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Zigster15711 Asked December 19, 2023

Tips needed: how to help husband deal with his toxic sister, feckless brother and manipulative mother who (now) doesn't want to be in AL.

The Background: my husband's mother is 92. I moved to my husband's birth country 10 years ago so he could be near his mother & help out as she aged. Mother-in-law has always stated she wanted to live in her own home, not a Care Home as "that's where you go to die." Further, her mother-in-law lived with her for years & she hated it, so she always said she didn't want to live with her children. (It was agreed with my husband before we moved here that his mother would not live with us. I work at home & my mental health would detonate.) We visit his mother a lot but sadly she has grown very lonely as her last sister died 2 years ago & her one friend passed last year. Even more sadly, none of her six grandchildren (five of whom live near her) EVER drop by to see her & her daughter has not visited her (until yesterday) in 7 years. Daughter doesn't take her mother's calls either. She was only roused to action when she was told their mother moved into a care home. Conversely, husband's youngest brother (50+ years old) moved back in with their mother this year to live rent free after changing jobs 6 times. Mother-in-law complained that he hadn't asked her permission to move in & he didn't spend enough time with her, just used her house as a (free) hotel.
Escalation: mother-in-law's eyesight started to worsen, which understandably makes her anxious. Whenever youngest brother stayed at his girlfriend's (who lives hours away) mother-in-law panicked over little things & either called my husband at work or checked herself into hospital "feeling dizzy" & "not herself." But she wanted to continue living at home so we finally managed to get her onto an assisted home care package (long waiting list.) Then the brother, who clearly couldn't cope with her complaints, abruptly moved away to his girlfriend's, giving us 3 days notice. Panic ensued. Mother-in-law started saying that the house was too much for her, "why was she here," she wanted to die, etc. My husband had to move in with her for 2 weeks to cook for her, but every day she said she didn't want to be in the house any more & to find her a care home. So we did. Not an easy task but we found a lovely place with a nice big room; respite care initially with a view to permanent. THEN two days before she was due to go in she started saying "I'm not sure I made the right decision." The day of the move: "Why are you sending me away?" She seemingly has forgotten it was her idea. Nurse said it usually takes a month to settle in so my husband has gone to visit her every day. She's been there a week. A few days ago she was the happiest we've seen her in months but THEN the Wicked Witch of the--I mean, the estranged sister finally dropped in (7 years too late) to visit Mother in the care home. And she rang my husband (in front of mother) accusing him of being a villain who imprisoned their mother against her will. Her first visit in 7 years & all she did was stir things up & try to tell everyone what to do. (Which is not happening as husband & sensible brother have Power of Attorney.) The sister & feckless brother seem mainly worried that mother being in care home will reduce their eventual inheritance. The sensible brother lives 1.5 hours away & is pretty hands-off so my husband gets all the flak.
Husband claims he doesn't care that he's labelled the 'Bad Guy', but he does. Cue too much drinking & yelling at me as he can't cope with stress at all. Obviously I am v. unhappy (angry) about it.
Any coping suggestions? I'm guessing this isn't an unusual scenario. I understand that my urge to say exactly what I think isn't helpful (to my husband-- it helps me!) And probably if we let his mother go back home to cope on her own (with home care people dropping back) she'll just try again to coerce husband into being her live-in carer at her house. Or, worse still, she'll fall & end up in hospital. And husband will be an even bigger 'Bad Guy.' Tips besides leaving the country & leaving them to it?

AlvaDeer Dec 19, 2023
Yes, leave the country and leave them to it. Period.
You didn't cause all this and you cannot fix all this.

I would tell hubby this:
"I love you.
You have done what you can. You can detonate (I love that expression of yours) our entire lives.
But no one here will thank you for it, love you for it, or be happy about it.
Not everything can be fixed, and men love fixing things; this is painful for you. People will want to blame you because it is easier to blame than to accept that things cannot be made better.
I am going to let you deal with your feelings about all of this. The aging transition is a crucible and we aren't alone in this. If you want to talk I am here."

Give him a hug and step away. He will have many feelings about this. The important thing is that he doesn't let inappropriate guilt (he didn't cause and can't fix this) drive him to make decisions that will harm his own life and his own family. Which is YOU. So just pray that doesn't happen. Reassure him that grief about all this is the better g-word than guilt.

This just isn't in his control. Men hate that.
I wish you the best.
Zigster15711 Dec 19, 2023
Thank you! Good advice as I know he needs the support rather than me moaning about his siblings, but it's hard not to. I will try your suggestions. (I am already planning the move... life is too short. I've lost both my parents and stepfather and, thankfully, my siblings were all on the same page when it came to dealing with their care. I now realise how lucky that was!)
TouchMatters Dec 24, 2023
What's that saying about the tail leading the dog ?
The "tail wagging the dog." That's what has happened here.

You are allowed this MIL, with changing brain chemistry, and confusion and fears, decide what is best for her ... when she doens't have the wherewithal to make these decisions.

