I added a TL;DR at the end since this will be long haha.
When I was 18, my father passed away leaving behind my mother and I, along with his two parents that, at the time, had recently moved near us. Traditionally, it's been only my mother, father, and I living together. The rest of our family is across the US or in Europe. For more context, I've never met a cousin of mine and only know of 3 first cousins in Europe. I'm currently 24 and am making an effort to not push this to the back of my mind. My mom is currently 55.
That aside, I'm in a situation where my mom watches my back and I watch hers. While I'm not around every time she gets sick, I'm more than willing to provide financial support so she can get the health support she needs (i.e. running to the ER in the case of persisting chest pains and sweats). We don't have the best relationship, mainly because she struggles with anxiety and being exposed to it puts me on edge. It's hard to be around her for a while. To be clear, it's not "PTSD" or random type panic moments, but there are panic moments when she is overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to take care of her as she grows older.
She doesn't seem to be taking care of herself and is struggling with her retirement. It was about 4 years ago when she first realized that she needed to save for retirement. To date, she has just under 40k in her 401k and could get 400k by selling the home she's living in now. I'm not necessarily seeking financial advice, but just wanted to bring more context. I've also encouraged her to go to therapy to help with her mental health, but I feel like I can only push so hard, so I don't try my luck. She has adopted 3 dogs and has 4 cats from before my dad passed away. The dogs seem to add on the stress, with one in particular likely causing her issues. It's a situation where, since she already adopted them, giving one or more of the dogs up would be akin to sending them to their death. While I agree with her for the most part, I feel as though her mental health is neglected by keeping them (really one in particular).
As a brief addition, she seems to consistently add more to her plate and overwhelm herself. In a sense, always keeping herself busy, but by stuffing her schedule. My fear is that by loading so much on the table, a leg breaks and causes everything else to fall apart.
She is currently a caregiver to her mother-in-law, or my grandmother. A couple of years ago, my grandfather passed away, leading to my grandmother's health declining and for dementia symptoms to form. My mom takes care of my grandmother and chastises my uncle who seems to want to remain distant from my grandmother. He has provided financial support, but doesn't seem to care about how the assisted care facility is treating her. My mom doesn't beleive he calls and regularly tells me that she fears me treating her like my uncle treats my grandmother. In a way, this constant anxiety she's feeling about it pushes me away more than it makes me want to reassure her. I can imagine her in the future crying because I haven't seen her in X amount of time, and that scares me. I don't really talk to my uncle, but my understanding is that the relationship with his mother was turbulent and something he still copes with today, but I have little idea.
Given the circumstances, how can I live my own life, encourage her to manage her mental health, and take care of her without feeling crushed? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading (:
TL;DR - My father passed 6 years ago, leaving my mom (now age 55) and I (now age 24). The rest of my family is scattered and I'm the only one with immediate access to her. She struggles to handle her personal life, dealing with financial and anxiety issues. I'm worried she'll add too much to her plate and then fall apart, leaving me to pick up the pieces. She is a caregiver for her mother-in-law (my grandmother) and feels an obligation to help her (otherwise my uncle wouldn't).
27 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
YOU can control your actions and reactions.
YOU can not force her or make her make better choices.
YOU can make better choices for yourself.
You need to start thinking about yourself, your future, your eventual retirement.
Your mother is far to young for you to take all the responsibility. (continue like this you will be caring for her for another 30, 40 years...what happens to you?)
While I can't control her actions and responses, it's hard to think of someone that's sacraficed a ton for me and turn my back on them for making poor decisions. I also understand repayment can never truly be accomplished, but I envision being pretty disturbed by her condition in the future. Then, thinking that she's in that position because I chose to deny assistance... I don't want it to be a sore spot, but it feels like it always will be.
Unfortunately you are living your life vicariously through her and playing the "What If Card" a total waste of time.
Your mother is only 55, she has plenty of time to learn how to manage her life both emotionally & financially.
