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ThisIsNotMe Asked December 19, 2023

I have to save myself, but am I doing the right thing?

Unfortunately, my now-ex has STILL not found placement and I'm nearly at the end of my rope. I spent the week before last completing an application for a memory care facility for him, complete with healthcare and financial POA, and no word back yet. Losing hope on that one. And there's nothing else on the horizon.


 


My landlady checked in with me as to when we'll be out, and when I told her the lay of the land, she said she would hold out but will have to raise the rent starting January. I


 


I had the ex's car towed to a repair shop for a new battery so that we can sell it, only to discover the engine is shot. It would cost more than the car is even worth to replace it, so I had to go to ex's credit union, tell them about the car and stop the auto-pay on the car payment. Then have to have it towed back here and wait out the repossession process. Which will take months, apparently.


 


I applied to my credit union for a home loan and was miraculously approved. I don't know whether I can find anything in my price range, but all I can do is try. Rents are outrageous and if I'm going to pay that much, I want a home of my own that no one but the credit union can take away from me!


 


I called his daughter in another state and she immediately came up, mostly to support me, as she hasn't had the best relationship with her dad. She's helping to make calls to his social worker and hospice about finding some placement somewhere for him, and she's going to help me clear the house of his stuff. There is absolutely no chance she will take him in, so that's off the table.


 


At this point, I'm facing getting my own place, God willing, and moving out as soon as I'm able and if he's not placed yet ... I guess I'll have to call APS. I hate to do this, but I'm up against the wall now. I'm going to end up hospitalized myself if this doesn't end soon.


 


Ex now thinks there's "another girl" living in the house with us, and it's apparently me. He asks me if Gayle (me) came in late last night, or if she's staying somewhere else tonight. I tell him she's housesitting and that satisfies him. The other night he said, "Is Gayle looking after the cats again tonight?" I guess cat-sitting is part of Gayle's housesitting gig! I have no idea who he thinks I am.


 


He barely eats, except sweets, ice cream and crackers. He started sleeping during the day and staying up all night, then switched it back again. His mobility was already shot and is only getting worse because he's sitting or lying down whenever he's awake. He had diarrhea three nights running, but mostly managed it on his own although I had to clean the bathroom. His stomach is queasy and he vomits off and on. I leave his showers and shaves to the CNAs and sometimes he'll allow them to help him and sometimes not. He won't allow them or me to make meals for him. Hospice is concerned about his relentless weight loss.


 


I took on a second job for the holiday season, so am out some evenings. It's helping me to keep my sanity. I'm just trying to get over the hump of guilt at my increasing realization that I have to get out to save myself. I never thought it would take so long to get him into a bed somewhere safe, getting the care he needs. I never want to see or hear of him again once this is over, but I do feel for him as a human being. I don't want to move out and leave him, but I can't stay here endlessly paying higher rent and untangling all these problems he has. If push comes to shove, how do I live with myself if I have to walk away? How do I absolve myself of the guilt I know I'm going to feel? I was told leaving him to the state would be a terrible thing to do to him. But if that's the only way to keep my from being swallowed by a depression I'll never get out of, I have to. I think I've done the best that I can - it's not my fault there are no beds. What else can I do???

Dawn88 Mar 5, 2024
Gayle- Please post an update, lots of people here worried about you! I have a good feeling you bought a cozy bungalow, and have been busy moving.

I sent a letter/package to the Yountville VA Home nearby, asking them to provide the criteria they used to accept my Ex, yet categorized him as placement in SNF? When he is ambulatory, can eat, dress, bathe and toilet himself fine? WTF? I hope the Admissions Dept. enjoys the bomb I dropped on them....

I gave them copies of past year portal medical info, his current DX of Mild Cognitive (3 different doctors), and copies of Calif. State laws regarding placement of patients in facilities to not confuse "Dementia" with "Mild Cognitive."

I'm not morally or legally obligated to house him anyway, since we divorced in 1995! I expected maybe 3-5 months wait (per their website), NOT 27 months.

He has surgery tomorrow. I spent the past week taking him to Covid and lab tests, to two EKGs, 2 Pre-Op meetings, and to his Primary for his release for surgery.
I'm happy I get a day off since they are keeping him overnight.

I'm thinking and praying for you, Sistah!

Oedgar23 Mar 5, 2024
Hello. I had been thinking of you and hope your situation is better.

