I'm the son of a difficult 88 year old dad. He was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in 2017 (not officially dementia), but I'm pretty sure it would be labeled worse than that now. I'm one of 2 sons, but my sibling is across the country so I'm really the only involved family around for my dad
We have had a difficult relationship all my life. My dad is an unpleasant narcissist. I could'nt wait for the day I graduated high school and could get out of the house. After that, our relationship as I have been an adult improved, we would usually talk by phone weekly etc. When my dad reached age 65, he said he would move to the same town as me, but keep his distance and "not be dependent on me" but wanted to be near me in case of emergencies or for help with things. His house is 1 hour away. He is a loner. He divorced my mother 30 years ago in a nasty divorce. He has no local friends, a couple of elderly family members within 2 hours. A couple of friends across the country he can call. But essentially, other than me, has no one locally to help him. Over recent years, he has been declining, and stubbornly was living at home for too long. After the inevitable happened, a bad fall with fracture in August, then after hospitalization, surgery and rehab hospital, he has been in an assisted living place 15 mins away from me for 3 months.
I have been hoping over the past 3 months that he would get used to it and stay. However, he gets in arguments and shouting matches with the staff, has not made friends with any other residents, has created conflicts, has "fired" some staff from taking care of him, and only allows 1 caretaker to help him with bathing. I'm surprised they have'nt tried to tell me that he is not a good fit there and ask that he leave! The place is not full, so I don't think they want to lose a resident so they are fine keeping him. Since he continually says that he is not happy there, we have looked at a few other ALs, but he has not found any he seems to like, and then recently stated that he wants to live at home, either returning to his house or buying a small house near me.
If he returns to his house, I have told him that since its an hour away, I could only practically come on weekends. He would need to get at-home help (ideally 24 hours) via an agency or private. However I fear he either will not find anyone to his satisfaction, or will hire someone who he soon will clash with and fire, or they will be tired of his ways and will quit. It will be very hard retaining caretakers. If he buys a house near me, its closer to visit, but will be a lot of headaches on me and the same issues with finding and keeping a "satisfactory" caregiver will remain.
Should I give in to his wish and let him move back home or buy a home, even though it likely will be a huge increased stress and time-suck for me? Or should I stand firm and essentially require that he stays in AL? If so, should I flat out tell him that, or just stall things and say " we can consider possibly moving home later on, but it will take time to think and research", something to that effect? Me and my sibling have POA. I need to formally get him back to his PCP and neurologist to get a clear determination from them that he can't/ should'nt make his own decisions. I'm not sure if they will but I will see what they say
Thanks for any comment!
-Strugglin' Son
33 Answers
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This could go on indefinitely.
Then, there are the middle of the night needs/wants/tantrums/falls/panics.
Those also could go on indefinitely.
Save yourself.
Leave him where he is.
He has had a life.
You deserve one, too.
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This is known as anosognosia.....which is a person's inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis. Commonly found with mental illness and dementia.
Have dad tested again with a mini cog exam like a MoCA or SLUMS test and see what his score is. Then the doctor can tell him he needs to stay living in AL who hopefully has a Memory Care available too.
Do not allow an angry elder with dementia to dictate to YOU where he should live! As POA, your job is to keep him safe 24/7. If he's angry and not speaking to you as a result of keeping him in AL, all the better. The silent treatment from a narc is truly a blessing.
Was he caregiving his own Father (or Mother)?
Was he trying to work full time while doing 24/7 care for anyone?
Why does he think YOU should be his caregiver slave? If he yells at medical personnel now, he will be 10x worse to you.
You said you aren't even that close, so why are you "obligated" to sacrifice the prime of your life to an angry, PIA senior, who obviously needs 24/7 care?
Listen to the excellent advice that has been given here.
They all want to go home, wherever they think it is.
Get him tested, use that as a response, "When the doctor says in writing that you can go home, we will consider it, until then you will stay where you are at"
Dementia is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and eventually and end up in memory care, that is if he lives long enough.
What you are experiencing is quite normal with a stubborn, spoiled elder who does not consider anyone but themselves. He will continue to act the way even if you move him to a home, he will not suddenly get nice, doesn't work that way.
