For those of you with parents in nursing homes etc., how do handle picking them up for the day and they are still continuing to be negative?

FB, it seems to me that you are clinging to some fantasy of a "normal" family. One with loving, uncomplicated family members who love and respect each other

That's not the hand you've been dealt.

Your father has been abusive to his womenfolk your whole life. No behavior change of YOURS is going to alter that reality.

It would be lovely if the church folk saw your dad for who and what he is (and maybe some do) but their opinion isn't worth a hill of beans, is it?

Whose opinion and respect means something to you?

Yours? God's? Your friends'?

It depends when you choose you have had enough. Besides negativity it could be incontinence while travelling, or frequent falls when the person weighs more than you and you are alone.
For me, it was no more Christmases when I had to pick up, cook, and host. From then on, it was visiting only. Again, you choose when to stop.

Your trying to be a good daughter, why? Your profile says this man was abusive to Mom and you and your relationship has always been strained. He was never a kind loving father to you so why should you try and be a loving daughter. You know that Honor thing goes both ways. Stop taking his abuse. He is now safe in his facility. He just needs to eat what they provide. I am sure the facility has holiday celebrations. They probably had entertainment. Some Church probably comes in and has services. I would do nothing for him. What goes around comes around. This is his come around. He does not deserve a "good" daughter.

I would have a nice sit down with him after the holiday and tell him what he does to you is abuse and he has done it to u and Mom since you can remember. You have tried to be a "good" daughter but seems its not being appreciated because he treats you like a dog and your not putting up with it anymore. You are taking a vacation from him. He is safe where he is. He has 3 meals a day and staff to help him. Activities to join into. Its all up to him. He can continue to be a miserable negative man and die lonely or appreciate what he has and a daughter who is willing to help his miserable a**.

Take that small meal to him and tell him you will not be picking him up. You are going to spend a quiet Christmas at home. You do not need his negativity and abuse on Christ's birthday. Say Merry Christmas and walk out. He needs to learn, even at this age, that he can't treat people the way he does. Your first post was in August. I think u have done enough. My Dad was a Curmudgeon but he knew the word Thank you.

Have you tried telling your dad before you agree to pick him up that you won't tolerate any more negative behavior on his part as you want to just enjoy your time together, and if he can't oblige then he will just have to stay at his nursing facility?
You deserve to be able to enjoy the holidays without dads negativity, so if that means leaving him at the facility, then so be it.
And if he agrees to try to be nicer and later starts in with his negativity, just pack his things back up and bring him back to his facility, as you need to set some healthy boundaries. Perhaps he'll eventually get the picture if you stick to your guns.
Best wishes and Merry Christmas!

@funkygrandma59,
I told him today that I would not tolerate him talking to me like a dog and as he always does, he turned it back on me by trying to say I talk to him wrong. The holidays are supposed to be happy. If he does this tomorrow, I will tell him that I'm taking him back. I'm not getting any younger myself ( 54) and I want to enjoy every moment.

Stop jumping thru hoops to try and please an angry, miserable man that chooses to treat you like garbage. You deserve so much better. I sincerely hope you stick to your guns when you say, "If he does this tomorrow, I will tell him that I'm taking him back" to the SNF. There is only one way to treat a bully.....by standing up for YOURSELF and doing what you say you'll do. He'll be shocked, of course, but he'll finally learn you mean business. We teach people how to treat us. Teach HIM how NOT to treat YOU!

Merry Christmas Eve FB! 😍

At some point YOU decide that it is more than you can handle.
It is possible that taking him out of his "element", the place where he is comfortable he gets stressed.
So your holiday with dad is celebrated when you chose to.
If you want to celebrate the day of. you go a bit early and have a VISIT. Just make it like any other day.
Adding a lot of other people is just more confusing. It is a lot to process and if a person with dementia is trying to "cover up" or "showtime" the more people, the more time that they have to "act" results in more stress and that leads to anger, outbursts, and sometimes violence. (not intended but out of frustration)
If you want to celebrate the day before or the day after that is fine as well.
One of the things that hit me when I was caring for my Husband is that there are NO holidays anymore. A day, is a day, is a day. I got up at the same time did the same routine day after day after day. He had no clue that it was a "different" day.

So bottom line is there is no more "normal" give up the notion of the Hallmark Holiday and the Hallmark Family

I am beginning to think that almost no one speaks "honestly" to a person.
I am uncertain, given all the woes this man has for you, why you would attempt to spend this time with him.
But I support your choices, as an adult.
I must assume when you have had enough you will step enabling his bad behavior by letting it rule your life and reactions.

I am hoping you have a happy holiday, Faithful. I have good feeling about your deciding for yourself whether to include your Dad in your holiday joy. You have waited for a long time for your dad to be "someone else". It looks like that won't happen. He's the same guy you already know so well.

Start visiting him in the facility and avoid bringing him home to ruin your holidays. Some people can shrug off the bad behaviors parents dish out and others have a hard time regrouping after one of these tongue lashings. My dad didn't have dementia but I got tired of going to his home on holidays with the new stepfamily where he compared me to his stepdaughters. He acted like these were the best daughters ever. It got to the point that visits were down to twice a year or maybe three or four times if I was feeling generous. These visits were done on a quarterly basis. A month before he died, I had him over to my apartment because his wife and stepdaughter had appointments. He told the truth for a change and said that he was living in a house full of nuts. I couldn't say anything because these are the people he left his family for and no one knew where he was except for his second bio son who went to visit.

I'm one for saying do what makes you comfortable. There is no need to bring up or even remind a parent that if they don't treat you with respect, you won't be picking them up. All they will do is try to twist it around on you.

Bring some peace in your life and stop catering to someone whose brain is broken and they will not remember what you said anyway.

Wishing you and your family a very peaceful holiday.

FB, just for comparison's sake:

My mom was an easy person. We had a decent relationship. Once she needed nursing home level care (vascular Dementia, broken hip repair, incontinent), I NEVER took her out of the NH without medical transport and a hired aide, and then only for medical appointments.

You do not "owe" your father entertainment and outings. I used to wheel mom around the NH grounds in good weather, around the various wings of the home in the winter, read to her and caught her up on family and neighborhood news. I brought her a sweet (usually chocolate) treat and good coffee.

That was the norm for visits from my brothers, sisters in law and me.

You have expectations that are unrealistic, for dad, you and his circumstances.