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Dawn88 Dec 24, 2023
I took my Ex (72) in when he was evicted from his condo in 2021 (for non payment), since he had no family left. His 2 brothers/1 sister all died from cancer within 3 years. He's a decorated Vietnam combat veteran, and I have been trying to get him placed in a VA facility for TWO YEARS. After being divorced/widowed 20 yrs, I now have to cook, clean, do dishes, keep him on a normal schedule, set up and drive him to Dr. appts, and do all the paperwork...it never stops! I have a big house to keep up. I haven't seen my friends for years. I'm getting CLOSE to him getting into a VA (Cal Vet) home, and I'm drained and exhausted. I lived alone 20 yrs, it was much easier to keep my home up without another person here!

I GET YOU. Remember...they are an EX HUSBAND for a reason! I felt sorry for his bad situation, and spent the last 2 years in both VA and civilian medical centers to get him diagnosed. The VA doctors made him medical Status 4 ("catastrophically disabled") just eliminate his VA medical co-pays? He is NOT "catastrophically disabled" whatsoever! Despite him doing most all his ADLs (ambulate, eat, dress, bathe, toilet himself), in California they have LAWS about "dementia vs mild cognitive impairment" for ALL senior care facilities. Somehow the dirty word "dementia" was written by one VA doctor somewhere, branding him to be accepted into a Cal Vet SNF? The VA did a CT Scan in 2022, saying "No Alz, PD, Vascular, tumor, or anuerisms." Yet they say he can only go into a SNF?? He is not bedridden, in a wheelchair, incontinent, does his laundry, drives, eats and even prepares simple foods. All he "needs" is med reminders, transportation and his bills paid, which I already do. He sold his junk car and can't afford another one.

The civilian PCP and Endocrinologist discovered (with a battery of tests) he had a bad parathyroid gland, dumping excess calcium into his blood, causing kidney disease, osteoporosis, lethargy, weakness and irritability! He has surgery scheduled next month to remove the bad parathyroid gland and cure his excess calcium problem. He has only $1800 Social Security and no VA as income. He can't afford AL in California at their sky high prices. Renting a room in a house here runs $1600, without food, transportation or utilities!

I still have to get him a place to live...other than my home! He tends to be a stubborn handful, why I divorced him. I only expected a 3 month wait, yet a CalVet SNF has 5 YEAR wait??? I may have to sell my home to get him out of here, which is not fair to me at all.

He was forced to go to Vietnam in 1969, or go to jail. They don't help the vets at all, especially the COMBAT VETS. The VA medical is terrible, compared to Medicare civilian doctors!! I have seen the difference myself the past 2 years, and stunned how bad it really is. I'm an Army Brat, with my Dad a Colonel. Both my parents are in Arlington. I grew up in the military.

I have my own health issues (hypertension) to deal with. My retirement has been ruined by stepping up for someone who had nobody. I know what you are going thru! We both have big hearts....or are FOOLS. I will feel NO GUILT getting him into a CalVet home. I've done the right thing, and 2 years is my limit. I'm turning 70 this week, and have my own plans for the rest of my life....including making sure nobody gets burdened by me later on.

I'm sick of being patient and waiting for CalVet to also DO THE RIGHT THING. I may get a lawyer next, since I have printed out 2 Board Certified doctor's DXs, ruling out "dementia diseases" and saying "Mild Cognitive Impairment" is what he has been diagnosed, after a full year of extreme tests. MCI will put him on a 3 month wait list for AL, not 5 YEARS.

Just want you to know someone else GETS IT.
Our karma will return good things to us, for stepping up.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 25, 2023
Oh, Dawn. Cripes. I don't even have words to express my condolences to you! I hope you don't lose your own house in all this mess - that would be the most outrageous injustice yet. People ask me if my ex is a vet, and I used to wish he was, thinking it might get him placed more quickly, but that may not be the case at all! What you've gone through - out of the goodness of your heart - is heartbreaking. My ex has been eligible for a nursing home since August and nothing - I can't imagine waiting TWO YEARS. I'd never make it. I'm at the end of my rope as it is. I'll say this, if I had divorced him while he was still in his right mind, was driving and had his mobility, there's nothing in the world that could have brought me back to take care of him later. You're a kinder person than I am! But since I did wait, and because I feel crummy jumping ship before he's placed, here I am. If you can hold onto your home, and get him out, then that's the best! I'm uncertain I'll be able to afford a house that's not a depressing, falling-down "fixer-upper" which I have no money and no skill to fix up! All I can do is hope. I have no idea when or IF there will ever be any open beds in this bloody state, which is why I'm trying to psych myself up to leave him as a ward of the state. It's absolutely horrendous that people who have zero obligation (and zero willingness) have to step up and take care of business for people who will otherwise fall through the cracks. I just turned 63 a couple of days ago. I like to think I still have time for a different kind of life. It looks like we'll both just have to do what we have to do if we hope to use the time we have left for ourselves. I was thinking of getting an elder care lawyer involved in this situation, too. At this point, I will take all the help I can get, and is hospice isn't going to get him placed somewhere, somehow, then I have to just leave and let the chips fall where they may. I HATE all this. I've become a very bitter and exhausted person, and yep, I've reached my limit, too. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I guess we've both proven that, Dawn! I hope the very best for you, and that your long journey will be over very soon!
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Good question. I have a sister and brother in law in the midwest. My sister loves me, but she has problems of her own. BIL texts and calls on a regular basis and gives me advice about what to do with one issue or another. If it came to it, they would take me in but they live in a little apartment and I wouldn't want to out them out. So the short answer is: no one would look after me if I broke down from the stress. I would end up hospitalized, as my therapist has suggested a couple of times. Then I'd basically be a ward of the state, wouldn't I?! Wow, SamanthaJ. That question really says it all!