Worry about you getting your life on track, a good job, a nice place to live building for your future, not hers.
ADVERTISEMENT
I became a widow at 50 (no kids), and dove into my career to keep busy and get past the grief. I challenged myself to work hard, make money and save it. I paid off my house and retired at age 65. Sure, I had panic attacks, a tad of anxiety and lots of sadness during that process. I never met anyone I liked enough to date. I got a great dog myself, I had for 7 years. She sounds perfectly normal to me.
The loss of a spouse sucks. Your life is ripped in half. She is managing to work, be successful and even let her son move back in. Your job now is not to fret or obsess over her future, but to make her busy life NOW much easier! That means helping around her house, with no drama.
In other words....be a great, thoughtful and upbeat son, that doesn't stress her out! Offer to take her out sometime for a casual dinner, or just to do something fun. Tell her she looks fabulous, clean the gutters, take her car to the car wash and treat her...make her smile! Stop giving her the "worried vibe." You are lucky to have a great Mom, who is obviously successful and independent, so let her know that by your actions. Don't be a downer, or act worried about HER future. Instead, ask her advice about YOUR future! If you see she needs help, offer it. Be positive, helpful and hopeful around her. It's simple. Give her the respect she has earned and be thankful she's surviving quite nicely.
While living under her roof, make her life as easy as possible. Don't even mention Assisted Living to her at her age! Focus on your own life, not hers. You got this!
I don't believe my mom is as independent as you suggest. Yes, she has been successful with work and juggles many other tasks, a doer. Her level of attachment to me is pretty strong though, and she has personal fears about not being taken care of in the future. While I've told her that she'll be taken care of, I've been honest in saying that I wouldn't do the same thing that she's doing for her MIL, my grandmother. It feels like a black hole that can never be filled.
With this in mind, it's hard to be upbeat like you suggest. I don't think it's possible to be who she wants me to be.
Additionally, by making her busy life easier, wouldn't that allow her to take on more tasks, stressing herself out even more? I don't mean this in a combative way, but that sounds like enabling the sort of behavior that's currently creating problems.
I know women who live on much less than that! One has a pension from her husband ($560 per month) and social security retirement ($970 per month). She occasionally works pet sitting. She owns her home in an area with a moderate cost of living, and her house is paid for. She has an IRA. She's a widow and lives modestly, has a nice vacation with a group tour every two years. She's 77. I'm only mentioning this because your mom is comparatively much better off.
You're way too enmeshed with your mom. I admire your wish to be a good son, and you are. But part of growing up is growing away, establishing your own life, and realizing that mom is not your responsibility. Nor are you hers.
Good luck and best wishes for a happy life.
My mom would be worried about letting go of the house, the backyard garden, and all the luxeries that come with it. While I might think to myself, "Okay, seriously? Do you really need all of this?" There's a part of herself that suffers a bit from the loss.
Most people would call that growing up and saying "sh*t happens," but it doesn't get rid of the pain.
One thing I did take away from your post which I hadn't really thought about, is that if she were to downgrade her lifestyle, she would be able to adapt to whatever place she ends up at. If people can lose limbs and live happy fulfilling lives, I'm sure my mom can move to a smaller house and make adjustments where needed. I see that a lot of this is not wanting to see her go through the pain.
You are 24, just out of relationship, and you have time and energy to go along with M’s ‘wants’ – even to see them as ‘needs’. If you change your support now, M has the time and energy to pick up dealing with them herself. If pushed, she will cope.
If you don’t change now, but find it needs to change in the future, you will be ‘dropping’ M and her demands at a time when she may no longer have the ability to cope so well. Her expectations of you will have grown, and her skills to cope will wither on the vine. She will probably be very angry with you. This is NOT doing her (or your relationship with her) a favor. Sort it now!
I appreciate you bringing this up. This seems to apply to all relationships, where leaving matters unattended prevents the other person from working on whatever it is they need to adapt to. For my mom, that would be creating more independence for herself and envisioning a life of her own while I have my own life.
