Do I go on a trip with my mom despite years of childhood trauma?

"No, I’m not going because over a week with her so far away from home I would be at her whim- and wrath. Yes, I should go because she’s my mom and I love her."

Stop feeling guilty. Your mother is not a nice person. It sounds like she abused you as a child (emotionally at the minimum I don't know if she abused you in other ways too) and she is still using you as her whipping post verbally.

Here's the thing you don't have to do anything for your mother. She certainly doesn't deserve anything after how she treated a helpless and defenseless child. The fact that she is still doing these terrible things to you is reason enough for you to say, "No mom. I am not going on this trip with you." You could tell her the reason why but I am sure she would just blow that off as you being too sensitive or she would deny her abusiveness.

Yes generational trauma exists and we can say mom is the way she is because of how she was treated as a child. But is that really an excuse? Because if that was the case every single child that was abused would be abusive to their own children. The reality is that she chose to abuse her children. There is something broken and wrong in her brain and she lacks empathy for others. Sadly especially for her own children. It is all about her and her feelings and her needs and her wants. I say screw that. It is time for you to focus on you and your needs and your wants and to hell with your mother.

It would be a positive thing for you if your mother died. That's just how I see it when these abusers are still abusing their adult children and said adult children cannot cut off all contact (as they should).

Love her from a distance (if you must) but please stop trying to make her happy. If she endures just a small dose of misery as a consequence of her actions that would be a very good thing. She will never emphasize with what she did and is doing to you mentally but at least you are standing up for yourself and saying NO MORE. I will not allow this person to do this to me just because she is my mother.

Since you are doing therapy to deal with issues that relate to your mom, a vacation with her doesn't seem wise.

Don't suck it up. Only go if you are certain you can say "no I don't want to do that" and "you may not speak that way to me" and walk away.

Loving someone does not mean being their doormat.

Making a plan with mom BEFORE the trip for a certain amount of time for each of you to be on your own (to go to different museums, activities or cafes or just be alone) will tell you loads about whether you should go.

Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt.

https://outofthefog.website/

Unless you are truly healed(as in really healed and have forgiven her as that is the only way one can be truly healed)from your childhood trauma, I would say no don't go. If you've not forgiven her and not fully moved past your past, you're only asking for old wounds to be opened again, and steps back to be taken.
Your mental health is WAY more important than any trip with your mom could ever be.
What you're feeling is grief not guilt. Grief that you didn't have the kind of mom you needed growing up, and grief that you never will. That's not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
So follow your brain on this one and kick that guilt to the curb.

I would have preferred getting a root canal to going on a "vacation" alone with my mother for a week! My God, gives me the willies just thinking about it.

My therapy cost me a lot of money, way back when, and taught me ONE thing: you'll never be friends with your mother. And that's okay.

What on earth are YOU eaten up with guilt over? Isn't SHE the one whose supposed to be eaten up with guilt over her treatment of YOU?

Stay home and stop trying to be the daughter she'll never appreciate, or trying to make her the mother she's incapable of being.

There's freedom in that acknowledgement, my friend.

"My brain knows it would not be a safe space for me to go on this vacation"

Full stop.

Don't go.

What things were different? Emotional and physical abuse are and were always wrong.

So is trying to control via money, which her paying for the trip amounts to, a bribe.

Don’t do it. Deep down you know this will end in disaster.

She is pulling a classic abusive tactic. Being nice, wanting to pay for the whole trip, wanting to spend time with you. So you go on the trip where you’re in close quarters and you can’t just up and leave. She now has every opportunity to make the rest of the trip a living hell for you. You’re a trapped audience.

You’re in therapy because of this woman. Why would you want to go on a trip with her? If you’re hoping for her to be different this time. It won’t happen.

You mention repeatedly that you love your mother. It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself that you truly love her? I get it, but why do you love someone who hurt you so much? You didn’t deserve that. You want her to love you back SO badly. She doesn’t sound capable of that. Stop trying to make her happy with you, or happy in general. Abusers are only happy when they’re hurting someone.

IMHO: Just say no thank you. Agree to share time on your terms. If you go along with her plans you will be under her control.

I went on a 7-day cruise with my 92 year old Mom. My Dad had died almost 2 years before. They took many cruises together and I felt like a poor substitute. I had hoped she would enjoy getting away but all I heard was complaining. It was the longest 7 days of my life and it didn't do anything good for our relationship. It has been a couple of years now, she wants to do another cruise and can't go alone. I don't want a replay of our previous cruise.

You alone know the answer to this question. Are you certain you can handle it? I would explore doing this with your therapist.

My mother said recently how she wished she could go on another cruise. My husband thought it would be nice for me to take her on one. But I am certain I could not do it. She’s tough and demanding and can turn on you. Not to mention she has heart trouble and is not mobile anymore. It would be a horrible trip.

It can’t happen now anyway since she is in a NH. So thankfully it’s a non issue.