I am presuming that there is some dementia involved here. (My comments are based on this diagnosis, in part).

You need to decide what is best for YOU and YOUR husband first. Then YOU both decide what / where his M will go. She is so fortunate that you are / were able to afford as you write: "Not an easy task but we found a lovely place with a nice big room; respite care initially with a view to permanent."

Yes - suggestion:
You 'cope' by taking control if this situation. You have not.

As long as you both (you and your husband) cater to her, you both will be frustrated, exhausted, and perhaps end up in financial ruins.

You both need to EDUCATE YOURSELVES / learn what dementia is (call or google Teepa Snow), buy a few books ... you 'deal' with a changing brain by being both compassionate and setting boundaries and being the decision-makers. Period.

She will not be happy because she has been running circles around you/the family unit.

This has to stop and that will only happen when you realize that you (and husband) need to take control of this situation - for her sake as well as yours.
You are re-acting to her fears and confusion. What she needs are guidelines and the security of knowing she is safe. You provide this 'safety' or sense of safety by how you speak to her, how you interact with the care providers at the facility... you never ever let the MIL make her own housing arrangements.

As she is lonely, call local volunteer organizations, churches, etc to see about visitors coming in to support her well being. Remember, she is frightened, confused, scared. THIS is where you start and THIS is what you acknowledge and support --- her safety and security as best you can.

And, then realize you can only 'do' so much. She may NEVER feel happy or content. You do the best you can. However, with guidelines set for her, she will then have a framework to 'work within emotionally and psychologically,' (to the best of her ability cognitively) even if she doens't like it.

She may be forced to rely on aides / staff for emotional support. This could happen - she may eventually bond to the care providers available to her.

If your husband doesn't agree and work with you as a 'unit' - then this is where your work starts. You might need couples' counseling. He may have deep rooted 'mother issues,' that determine how he relates/responds to her now. Understandably, although both of you need to understand what is going on (running him), too.

Gena / Touch Matters
Zigster15711 Dec 26, 2023
Thank you-- it's good to be reminded to remain more objective and work from a logical position rather than the swamp of emotional manipulation-- from MIL, toxic sister, and feckless brother. Dementia isn't such a big issue at this stage tbh, but family divisiveness is and same rules you outline apply. MIL is in many ways happier than she's been for months in the care home as she has made friends and she was lonely in her own home-- but she stubbornly is not admitting that. She takes her meds under supervision. She gets three square meals a day and doesn't have safety hazards all around her. We can cope with her moaning about 'why is she there?" It's the two divisive siblings (who don't have PoA) who are main problem now (it changes rapidly.) Their worry seems to be having to sell MIL's house to pay for her care in a care home as it will reduce their inheritance. But that is what will have to happen. Hopefully she'll get another 10 years of a happier life in a safer place. Thanks again.

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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 19, 2023
I’m sorry that your husband’s family are stirring up the pot. You have absolutely no control over what others think or say.

Sure, it’s unpleasant to hear this crap from his siblings, but it doesn’t change anything.

Congratulations on finding a suitable facility.

I would emphasize to your husband that your mother in law is exactly where she needs to be and that how his siblings feel about this situation truly doesn’t matter.

Or he could suggest that if they don’t like this arrangement, then they can take their mom home with them!

Wishing you and your family all the best.
Zigster15711 Dec 19, 2023
Thank you! Appreciate the empathy very much.
Fawnby Dec 19, 2023
In addition to all the problems with the rest of the family, your husband is drinking and yelling at you. That's abuse. You can't let it go on. You shouldn't be the whipping boy so husband can cope with the stress.

Which is hopefully temporary. But how long?

Go. Gracefully, but go. Leave the country and save yourself. Yes, you wanted other tips for dealing with it, but there are none that make any sense from your point of view. They're all about somebody else, and you're the abused wife. You need out.

You are not to be sacrificed upon the altar of his family dysfunction and discord. You can tell husband that just before you get on the plane.

