Is my extreme grief over placing mom in memory care normal?

Yes, GRIEF.
Finally someone has no come to us with "I feel guilty", the wrong G-word.
In this our times we often die within ourselves, while the shell of who we were remains. This causes the most awful distress for us and our family stands witness to every single step of it, to every single loss until this final one.

How could you not feel to most AWFUL grief standing witness, helpless, to these losses?
Who would you be if you could tolerate this without tears?

You have the right word--GRIEF.
You have the right response--helpless tears and anquish.
But that doesn't help the pain.
I am so sorry. There's no way out of grief but through it, and you are in all the "normal" stages.
When my parents died, each in their early to mid 90s, I stood outside and I was filled with RELIEF. I no longer had to fear for them. No longer had to witness their pain and stand helpless within it.

I am so very very sorry. I know you already know all this. No one can know what this is if they have no been there.

I felt a tremendous amount of grief that mom had dementia and a need FOR care in Memory Care Assisted Living. Not that she lived in a beautiful place with quality caregivers who genuinely loved her. Nor did I feel grief that I didn't have the desire or medical training to take on her care at home, as one person, when I know it takes a team to properly care for an elder with dementia.

I felt grief that mom suffered the way she did and prayed for God to take her Home on a daily basis.

I felt grief that she complained constantly about everything and everybody, and held me responsible for her misery.

I felt grief every time I visited her and saw her further deterioration, mentally, and sometimes physically after suffering TIAs.

It's common to feel sadness in such a situation, I think, as long as we don't take responsibility for their age, illness and deterioration due to dementia. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't change it. Old age is difficult to witness sometimes, but the upside is these women GOT to live long lives.

Grief can coexist with happiness.

Be happy that there was enough money to put mom in a nice mc where her quality of life, and yours, will improve.

Definitely normal! You are grieving the loss of your mom, one piece at a time. My mom has dementia, but not as advanced as your mom. It is hard losing them, little by little. In time, you'll adjust to the new reality. Hold on - it's a rocky road.

But also know that you did the right thing for both you and your mother.

Best of luck.

Of course, you are sad. This is a huge change in your life.

You need time to adjust just as much as your mom does. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your mom being the independent person that she once was and accept that she needs care from a professional staff.

Wishing you peace as you continue to be a wonderful advocate for your mother. Congratulate yourself on finding the best possible solution for your mother’s needs.

Well, I look at this a different way, my step-mother is in MC, she has a nice apartment, friends, enjoys activities and is safe.

I am happy, not sad that there are facilities like this and that she can be properly cared for, as neither my brother nor I are capable of doing this.

We age, we are all living too long, some of us end up in a facility due to physical ailments others due to mental shortcomings, either way acceptance of the aging process is the watchword. You, too will have to face this as you age.

You have not failed her, she is where she needs to be.

Sending support your way.

Perhaps you need to separate your ‘profound sadness and despair’ into two parts. One is for your mother, the other is for you. Your plan has failed, so you have failed too, in what you wanted to achieve. Your mother has moved to a facility because she cannot be cared for adequately at home. It’s a final stage in her life that she almost certainly didn’t want. So it can be looked at as a failure for her too.

If you can split the ‘failures’ like this, perhaps you can deal better with your own ‘failures’, and be more objective about ‘best option’ for your mother. That may help you get through this ‘extreme grief’. It’s normal to find this stage very upsetting, but yes this is an ‘extreme reaction’.

First, there’s guilt, then grief. Then gratitude.

Memory care is generally only for those who can afford it. That you can is something to be grateful for.

This IS a huge change--and one that sounded necessary.

Your mother has not died, she is simply in a different home. You still have her in your life.

Time will heal this initial shock and you will find balance and joy again. In fairness to you, moving mom to a place that is better for her will benefit both of you in time.

You can spend as much time with mom as you want and know you did the best/right thing for her.

This is called anticipatory grief. It is a real condition. One I have battled for the past 3 years. I am in counseling which takes the edge off. Friends , even siblings. do not understand the depth of our pain. They tell you to emotionally detach. I have mom in an AL…managed care needs to be managed. Even a vacation away is tough to do. This is the worst time of my life. I am 73. Mom 90. The sadness is indeed profound.