I'm glad I reached out about it. Thanks again for your guidance.
Your mother might be having more stress due to caregiving for your grandfather. That's a lot. Does she work? Do not expect your uncle to do anything in the caregiving realm. Some people are not cut out for it. If a person is not interested, they should not be pushed or otherwise guilted into it. Also meaning that your mother does not HAVE to provide care either. If her health is suffering, then she should be making a plan to back out as well. She should look at what she is providing for care and how to get it off of her plate.
Your mom is only 55 so you should not really be figuring out how to take care of her but how you are going to take care of YOU. Do you work and have a career? That's where your focus should be. And going out with your friends and enjoying life.
If your mom is driving you thinking about how you are going to care for her, I would seriously shift that conversation into how is she going to take care of HERSELF. Can she currently take care of her $400K house or are you propping her up to do so? Are you living with her? She could sell her house and move into a small apartment in a retirement community. Then Assisted Living when she can no longer live independently.
You do NOT want to be THE answer to how you are going to take care of her. Be her son, not her caregiver.
Also, make sure your mom has her paperwork in order. She should have things like a will, living will, power of attorney (medical and financial), etc in order. Without these documents, when something happens it will be nightmare for you. You should also be beneficiary on any accounts she has.
So, shift your focus and you can ensure that you BOTH have a nice future to look forward to.
To answser your questions neatly:
Q: Does she work?
A: Yes, her current base salary is around 96k with a potential 20% bonus (we doubt that's happening this year but who knows).
Q: Do you work and have a career?
A: Yes, I was able to make it through school and become a software developer.
Q: Can she currently take care of her $400K house or are you propping her up to do so?
A: She is handling the house herself, but I never have seen her specific finances. She is making payments consistently but I wonder if it's at the cost of her retirement.
Q: Are you living with her?
A: Yes, though I'm hoping it wasn't a mistake. I just moved back in a week ago to hopefully save some money for a move to the city. I also wrapped up a master's degree, so the timing was right to move. It will give me time to recieve an expected promotion and plan my finances without dealing with school and work at the same time (there's a lot less on my plate)
So far though, it's been tough dealing with her anxiety. I'm going to bring it up at some point, but it seems like she is about to freak out over something small at any point and that's draining to me. Maybe it's necessary that I just move right back out and potentially get a mediocre lease for an apartment to improve my mental health. Not sure yet.
At this point in her life, mom needs to take responsibility for her own life and not lay it at your feet, regardless of cultural expectations. She will have $440k+ by the time she retires, which is enough to liquidate and move into senior housing, then Assisted Living as needed. Make it perfectly clear to her that you will not assume the role of hands on caregiver for her in the future, as I did with my parents. That you will have a job and a family to attend to and no time or medical background to facilitate in home care of a senior. Prepare her NOW for what lies ahead down the road. Urge her to get meds and counseling for her issues or YOU will become (or continue to be) the parent and she will be the child. Many parents groom their children to take on JUST that role. It's not a lack of love that prevents us from accepting that role, but recognition of the importance of having separate lives as individuals w/o a parent usurping our freedom.
Wishing you the best of luck and courage realizing that YOUR life comes first.
She's currently taking care of her MIL which means there's a husband.
Let him pay for her insurance and take responsibility for her. She's taking responsibility for his mother.
This.
Retirement age is 67 where I live (to access either Govt pension or personal retirement funds). At 55 your Mother may be considered somewhat old is some cultures, but I'd consider 'middle aged'. If no major health concerns, middle aged persons can be working.
Something is holding her back from her most productive life. This is her issue to explore, seek advice & find solutions for. Using a child/grown young adult for all your support needs is 'dependant' behaviour in my book.
You are her son. Not her therapist.
I'm currently seeking family therapy. After talking with her earlier, it seems like a good stepping stone if we want our relationship to improve going forward.