On an island with a single aging mother and setting expectations.

<p data-uw-rm-sr="">I've been a long time follower of the forum and it's heart-warming to see the support and empathy shown to members. I'm not yet in the deep end of the care giving journey but anticipate to land there in the next few years. My mother immigrated to the US over 30 years ago and has raised me as a single parent without any support. She recently turned 65 and I'm about to turn 39. I was living a short flight away from her for about 5 years but have moved back into town (less than 40 min away) during the pandemic a few months into my marriage. There was always an understanding that it was just the two of us in this world and an implicit expectation that I would be there for her as she got older. Since I started working after college I began contributing to household bills and have continued to do so after moving out to the tune of around $2000/month. This also includes expensive gifts and contributing to large household expenses. I'm fortunate enough to be able to work from home now in a pretty high level position, but I've been helping her financially at the expense of my own future from the start of my career. I call her pretty much every day with most conversations centering around her complaints and frustrations. If I skip a day, she will manage to remind me that she has no one else to talk to. After moving back to town, I see her pretty much every weekend to clean her house, bring over cooked meals and groceries. Bringing in hired help is a challenge because her expectations are very high as well as finding someone willing to wear a mask and gloves (she's super COVID-conscious). I find it easier to put the labor in myself at this point. Although we have no children, this schedule has put a strain on my marriage because my husband thinks I'm prioritizing my mother's needs over our relationship sometimes. We live in a very expensive city in California and my mother isn't able to retire and hasn't planned for it at all. She works from home but gets overwhelmed with daily upkeep tasks. Although she lives in a townhouse in one of the best neighborhoods in the city, she always complains because she doesn't have enough indoor and outdoor space. She's worked really hard all the years she's been in this country so she is depressed over getting stuck in her current circumstances. When I was a child I told her that I'd love for us to live in a mother/daughter house so we can always be close by. My sentiment has changed - our relationship, while mostly good, is fraught with the usual complexities (she still thinks she knows best, is quite judgmental and uses me as a dumping ground for all problems and unresolved trauma with her own mother). While I would be fine with her moving closer so that I can be more present for her during the week and she would feel like she'd have more nearby support as she gets older, she doesn't like my neighborhood because it's not as high brow as hers. She brings up options, which are often very expensive and inconvenient for me (moving to the middle of nowhere to get a property with more land so that I can build her a house on it). She's even started mentioning moving in together but quickly commenting that "she doesn't want to be where she's not wanted". I recognize that she's had a very difficult life. Her family was abusive and awful, no successful romantic relationships, no friends. She is a great mother and has done everything possible to make sure I feel loved. At the same time, I resent being the only backstop, support system, and retirement plan. Objectively speaking I already do a lot more for her than most people do for their parents at that age. How do I balance the prison of guilt/obligation and the desire to not feel trapped by our circumstances?