KNance72 Dec 20, 2023
You Are Running on Adrenaline And Burnt Out - your Heart is Big But you Have grown Empty . I do believe in miracles and I get a feeling This Chapter is over . move forward you Have been a Best friend to this Person . Take Care Of yourself And make yourself # 1 . BREATHE
ThisIsNotMe Dec 25, 2023
Thank you, KNance72. I so hope your feeling is right! I need this chapter to be over. It's too much and I'm running on fumes on this point. I'm trying to take care of myself - I've started taking long walks in a quiet place. And breathing!
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Duplicate post

JoAnn29 Dec 20, 2023
Hospice is worried about his weight loss, this does not make sense. He is dying. He is throwing up and has diarrhea and eats nothing good. Of course he is losing weight. The man is dehydrating and what is the Nurse doing about that. One reason he is "out of it". He is suppose to be kept comfortable. You may not have to worry about him much longer. His body maybe just shutting down.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
He's been given CNA support 5 days a week, and nurse visits twice weekly. He seems comfortable enough, never complains of any pain. We had to buy his new jeans because all of the old ones simply fall down. I know hospice is just letting things take their course, and they monitor his weight and the size of his upper arm, but I'm not directed to do anything about his appetite. Some days he sleeps 36 hours, other days he carries a load of laundry downstairs, then into the basement and does a load of wash. It's so bizarre. Thank you, JoAnn! It does look like things are shutting down, maybe slowly.
olddude Dec 20, 2023
It is mind boggling to me how the human body can be in such horrendous condition, but still will just not quit.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Olddude, that's just it! He's emotionally miserable because he can no longer do the things he's used to doing, and no ability to come and go as he pleases. He's literally bent to one side, creeps along in literally centimeters, can't pull his own blankets up over him, and is shrinking to skin and bones - and he used to be a bodybuilder. It's really horrifying. I hate this for him, and I'm afraid of ending up in the same condition some day. I'd rather call it quits before that point!
MeDolly Dec 20, 2023
You did not cause this and you cannot cure it. There is absolutely no reason to feel any guilt, you are doing everything you can.

I am so happy that you now have an option to purchase a home.

I wish you the very best, you've certainly earned this new opportunity.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Thank you, MeDolly! That means a lot to me. As he becomes more frail and confused, I'm feeling so badly for him. The other night he said he had been looking on the internet and found some affordable small houses and asked if I would share with him if he can't be placed. He saw the look on my face and said, "Well, I guess not!" I told him it was late (he always starts these conversations right before bed) and we'd talk about it another time. It's odd that he came up with that just when I was getting my loan approval. You're right - I've done enough, and none of this is my fault. He didn't prepare for this eventuality - I don't think a lot of people do - but he had years to try to set himself up and didn't. I can't be expected to sacrifice my life for his wellbeing. I just wish they'd place him!
Rebeca1 Dec 20, 2023
You're right it's not your fault and you've done the best you can. More than many people would do. Take care of yourself and pray for peace in your heart is my suggestion.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Thank you, Rebeca1! I know for a fact that the previous wife would have walked the minute he was diagnosed. Which might have been the wisest course after all. I'm trying to find that peace. I just wish this was all over ...
Rebeca1 Dec 20, 2023
You can still visit, you can still call, you're not abandoning him. Get that out of your head. You can't live your life like this or else why be divorced?
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
I just feel I'm abandoning him by getting my own place and leaving the state to come in and take him somewhere. I was hoping he'd be properly placed in a facility. But there's nothing I can do. Wherever I end up, I can't take him with me. I'm just done.
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 19, 2023
Oh my gosh, you have bent over backwards, jumped through hoops and done back flips for your EX husband. Lady, I can’t even wrap my head around this scenario.

