Keeping this short and sweet. I am 34-years-old, I have a history of drug addiction and spent 4 years in prison. Came home in 2019 and lived on my own for a bit until my family asked me to help with my ailing grandmother back home, 2 hours from where I was living.
So I moved in with my 74 year old grandmother who was slowly passing away from complications with Parkinson disease AND her mother (my granny) who was 93 at the time, march of 2021. My grandmother passed in June. Her mother is still alive and I am still caring for her in their home. She is 96 now. So coming up on 3 years of living here.
Her social security pays the rent and she has nothing left over from that. I pay the rest like household bills and SOME groceries. My mother who lives 5 minutes away takes care of most of the groceries and things like toilet paper and so on.
It has become a 24 hour job taking care of my 96 year old great grandmother. She had 2 injuries over the last year falling. Paper thin skin. Can barely walk anymore. So I know it's a matter of time. I quit my job back in July to be with her full-time.
My dilemma is the growing resentment I have for my family who mostly live right near me. All within 10 minutes are my parents, grandparents (remarried husband of aforementioned grandmother), another grandfather, a brother and his wife, an uncle and a few cousins, but mainly my mother who is the "queen bee" of the family.
My parents have all the money. My father owns a successful construction company in a resort town. They have a few million to spare, but that's no reason to expect hand outs. They taught us to work for a living and to not be screw ups, but those were my recently younger days. I've matured a lot watching my closest friend and grandmother waste away for 17 years. I missed 4 of them, but was lucky to be there for her last few years, too. A few months with her daily also. So anyway, recently looked up how much elderly care costs and the sacrifice I've made for my family over the laat 3 years. Just want to know I'm not insane.
It's wrong that my totally capable family doesn't help me financially at all right? Knowing my struggles and the things I've over come it just feels like I'm getting nothing EXCEPT very valuable time with my loved ones. Would rather have them home than in a nursing home. I'm rambling. Would love to hear from anyone who's seen something similair or lived it.
Thank you ❤️
19 Answers
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Secondly I must say that your great grandmother IS NOT your responsibility. PERIOD. End of conversation.
You either need to move out and get a real job where you'll be contributing to your future, or a contract needs to made up by a lawyer where you are paid todays wages for in home care and where taxes will be taken out accordingly.
You are being taken advantage of by the people that should be caring for your great grandmother, and if they can't do the hands on care, then she must be placed in the appropriate facility.
This decision you made to move in and help first your grandmother and now your great grandmother is going to hurt you in the long run. I hope you realize that and come the new year I hope you will make some wiser decisions about your future and where you go from here.
Days off
Vacation periods
Sick days
You’re worth it.
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and send them a certifified letter saying the following:
I have now taken care of (list their names) for the following amount of time (list the amount).
I have now to seek employment and housing of my own.
I tender my resignation from caregiving as of now. My last day living with Grandmother will be (insert date).
Then, whether you move on to a shelter or a room rented in someone else's job, you will seek employment available to you.
This may be made a bit difficult given your history of incarceration.
In applications provide proof that you have been living with and caring for relatives as you gave us.
Now, SHOULD YOU WISH TO CONTINUE with the care of grandmother you can say the following:
Should the family wish me to continue to care for grandmother I will require the following:
A visit with the POA for grandmother to an elder law attorney:
A care contract stipulating expectations of family in care,
respite hours to be expected and paid for,
and financial monthly remuneration in the sum of (insert the sum).
That's it. This care contract protects all involved.
Good luck. You have to start somewhere and that is the best way to do it.
Do seek out any social services available to you in terms of help via probation offficers, social workers and etc you may have had access to.
I surely wish you the very best and hope you will update us.
I would call it even-steven in your providing care in exchange for housing, as it is too late to seek recompense from that.
Your great grandmother is a big winner, however much you love her. Is she still legally competent? If she is, perhaps making a will leaving you her house could be the compensation that you need. You would need to get her ‘competence’ checked and documented as well as possible, if the rest of the family are likely to challenge the will. If she’s not legally competent, or she won’t change her will, that isn’t an option. Alternatively (or in addition) if she is competent she could agree a proper care contract that gives you the SS credits that you need. It can’t be backdated, but the rate of pay could be higher than usual to compensate for the years without pay – and the reason for the high rate noted in the contract.
If none of that works, your only lever with the rest of the family users is to quit, or threaten to quit. That’s going to be hard to accept, because of your love for GGM, but the threat has to be credible. Perhaps one way would be to take a trip/holiday, make arrangements for 24/7 carers to stand in for you, with their fall-back being contact details for 2 family members, and payment made by GGM. In two weeks, the chances are that something will go wrong and you will find that you are appreciated a bit more. When you come back, start off in a hotel for a couple of nights, let them know that you are back and are willing to return IF the arrangements can be made fairer.
