Dealing with fighting adult siblings over care of mother. Any advice, any experience?

The brother with whom my mom lived for many years was the one who would get 'violent' and he was verbal in his anger. Didn't make it OK, but he never punched anyone.

When he got that way (And none of us ever knew what would trigger him) then the other POA (the FPOA) would usually step in and smooth things over.

If that failed, and it often did, we simply kept our visits with mom to a phone call. I went as long as a year w/o seeing her more than once, and she lived 2 miles away.

Just b/c you're an adult does not mean you are grown up.

OP, I'm really sorry about this ongoing trouble in your family. Did you ever try the mediation you were considering and posted about before?

Geez elderly adults fighting over their mother how sad. What does mom say about this?

If anyone hits anyone, call the police and press charges. That is assault and shouldn’t be tolerated AT ALL.

I’m pretty sure if you do that, there’ll be no more physical abuse. Possibly no more arguing.

My inclination would be to walk away and not be involved. Let the rest of them duke it out.

Your poor mother.

If the communication is this bad between all of you, then staying out of each other’s way might be the best option. Make a schedule and rotate your visits.

I feel sorry for your mom having to witness this situation. It would make me feel awful to see my children assaulting one another.

Tips? Besides grow up and stop acting like toddlers? Don't visit when the violent sibling is at home? Make an agreement for that person to be gone while others are visiting. Or they can be charged with assault since they are an adult.

I think that from what you have written us in many posts, this is not a new problem. Family trauma-drama is usually ongoing, and there's almost never much to be done about it other than stepping away from it. Your ground rules are excellent, but people who "do this stuff" often are also rule-breakers. This must be terribly sad for an elder to witness at end of life when they are so frail. Quite honestly it's a pet peeve of mine when grown up children continue to act like squabbling babies. But again, no one can squabble with someone not there, so just exit sooner than later.

Two independent POAS, raised as siblings, one was belligerent and hostile, then moved 1,000 miles away, hid or walked away with LO’s assets, complained constantly, visited 2 or 3 times a year.

One stayed less than 5 miles away from LO, visited regularly, dealt with interactions with AL, brought/sent holiday items to LO, held her and during pressure sore treatments (because I loved her dearly) etc. etc. etc. etc…….

No “tips”, MUCH too much experience.

Why the fighting?
If this is your mother do you all not have her best interest at heart?
Who is POA if anyone?
If no one that needs to be arranged ASAP (if it is not already to late)
There are mediators that can help with conflicts like this. (this can be costly and then the arguments begins as to who pays for the mediator)
bottom line:
*If mom is unable to live INDEPENDENTLY at home then she should either have caregivers that she pays for that will be with her for as long as she needs help. That could be a few hours a day or 24/7.
*If caregivers are out of the question then a move to a facility that will meet her needs. That could be Assisted Living or Memory Care. Or possibly Independent Living if she can manage on her own but can not keep up with household chores.

To keep someone living in their home for the sake of being in the "family" home if they can not manage, or it takes the rest of the family to keep the person in the home is insane and for the long run untenable. It places undue burden on members of the family that should be taking care of their own households.

I guess the advice given will depend upon whether there is a PoA and what exactly everyone is fighting about (sometimes it isn't about the care but rather the preservation of the perceived inheritance).

In the absence of a PoA I agree that a 3rd party mediator may be the best solution here. If there's no PoA then I agree with cwillie that guardianship may be the only other solution.

Questions:

Who is everyone fighting over?
Does this person have dementia?
Where does this person live?
Who has the DPOA?

A disinterested third party present at all meetings may keep things in check, family courts often have paid mediation. But if there is a POA they really don't have to consult with anybody, and from your question I can see why they would not. If the dysfunction is severe enough that petitioning for guardianship is attempted it will all be decided by a judge.