Certain doors that have been closed, shouldn’t be opened up again. I am sure that you have learned this lesson the hard way.

I am not heartless. We can care about all people as human beings but everyone should have limits regarding their relationships with others.

You’ve paid your dues and then some. You don’t owe this guy a single thing. You’re no longer married to him and even if you were, you still wouldn’t owe him more than you have to give.

I have heard people say, “Give until it hurts.” I don’t see any value in this. I did that as a caregiver for my mom and it nearly killed me. I am really sorry that I too had to learn this lesson the hard way. I can’t ever get those years back.

I am thrilled that you are ending this vicious cycle. Allow others to care for your ex.

Take time to heal and move forward in your life. You owe this to yourself. Plan a vacation and pamper yourself!

Wishing you all the best!
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Thank you, NeedHelp! I'm sorry you had this kind of experience with your mother. Are things better for you now? Definitely agree with you that giving til it hurts is just so much hogwash. Even though I've wanted to leave him for a decade, when he started this decline in fall 2022, I thought he'd be long gone by spring. I was willing to stick by him to the end, but the end is still some ways off, it seems to me. I can't take the pressure anymore. If the only way he can be placed is for me to move out, then them's the breaks. If I do buy a house, there will be no money for a vacation but you know what? Just being at peace and on my own will be a vacation, really! :-)
lealonnie1 Dec 19, 2023
You divorced your husband for a reason, which means you are no longer beholden to him. He suffers from dementia which is why a memory care facility is being sought for him.....he cannot change his behavior and you are not "enabling" it! Your husband is a very ill man and not even realizing WHO you are at this point. Meaning his dementia has reached the stage where he's not even aware of WHAT is going on. Don't think his mind is working as yours is.....that he'll freak out if you're gone....he probably won't even REALIZE IT.

Leave now and move on with your life before you're too sick to do so. You've done all you can for this man who now needs APS to admit him to the hospital until they can place him, like Barb said. He'll be well cared for and not making anyone else sick as a result of being there. The staff has no history with him and no emotional attachment to him, he's just another patient to care for. Which is fine. He won't know the difference.

This is The Right Thing to do. Nobody expects you to lay down your life for the man you never loved and divorced. It's your turn to live now. Get busy doing so.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Thank you, lealonnie1! It was my landlady who told me not to let the state take over because he'd end up somewhere terrible. It's all good for her to say so, but if I can't get him out of her house in a timely manner to suit her, what choice do I have?! I don't blame her for wanting to unload the place, but her opinion didn't make me feel any better for having to do what I have to do. You're right, though ... as time goes on he's more and more confused, although he does have times when he's totally with it. I guess that's the way Lewy Body works. It's going to get uglier before it gets better, but I'll have to just bite the bullet. You're right, it's my turn to live (he had a very good life for many years before he met me and did pretty much as he pleased) - and I have to just do it. Thanks again!
Grandma1954 Dec 19, 2023
Have you asked Hospice Social Worker to help you find a facility for him?
And while on Hospice he can be placed on Respite Care for about a week. Please use that time to get a break.
Allowing him to become a Ward of the State and to have a Guardian appointed is not the dire situation that many visualize it to be. He would be in a facility with staff that will see to his care.

I don't know if I asked but is he a Veteran? If so the VA may be of help. (Contact Veterans Assistance Commission to determine if he qualifies for any benefits)
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Hello, Grandma1954. Hospice has been trying to find him a residential bed since August. They're nothing to be had in the whole state. This memory care unit suddenly came up and I got all the paperwork in, but have heard nothing. The hospice social worker says they're doing their best. There's one place that's "interested" in my ex, but he's not yet at the level of decline they need to see to take him. I never imagined it would be so hard to find placement! When we first talked about it, I was told to be ready to take him anywhere in the state in a matter of days after a facility accepted him. It's been such a long, frustrating process and the last resort is to let APS take over. The psych nurse monitoring my anti-dpressant/anti-anxiety meds said he's going to speak to the social worker at his practice to see what can be done on that end since this whole thing is dragging me toward being hospitalized myself. Hoping they can help! Ex is not a vet, so no help there. Unless the memory unit takes him soon, it will have to be APS. It's really scary that there are so few beds available. You have to wonder what in hell people are supposed to do in these situations. I know that mine isn't as bad as many others.
AlvaDeer Dec 19, 2023
I think you are moving toward moving out.
I think that's a good idea.
I would contact an elder law attorney about options and choices.
As you can see, he will do nothing about all this. That much is clear now to you.