At least these are a couple of ideas to try!
Its time for a Come To Jesus Meeting with the folks, imo. You either get PAID a GOOD and fair wage or you'll have no other choice but to resign. You can still visit GG and always pile love on her, even if you're not doing the hands on care for her anymore. Something tells me you will be though.......good caregivers are VERY hard to find. Stand up for yourself and don't be cowed! You deserve so much better.
I hate to say this, but family caregiving is so often a TRAP. It is time to thoughtfully extricate yourself from the trap. I took care of my wonderful late father for six years and was paid during that time (earning credits toward Social Security, etc.) and also inherited half of his estate, so, although it was very difficult, it wasn’t really a financial negative for me. You are not in that situation. I would imagine you will get exactly nothing when your grandmother passes away, except maybe a request from your parents to vacate the house so it can be readied for sale as soon as possible, right?
It’s time to move on — onward and upward!
All the best to you for the new year.
You deserve to be paid for taking care of your granny . It is a job that you are doing fulltime now ( and you quit your job outside the home to take care of granny fulltime ).
You could end up with no money and homeless when granny either dies or ends up in a nursing home .
Either demand to be paid or get out of this situation , find a new job , a roommate and an apartment .
Good luck .
You listened. Good.
What was the message? To look at your situation? Re-evaluate?
You are doing so. Good.
I'm thinking your past deal (let's call it a social contract) : care for elders for housing seemed to work for all sides.
The deal has become unbalanced..
your Granny is very frail, needs more care, you are giving more but you are not being compensated more.
It's a tricky spot to be in: the position of providing the CARE without having the POA/Authority to change things.
I'd try to steer clear of focus on how much money other family members have. That way can lead down a road of feeling like a Victim.
Tell yourself now.
YOU chose that previous deal. It was a good one at the time.
You WILL be able to better your current circumstances.
You are NOT a victim.
You DO have choices here.
It just may take a little time to uncover what your choices are.
PS Here's a starter seed of a plan.. what if you returned to work 2-3 days a week? For some income, maintaining skills & more socialising?
The POA will need to arrange replacement care for your work days. This is very reasonable change.
Have you asked your mom/POA for a weekly or monthly amount? Have you made a worksheet (however simple it may be) with monetary figures and calculations to demonstrate your worth and presented it to them? Made up an employment contract for what you think is fair?
I would do this first but have a contingency plan for when family members act shocked that you should be paid anything at all. lol
If you're unemployed now, then you're not contributing to expenses; is that correct? My opinion is that you shouldn't be contributing, and you should be getting a comparable caregiver's wage, but I'm just trying to see if I missed something.
If granny has no other assets besides her house, and her monthly income is below a certain amount, you could qualify to be paid through Medicaid for providing care. (Someone will correct me here if I'm wrong. Thank you.)
If she has assets, then they are to be used for her care... including paying someone/you to be her caregiver as needed.
Fwiw, I lived the unpaid family caregiver life for almost seven years. I think I know how emotionally conflicting a live-in situation can be where care is much needed for loved ones... but unless you are financially sound yourself and prepared for the worst-case scenarios, then you must get paid and have some work history you can put on a CV, etc.
Taking yourself out of the workforce has consequences. You probably realize this already, having been imprisoned. I am just concerned for you and your future. I don't know what kind of work you did or what you're qualified to do, but you should be getting paid, should claim taxes, and perhaps pursue training/education of some kind while being a full-time caregiver. (Just speaking of what I wish I would have done part-time during the caregiving years. I'm back in school now, but I could've done it during cg if I had the foresight.)
There has to be a plan, whatever it is. But there has to be one. Granny's caregiving needs could escalate beyond what you're able to provide. Granny could pass tomorrow, then what do you do? Will your family take you in while you get back to work and save up to get on your own again? Do you mind being in that situation, where you are reliant on your family's charity for your basic needs? Because you may very well be in that position at any time, right?
There are a lot of things to consider here, dear. I'm sure your granny wouldn't want you sacrificing well into the future after she's passed. I get it, that she's increasingly frail. Sometimes that stage can go on for so many years longer than loved ones would think possible. It's a very difficult situation you're in, but you have to look out for yourself here. You must be paid fairly, and be prepared for your granny's end of life.
**I rambled a lot about job/housing insecurity, etc. lol You asked for lived experiences... this was my first thought. I landed on my feet after unpaid caregiving time when I was your age, but it was through sheer luck, honestly. Look after yourself and plan for your future outside family caregiving. I hope you get paid a good wage, and granny lives another 20 years. But be prepared regardless, and that starts with getting a paying job. I hope your family sees the value in your caregiving and pays you a comparable wage. ❤️️