So sorry, and I hope you go soon. And far, go far. It's really nice in Bali this time of year.
Zigster15711 Dec 20, 2023
Yes, you are right that the offloading on me can't continue. I have actually started the house search for moving away in spring 2024, which is tons of work in itself, but all this has been a great impetus. Was happy to see husband was (on his own) looking at the town I picked to move to (abroad and yes, very far away from here!) And thanks-- it's always a good reminder that the 'new normal' is not... normal and must stop.
JoAnn29 Dec 20, 2023
You husband needs to know that this whole scenario is not his fault. And he needs to tell Dear sister if she does not like having Mom in an AL, then she can move in with Mom and care for her. He is a POA not a caretaker. He is responsible for Moms finances and making sure she gets what she needs, which is the AL. Because holding POA does not mean you do the hands on care. Does not mean u leave ur wife to take care of Mom. If he is visiting Mom daily, it should not be for a long time. She needs to get used to staff caring for her and getting involved. Since other brother is also POA, maybe it would be good for both of you to come back to the States. Mom is safe in an AL, other son will have POA that he can handle from a distance. You should tell DH that you understand his frustration but drinking and taking it out on you will not change anything. He needs to stand up to Mom and sister. Tell him if he does not stop the drinking and verbal abuse, you will leave.
Zigster15711 Dec 20, 2023
Thanks for this. It's been a crash course in sorting all kinds of things. Thankfully, husband and sensible brother dealt with PoA and Enduring Guardianship a year ago (after some nudging) . I will pass on your points about differentiating between POA and being a caretaker--giving him information from others who have more knowledge and experience of all this than we do helps a lot as it's not just my opinion. He used the feedback from this forum already to good result yesterday so I'm very grateful. Also, he did tell sister what you suggest, just not so politely 😬 and her response was even less polite. Her agenda seems to be to simply fracture family relationships-- there's no real concern for the mother from her. I think he's seeing that a bit more calmly now. Thanks again,.
Llamalover47 Dec 24, 2023
Zigster15711: Perhaps you and your DH (Dear Husband) SHOULD exit the country and leave them to it. Good luck.
Zigster15711 Dec 26, 2023
Thanks -- a little luck needed. Will sort the mess first as best as possible and then onward ho.
MargaretMcKen Dec 19, 2023
Ideas:
1) DH bans sister from visiting the Care Home. No need to have her stirring M up. Ban feckless B if it seems like he will also be a problem.
2) DH stops visiting every day. The normal advice is no visits for a week, even two, so that the facility becomes the new normal. M won’t be able to leave on her own, and this takes the pressure off DH to help her leave. Same for other POA Brother.
3) When and if DH feels that he has to visit, he insists that he and M leave her room and take part in an activity. DH talks to other people at the activity and makes M join in with talking to others. Show that she will have company, will probably be less lonely than in the past several months. If she won’t co-operate, he leaves.
4) Ask M where she wants to die. You have to die somewhere. What’s wrong with dying in a care home, where people are experienced in making it as easy as possible? If she wants to die in her house, how does she want it to be organised? The ‘that’s where you go to die’ line is about NOT DYING, not about it being a bad place for it. Make the reality that she is going to die a bit clearer. If she is religious, get a priest to visit.
5) Stop worrying about “she'll fall & end up in hospital”. Perhaps start talking about the fact that many many old people fall, even with carers on both sides of them. If DH is present, it doesn’t make him the ‘bad guy’.

I hope that others can add to this list. Best wishes for such a difficult situation.
Zigster15711 Dec 19, 2023
Thanks so much for the useful suggestions about how to work with the Care Home. It was so rushed getting her in there that we didn't really research best way to get her to acclimatise. (She has apparently made one friend already when on her own in there so I can see the sense in this.) Hubby hasn't been in a few days after sister's attempt to upset everyone so perhaps that should continue for a while, even if it feels wrong. Feckless brother wants to take mother out for lunch with his daughters, which I felt was a bad idea given situation. I think your comments support that. I will defo suggest again hubby talks to nurses at Care Home about their recommendations acclimatisation strategy and then brother about the lunch idea. Cheers-- much appreciated.
Beatty Dec 19, 2023
I love all the answers so far. Full of empathy, common sense & insight.

Nothing to add really but stay strong! Plan to outlive them all.. (that's my plan).

Maybe google Drama Triangle. All the players are here, the victim, the fixer, the persecutor.

Also google F.O.G. I'll find the links.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

https://outofthefog.website/
Zigster15711 Dec 19, 2023
Thanks very much -- I will definitely pass that on to my husband too.
DrBenshir Dec 24, 2023
Just reinforcing the obvious: problems siblings with no legal power are NOT allowed to take Mom out. Make that clear to administration and caregivers. Make it double clear that they have no legal power to make decisions, and husband wants to be informed if they upset her. Get everything organized, then you and your beloved restart your life together.
Zigster15711 Dec 26, 2023
Thank you! And it isn't so obvious when in the midst of it all, so it is really good to have the basics expressed so clearly. The troublesome siblings are just doing what they want and husband + sensible brother need to give clear instructions to care home. You put it very well and I will forward this to husband as he didn't express his wishes to the home very well. Thanks again.
strugglinson Dec 26, 2023
re: the estranged sister - it's amazing how one counterproductive family member can make a real mess out of things. As others have said, I'm assuming there is some dementia here, but yet your husband's mother can be impressionable to counterproductive words from certain people, and remember them. I hope for you and your husband that the situation can be corrected, the train put back on its rails as you intended.
Zigster15711 Dec 27, 2023
Thank you and your comment is spot on about the counterproductive stirrer. Good point about her being impressionable to the negative talk. I think the suggestions about asking the care home staff to try to correct / counter the negative talk or to respond constructively to the 'why am I here' question might be very helpful. Definitely worth trying.
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