How do you convince an unruly parent to go to a facility? Can I make her go? I’m mentally exhausted from dealing with her.

Thank you for your reply. I have told her that she is going somewhere after the holiday. I guess I feel guilty, but no idea why. She comes from a long line of children taking care of parents at home. I have explained I can’t do that. Just hard.

Thanks for sharing your story and so happy you got your life back. It all hits very close to home. I remind her daily to do her exercises and she has very little interest, especially since we've been having some serious talks about moving. I try to tell her she's just hurting herself. My husband has been very supportive and thank God, my kids are grown, but I have grandkids I'm missing out on. I have just lost myself in this whole process. I CANNOT wait to get back to a normal life. It's unfortunate that it has taken me this long to put my foot down. I love this supportive forum and appreciate your comments. I am making a move with her one way or another in January. I would rather it be a positive experience but it's clearly not going to be. I have friends who's parents are so agreeable to make that next life decision as they age. I can only wish...lol. We will all likely have to make those decisions if we live long enough. If I've learned nothing else, I know I will never burden my own children with what to do with me. We've already had that talk..lol! Thanks again for the advice. You are 100% spot on!

So true!

Great point! I so appreciate the encouragement. It helps to hear confirmation of what I already know. I'm psyching myself up for January. She must go somewhere!

You are SO right about our brains causing most of this! Sometimes I do things just because it's easier than dealing with the pushback. She's VERY stubborn. I don't know how to describe her cognition other than mild-moderate. She forgets things sometimes, repeats things, has no money management skills, and sometimes makes bad decisions. She uses a walker and can get out of bed and wheelchair on her on and walks pretty much everywhere, but is very high risk for falls and requires help with dressing, bathing, toileting and cooking. I also have the guilty thoughts that she will likely decline once moved to a facility. I saw this happen at the 1st facility she was in and observed how much she improved once back at home. However, I realize HER life is what SHE makes it, and that's up to her.

Thank you for the reply and encouragement. I wish I was better at doing this. I have a plan to get her somewhere after the holidays. I hate it has taken me this long, because my family has suffered, but I'm way at past burned out and it's a necessity at this point. I'm still dreading the process because she is going to fight it. She's the type that would call a cab to come get her.

Thanks for responding. I have tried sorting through this guilty feeling for the last 2 years. I've been the "parent" in this relationship since I was a kid. I'm aware of all her antics and I'm quite used to it and usually have pretty good coping skills but this move has thrown me a loop! I have always kept her best interest at heart, but maintained my distance as an adult. We chatted on the phone weekly, only getting together on special occasions or if she truly needed assistance. I'm just saying we were not that close as many mother/daughters are. When she became ill, I was her best advocate for getting the best care, but the NH she was living in (supposedly the best in my county) declined while she was there. New DONs, lots of staff quit and went elsewhere. I saw my mother decline over these years and I attributed that partly to her health issues and age. However, when she came home, she thrived. Learned to walk after not getting proper therapy at the previous place, mainly due to COVID rule changes and limited staff. She started getting out in the community, her cognition improved, and her overall health improved. Although she would not be going back to that particular facility, I somehow believe I'd be contributing to her demise, thus the guilt. Now granted, she picks and chooses what she puts her efforts into, and if she chooses to do nothing for herself once she moves, I know that has nothing to do with me. The 2 facilities I have narrowed to are good and I know people at both places as it's a small town...her hometown. I don't have any places near my home that are decent so I'd be most comfortable with her there although it's farther away. Thanks for letting me explain and vent! Regardless of my unfounded feelings, she's got to go! And very good point about the generations of caregivers. You are right!

Sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation, that's for sure. She either doesn't understand the burden or refuses to acknowledge it-probably a little of both. I'm trying to avoid arguments with my mother, but shes going in January. I'm going to tell her she can make the best of it and I can visit regularly and she can come and visit me on special occasions/doctor's appointments-OR- if she chooses to throw a fit, I'll do it the hard way and find the necessary resources to get her there and keep my distance afterwards. I'm exhausted and over it.

I love the statement about the arrangement only works if it works for both parties. I'm going to use this with her! However, she knows it doesn't work for me, she just doesn't care. Her cognitive impairment is mild-moderate. She definitely understands when I'm making decisions she doesn't like..lol. The AL facility near her offers respite care where she could go for a trial visit but I really feel like she needs NH care. That's part of our battle. I'm going to check with a NH and see if they offer some type of respite care to ease her in there. One of her caregivers has been diagnosed with a serious illness and likely won't be able to work much longer, so it's a good time to make a move. Thanks for your comments and encouragement. I needed it!

Thank you for your words. I have told her the truth multiple times. I'm brutally honest. I have done this nicely and we've had heated arguments over it. I just need to act and place her somewhere. My goal is to get her somewhere in January. The part I struggle with is pulling away. She requires 24 hour assistance with ADLs. I could elect not to hire the sitters when I go back home, but I would consider that neglect. She needs help with toileting, getting meals, etc. She knows she needs help but doesn't like to admit it. She'll cry and act like she's so sorry for keeping me away from my home, yet she refuses to budge. She's just a selfish individual. She already qualifies for Medicaid and has a daily 5 hour caregiver, however that's a drop in the bucket considering she needs round the clock assistance. I pay the additional caregivers to give myself a mental break and to spend time with my family. I hate missing out on time with my grandkids. I posted in this forum in search of ideas on how to go about actually convincing her to go and making this happen, preferably peacefully. I realize that's not likely..lol. It's up to me and I appreciate your suggestions.