Don't cave to his demands, you will regret your decision. Read around here there are more than enough posts to help you understand what you will be getting yourself into.
Sending support your way.
"HONOR YOUR PARENTS"
Here is the thing - What makes them think that just because you aren't making his dreams come true to stay at home for the rest of his life - that you aren't HONORING him? I mean there are two ways of looking at honoring. It is either about respect/esteem or about fulfilling the obligation of a contract.
Respect just means that you have regard for someone's wishes and you have great admiration for them. Contrary to popular belief it does NOT mean that you have to do everything they want or tell you to do. You aren't dishonoring them by not granting their wishes. And you ARE actually honoring them by ensuring that they are in a safe environment where they can receive the care they need.
As for the other - fulfilling an obligation - you are only legally bound to fulfill contracts and even those have loopholes. And I know that we often feel dutybound to keep our word. But often we make promises that we shouldn't and they are impossible to keep. Things like death bed promises to one parent to keep the other parent in their home for the rest of their lives for example. You feel cornered and make a promise. But that's a promise people often feel obligated to keep - that they just can't honor.
The BEST way that you can honor your father is to figure out what is best for him and make sure he gets that - probably in spite of himself. THEY don't always see it that way. Other family members don't see it that way. People want to use "Honor your parents" as a way to guilt adult children into doing what THEY want.
I really don't think that is what that was intended to do - I think it has been twisted to be what people want it to mean instead of what it was intended (not to mention people almost ALWAYS forget the rest of it - which says not to provoke your children to wrath LOL!!)
"Should I give in to his wish.."
Sure! Of course.
Mmm, yes Dad. Sure, uh huh. You do that Dad. Let me know when you have moved.
Dad can wish, plan, scheme, plot. It's his life afterall.
The only assistance you need to give is a little "mmmm" or "uh huh" here & there.
Listen for a set time.
Change the subject.
Stay out the visit - or leave.
Repeat.
PS if Dad could live independantly, HE could arrange it
He wouldn't be able to manage his own home caregivers, so it would all be on you. Every problem at his home would be your responsibility. The water heater quits, the caregivers don't show up, he hasn't bathed in days and he's hungry. What do you do? (Hint: it won't be what you want to do that day, ever.)
Home care is a pie-in-the-sky lovey dovey idea where everyone is going to be happy so Pops can be where he wants to be. Except that it isn't. And Pops isn't going to be happy anywhere. As far as his buying a home close to you, NO. NO NO and NO. It would run you ragged. Who would be responsible for all the work it takes in buying and moving him to his new home? Maintaining it? Not him. YOU.
At this point, in assisted living, he's as good as he's going to be. Don't let him push you around, and good luck.
Don’t offer your services on the weekends if he does move out. You will regret it.
He is 88. He’s going to require more care as time goes on.
Have you considered having his cognitive abilities checked for his current condition? That’s where I would start. Then you will have more accurate information for each of you to process.
Even if he refuses to believe that his mental capacity is impaired, you will know the truth.
You are not responsible for his care. It will cost him more money in the long run if he hires private caregivers. You deserve to have a life of your own.
I understand that you want him to be well cared for. Continue to be his advocate instead of being more involved with the hands on caregiving.
What do you feel about the care that he is receiving? Does it seem appropriate to you? What doesn’t he find satisfactory with his care?
Facilities see people like your dad on a regular basis. Ask them if there is anything that you or they can do to help him adjust.
Wishing you and your father all the best.
Even if you wanted to care for your father and you had a great relationship, his health and cognitive abilities will sink. He will require more and more care, time, and effort. But you don't have a great relationship.
Can he even afford 24/7 care if he went home? It's THOUSANDS of dollars a month. Even if he could afford it, you've stated he is hard on caregivers and they will quit. It will get difficult fast to replace them. And you don't want to be the one to take their place.
Frankly, he (and YOU) are likely better off to sell his house and use that money to pay for his care. And believe it or not, strugglinson, you matter too. You deserve your own life.
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