Rbuser1 Asked December 27, 2023

Am I selfish for moving my mom's bed to a bedroom and out of the living room? She is able to walk with walker.

She can also get things out of the cabinets and refrigerator but is used to me doing it or saying 'can I have _______.'

My home is small and this isn't a nursing home. She is able to come into the living room and take her meds and eat in the living room.

She seems to get worse when she is told to do small things herself.

By the way, she plans on this continuing when she moves back up to her house.

No in home care probably after this week except for someone coming in the give me respite.

Y'all know my story. She is impossible to talk to.

She keeps wanting me to look here at something my cat does or whatever, but when I ask her if she wants supper, she needs to know what we've got to eat.

When no one comes in will she just give up altogether?

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Uhm, NO!
And when she moves home please set some boundaries about how much and how often you will help her.

Helpful Answer (9)

Are you selfish? Absolutely not.

There is a book called "Boundaries", and the author comments that when you put up boundaries when you haven't had them before, expect the other party to have a temper tantrum. (Paraphrasing...I can't remember his exact words, but close enough).

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (9)

Yes....the wonderful Henry Cloud wrote that book! It is one of my faves of his, along with Necessary Endings. A favorite phrase of mine around boundaries is: "The only people who push back on your boundary are those who prefer you didn't have any." Truth.

(0)

Not sure why you are attempting this 24/7 care in your own home and asking us where it is OK to put her bed. If she doesn't like where her bed is perhaps she would prefer placement and her own room there.

It is up to you what rules you make. Don't expect her to be happy about it. Old age and preparing to die isn't all that happy a time over all.

The rules are yours to make, but you are going to need to give up expectations of happiness around them. Won't happen.

Helpful Answer (8)

So right that the whole old age/preparing to die thing is no fun--for anyone involved! It is what it is, so we have to try to make the best of a not happy situation.

(6)

No you are not selfish.
Getting old makes people unhappy , understandably .
Some try to make the best of it .
But some are downright miserable . And some expect a servant to make it up to them . But often we find out nothing you do will make them happy .
You didn’t make her old , you can’t fix old .

Helpful Answer (8)

Why is she living with you? How will you get her out?

This isn’t working well, and she won’t get better, so start thinking about your long-term plan to find someplace else where she’ll have friends, entertainment, fun and caregivers to hop to attention.

Good luck.

Helpful Answer (8)

Where do you get the selfish thought process from? It is your home, you need to have boundaries, what you do and when.

Don't quite understand why she is not in a facility where she can get 24/7 care.

Work on your boundaries, now is the time, she will continue to get worse and more needy.

Helpful Answer (7)

Whaa?

Is someone telling you this selfish?

Or is this disordered thinking, leftover from a lifetime of abuse?

Helpful Answer (7)

It is, verbal abuse. I'm going to study that disordered thinking theory.

(1)

Your post is about ‘talking’. “She seems to get worse when she is told to do small things herself.” ...”She is impossible to talk to”. Stop telling her what to do. Instead, just stop doing it for her. She does it herself, or it doesn’t happen. You do what you want. If you are cook, she eats what she is given. If you want the bed moved, it gets moved. It’s your house, you don’t need her permission.

You say “she plans on this continuing when she moves back up to her house”. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. The usual result is a meltdown, then a time when she “just gives up altogether”, then when that doesn’t work and you don’t rush in to rescue, you can have a more sensible discussion about care. Particularly who does it, and where.

You have no obligation to do what you are told. Find your backbone!

Helpful Answer (7)