As to guilt, I think that is utter nonsense.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix this.
You currently are stuck and enmeshed and you are enabling his behavior. Why would he ever think to change? He's perfectly happy with things as they are.

It is grief you feel, the other g-word. But if your choice is to go down with his ship, to martyr yourself to his bad choices, then that will have to be your choice.
You are a grownup and must make your own choices for your own life.

I think you are excusing your behavior in staying by he "needs you". I think there is a lot of fear in moving out and moving on. How could there not be? But I think you will find after time, moving out and moving on day at a time, that you will begin to feel better about yourself and about life in general. The saddest thing is that he may be a good deal better without you. Currently he has to make no changes himself. And if you're leaving, that's about to change.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck. It will take ENORMOUS courage to move out on your own. Often the miserable daily habitual path is so much easier. So if you make it out that door stop by giving yourself a good deep breath and a huge pat on the back.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Oh, Alva! You've got some insight there! Yes, part of this whole situation is you prefer the devil you know to the one you don't. It's scary to be on my own again - I was single for 12 years between my two marriages, so you'd think it wouldn't be so frightening. But with the way the economy is, it's worrying to be on your own. Life has been absolute misery here, but I've managed to carve out some peace - like sitting in my cozy recline with a blanket and the electric fireplace and watching TV and dozing once he's out of the way. Or mornings long before he gets up all to myself having my coffee and reading, or just watching birds at the feeder! Packing up, moving out, living alone, all the bills that I'll have to keep on top of. Yeah, it's scary and that's part of it. But like you said, I'm moving out and moving on. Can't go back now. And I do know that, with his social nature, he'd be better off somewhere with other people, and new faces. I've started a new life before, and I know that, as you said, things get better day by day once you step out on the path. That's a good idea about the elder care lawyer - I did consult one when I had to get the POAs and she said I could call her any time. So I will. Thank you again for all your encouragement!
Beatty Dec 19, 2023
"how do I live with myself if I have to walk away?"

That will depend on what you tell yourself.

I could have.. I should be.. I must..
Or
I did all I could.

Where are your thoughts up to now?
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Hi, Beatty. I think I'm almost at "I did all I could". Because I COULD take him with me, I suppose, but the very idea just makes me feel like I've falling down a bottomless pit! I CAN'T take him with me and keep my sanity. I can't continue to function living his life and mine, it's just too much. I've done all I could given my resources. And the fact that he has none to speak of. His own children won't put themselves out for him, and I've learned a lot I didn't know about him when his daughter came to visit. She's very kind to him, and wants to help me, but given what she's told me about her childhood and how he treated her mother, I don't blame her one bit for keeping her help to a minimum. Thank you, Beatty, I see what you mean.
BarbBrooklyn Dec 19, 2023
You are going to leave.

APS will simply have to have him admitted to a hospital until a bed is found. Not your problem.
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
Sigh ... yes, you're right. It really isn't my problem. I guess I feel so badly for him just because I know him. If I saw him somewhere, in a facility, I'd think, "Poor old guy. That's too bad." And then go on with my day. Everyone has a story, it's just that I know his. I'm trying to cut cords. I let the CNA do his shower and other stuff. I took that second seasonal job and just go when I have to even though it's leaving him alone for another 4-5 hours on any day I'm scheduled to work there. When he was staying up all night, I just let him be and went to bed. Each time I let go of something to do with him, it feels more and more distant. Which will be a good thing when I do leave. I guess it really is as simple as you've made it, Barb. Thank you!
Fawnby Dec 19, 2023
Soon you’ll be looking for a home of your own! That’s something to look forward to and means happier days for you. Keep reminding yourself of that - it’s only a matter of time now.

A home of your own, no matter how small, is better than what you now endure.

Congratulations on your progress!
ThisIsNotMe Dec 20, 2023
That's right! I don't care how small it is! It's just me and my rabbits and we don't need much. I'll be happy to get into my own bed under my own roof and have no responsibility for anyone other than myself and them. Hopefully I can find something decent in my price range and put all this behind me. Thank your for your response and the congratulations!
SamanthaJ Dec 19, 2023
One question
who’s going to look after you when you break from the stress of this situation?

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