch this . I am a guest in their home so when I speak up she actually defends him and threats to throw me out if I don't stop. So I'm being threatened for simply trying to save her life. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

MeDolly Dec 3, 2023
Honestly, I would remove myself from this toxic environment.

She is an adult, it is her choice to drink or not to drink.

I would be more concerned about what is going to happen to you after she dies, he certainly is not going to take care of you.

Might be time to start planning for your future.
tkfitness66 Dec 3, 2023
You'reYou're absolutely right and I am absolutely in the process of doing just that. Guess I've already answered that question for myself. Was just wondering if I was missing something but clearly I'm not. Thank you for the truth.
AlvaDeer Dec 3, 2023
You need to go to Al-Anon. So many I suggest this to tell me "I already did that". IF they did, then they missed rule one which is that you cannot do anything about an alcoholic. You can decide whether to STAY with them to to LEAVE them. Looks like stepdad decided to stay. For you, I would advise you to leave.

When someone chooses alcohol over family, over life, there is little to be done about it. And given the desperation we seem to have as human beings to "escape life", it's an option. When your Mom is drunk she doesn't care that she's aging in place with a man she doesn't even much like. She has a best friend. It's alcohol. It's her choice.

You need to get on with your life. Let your Mom know you are there if she needs you, and stop talking about her drinking. Give her the number for AA meetings near her, and move. That would be my advice. I am sorry. I have watched, over my 81 years, many alcoholics make this choice. My dear brother's last partner spent his last six years with severe alcoholic encephalopathy, trying to steal listerine and other mouthwashes in his ALF. It's very sad. But some cannot escape it.

ADVERTISEMENT


BurntCaregiver Dec 6, 2023
There's nothing to do. If your mother at 85 can still get sauced every day at her age, then more power to her. Clearly there must be something between her and your cheating stepfather that you are not privy to. She wouldn't defend him like that to you and they would not have stayed together if there was no love or affection there.

As for you just trying to save her life. Come on. Your mother is an alcoholic. You're not going to get her into recovery at her age. It's amazing that she can still drink at her age. So let her enjoy her booze and whatever time she has left.

I know it's hard to have an alcoholic in your life and to watch someone drink themselves to death. My first husband was an alcoholic. He died young. At 85, I think we can say your mother beat the game.

Your step-father is her husband. It is his right to decide what he does with their assets when she dies. The same applies for if he died. If she has a Will then you and whatever siblings you have will inherit whatever is stated in it.

Seriously though, you should take MeDolly's advice and start planning for your furture. Your step-father does not have to let you stay in the home and he owes you nothing.
Take some steps on your own behalf and make plans.

Geaton777 Dec 3, 2023
Excellent advice has been given to you by others responders who have "been there and done that".

You cannot have your Mother's recovery for her.

You aren't responsible for her happiness.

You must stop wanting her to be someone she never was and will never be -- unless she voluntarily and consistently chooses sobriety.

May you gain clarity, wisdom and strength, and receive peace in your heart as you enforce a necessary boundary.
Davenport Dec 8, 2023
Great reply, Geaton. Thank you.
Fawnby Dec 3, 2023
She's chosen the way she wants to go.

I hope you can stop being their guest and go somewhere else. This is truly out of anyone else's hands.

Sorry this is happening to you.

lealonnie1 Dec 3, 2023
There is nothing you CAN do for a grown woman who's defending a cheating husband who's enabling her bad habits. She's chosen her lifestyle, at her advanced age, and she can kill her self with drink if she so desires, unfortunately. I'd move out if I were you so you don't have to witness the chaos firsthand. You cannot save a person from herself, in reality. You can Ask her if she'd like to leave WITH you when you go, but I doubt she'd take you up on the offer.

olddude Dec 8, 2023
She's 85 and has ALZ. Quite frankly, if she wants to drink herself to death, let her. At this point, she's kind of earned the privilege.
AlvaDeer Dec 8, 2023
The only thing is that this is a dreadful and slow way to go whether the liver gives out or the brain. I have seen it and it is truly an ugly death, unless she can just go down and go septic fast.
waytomisery Dec 3, 2023
Perhaps call APS and report Mom as a vulnerable elder . Altough without record of dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis and if mom seems coherent to APS and denies anything is wrong they can’t do anything . You may have to wait until it gets worse . Also if your mother knows you called it will make living with them impossible for you.
You could also call and try speaking to a social worker at your County Area of Aging to see if they can talk to Mom to maybe go to the doctor.
I’m sorry that you are witnessing this , I don’t think much will change until an emergency .
Would you consider moving out ?
Maybe other’s will post better options .
Dupedwife Dec 3, 2023
I totally agree with your advice.
funkygrandma59 Dec 3, 2023
It definitely sounds like your stepfather is enabling your poor mother who obviously is an alcoholic by buying her the alcohol she's consuming daily.
Have you confronted him privately and not in front of your mother? If so, what does he say?
And of course alcohol itself when drank in excessive amounts affects ones memory dementia or not. Add the fact that you believe your mother is showing signs of dementia and it is a recipe for disaster.
Your stepfather may very well be ready for this marriage to be over, but then he should just divorce her instead of waiting for her to drink herself to death. I mean really.
The only thing you can do at this point is start attending Al-Anon meetings which are for family members of alcoholics. I'm sure your city has many of them every week. They are very helpful.
You possibly could try calling APS and reporting a vulnerable alcoholic adult being enabled intentionally by her husband, but your mother may just stick up for him if they were to come out to investigate. But it may be worth a try.
You will also want to start planning your future and where you'll be living when your mother dies as you already know that he won't allow you to keep living in his home once she's gone.

Davenport Dec 8, 2023
I'm just so sorry for you and about your dilemma. I'm no expert, but my lay-person's response is, your mom is 85, and may well have Alzheimer's. It's more complicated if your mom has always been a drinker (to any degree, whether problematic or not). If that's the case, and her mental cognition is on the decline, stopping something that's always been pleasurable to her is most likely impossible, short of locking her down, which obviously isn't an option. In my own experience, we cannot control our parents--particularly in a situation like yours. Try to go 'gray rock' and 'walk away'--emotionally, not physically. They have lived their lives as they've chosen or how 'best' works for them, even if it's dysfunctional. We've got three adults here who have made choices throughout our lives. It's hard as an adult child to sit back and watch, I know. But of the three of you in this scenario, you are the 'most' adult of the bunch. I wish you peace of mind. Therapy helped me a LOT while I lived with and was my mom's caretaker for 5 years. Actually, it saved my life and I actually GREW during that awful time. Sending support and love, tk.

See All Answers

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter