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jsj23508 Asked December 29, 2023

Delusion or manipulation?

I'm interested to know if others have had this experience or if anyone has advice about how to handle it. The short version is that my mother has been bed-bound since mid-August but is now claiming that:


1. She's ready to go home.


2. The she has been walking around her room, sitting on the edge of the bed, etc.


I'm sure 1 is true! Of course she wants to go home. The problem with #2 is  she lacks the muscle strength and mobility to sit herself up in bed, let alone go for a walk. Let's not even forget the complications of doing so with a catheter!


I'm at a total loss for how to respond to her claims.


Do I try to explain reality? You have congestive heart failure, can barely move your right leg, and can't move your body around the bed.


Do I lean into the delusion? Wow! I had no idea you were able to do that. I guess we should make a plan for your going home.


Secondarily, I'm concerned that she may actually believe she is doing these things. If she doesn't, then she's just lying to me? Neither option is great!


I know I said that was the short story. TRUST ME! That's definitely the short version.


Anyway, I'd appreciate any insight or advice.


Thanks,


jsj

jsj23508 Dec 31, 2023
Thanks for all the helpful insight! I'm so glad you all are here!!!

Happy New Years everyone!

lealonnie1 Dec 29, 2023
My mother was in her 90s, suffering from dementia and CHF, wheelchair bound 100%, and telling me stories about how she would go for walks around the memory care AL grounds nightly. It's not lying, or manipulation either, but confabulation.

Confabulation is a type of memory error in which gaps in a person's memory are unconsciously filled with fabricated, misinterpreted, or distorted information. When someone confabulates, they are confusing things they have imagined with real memories.

There's nothing to be "concerned" about here because your mother is displaying normal symptoms of Alzheimer's/dementia. Wanting to go home is also classic dementia talk and represents a place in time more so than a brick and mortar building, most often. As they regress in time mentally, they want to go back to a childhood home representing an easier, safer time of life.

Just nod your head and smile when mom tells you how she's walking around, tell her you're glad to hear it. Then change the subject.

I suggest you get a copy of Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mom now. She also has a 32 pg booklet you can download free online, by the same name.

Best of luck.
jsj23508 Dec 31, 2023
Thank you so much for your detailed and supportive response. It really helps!

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MargaretMcKen Dec 29, 2023
Hi! I’m sure she wishes that she was doing what she claims. “Lying to me” is a bit harsh – think of it as an attempt at persuasion. At least she knows that it would be good (and persuasive) if she could manage to do those things.

‘How to react’ depends a bit on how SHE reacts. If you get realistic, does it lead to a meltdown? If so, just ignore her comments, redirect the conversation etc. If she just acts like you haven’t understood, that’s where ‘when the doctor says so’ is a logical response.

Talking about home may meet some of her needs. Ask her what she would/will do, if/when she goes home. Ask what she particularly misses. Show her pictures. She may enjoy going there in her imagination. It may be nicer than ‘no’.
jsj23508 Dec 31, 2023
I like those ideas for redirection. Thanks!
AlvaDeer Dec 29, 2023
Both Way and Geaton have good answers for you. I would not give false hope. Simply say that "as yet you aren't able to take care of yourself at home, yet, Mom." and move on to another subject. This will come up over and over. There is no reality based thinking going on. And you will not be able to use reality based argument in a mind that doesn't have a way to compute it anymore.
It's tough to hear, I know, but this is the way of it.
jsj23508 Dec 31, 2023
What a great point! If she's not thinking logically or realistically, all the logic and realism in the world won't sway her. Thanks!
Geaton777 Dec 29, 2023
We tell my bed-bound MIL that she can leave when she can demonstrate all her ADLS to her doctor. She gets grumpy but at least doesn't blame us.

My MIL will be in her bed, look me straight in the eye and tell me she can walk and in fact has been walking around a lot! When I ask her to please show me, get out of bed right now... she "sort of" tries and when she realizes she can't, gets a confused look on her face. Then I change the subject.
Geaton777 Dec 29, 2023
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waytomisery Dec 29, 2023
Just say “ you have to stay here until the doctor releases you” .
Many with dementia ask or say they are ready to go home . You can’t reason with them .

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