The food is just awful and my parents were fed solid meals 3 times a day before they went. Now water and food are left and nobody is making sure they even drink. Mom has had three falls and just now getting blood work after 6 months. Medicine has been stopped, changed or never started since they got there and I know its to her detriment. I ask questions and call out thev CNA' when they hurt mom either by accident or they just don't care. The owner of the facility I believe is a crook. She called the police during my last complaint and I wasn't even yelling or threatening anyone. So I don't trust anything that came from the emergency care conference after the police left. My two sisters were called in and have PA. My sisters sat there and did not support any of my concerns or questions. Its not about me me at all. It's about mom and dad not getting adequate carevthere and instead have this death sentence and I'm just so heart broken. Who gives a crap what my family thinks or anyone else about me. I will always speak up for my parents. Now granite I was a little gruff maybe when I told the CNA she was hurting my mom. Or when I got upset because they keep pinching and hurting with the wrong blood pressure cuff. Or how I made sure everyone knew she hadn't been eating and they weren't bothering to Say or do anything about it, and how I told two nurses that I didn't want to hear them say this is the best I can expect to see. That's bullsh*t. Do the tests, show me the numbers, and measure behaviors before and after and then we will talk about decline due to her illness and not because they are not doing what they should do. They even deny they are short staffed. It's awful. And I think they were just trying to make me look like the bad guy to avoid losing points from the state if we had complained. I cant talk to my sisters about it anymore. It's like they have accepted its the end for them. I don't care if they had three weeks left I would still be advocating for my parents. This is mostly about my mon for now. 75 pounds with dementia and 88 and dad 91 alsocwith dementia. I know these are their last days but I can't sit by when I know mom is thirsty and hungry (I go feed her and make sure she gets a drink before I put them to bed when I can). My sisters bith went back to work after saying itcwas more than they could do tovtake care of them and I completely get that... to a certain degree anyway. Now dad's sundowning is kicking in and they are not getting the right care. I would sell my home and theirs to get them what they need while they are still with us but I don't know what else to do? It's an honor to help them. I don't feel guilt at the moment I'm helpless, hurt, and misunderstood sure but I can handle that. It's their suffering and knowing this fast food for care methodoligy is killing them and still getting all their social security benefits each month. Why not use that money to pay for private care and the family pay for the rest? I can help some and my oldest brother and sister are sitting pretty in their retirement. Is the love for that dollar really the thing that drives the world really? There has to be other alternatives?
6 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
But don't expect them to miraculously start drinking water......which my mother REFUSED to do because it "made her pee". Nobody can force an elder to do anything they don't want to do, and with dementia, they tend to get VERY stubborn. And btw, most people's arms get pinched with blood pressure cuffs. Blame the cuff, not the person taking the reading!
I hear these stories over and over again. Basically, you are leaving your loved one's in the hands of college student's who are probably getting paid $12/hr. to be in charge of someone's life.
The ratio of patients/residence to health care professionals is nearly impossible for a CNA and/or RN to cover and not make mistakes.
I know it's a bygone era of people/family living close by and keeping the person at home which isn't always the case for a number of reasons.
America is a great country but honestly dog groomers and walkers are paid more than those who work in facilities. It's backbreaking work--the CNA's are overworked, underpaid and most places are short staffed.
Most people want to remain home; myself included with services brought in. Someone has to oversee everything to catch anything that needs catching--is your loved one clean, groomed, safe at night. They need to be protected.
Some family members honestly, don't know what to do or they simply cannot handle it and think they don't have a right to speak up. The old cliche, "there is always one" is sometimes all a loved one needs to speak up.
I wouldn't be complacent and just accept the situation. You are allowed to move your loved one's to another facility. You do NOT have to remain at the NH that your parents were sent to after a hospital discharge.
ADVERTISEMENT
I had requested my MIL's facility to simply not put her dessert on her tray until later (because that's all she was eating) and they said they were not allowed to do even this, because it is "withholding" food.
Do you know that paying privately hired aids 24/7 would eventually exceed the cost of a facility? several thousands of dollars every month and unsustainable for all except mult-millionaires. A facility is a "least bad" option for your LOs. At least they get some social exposure.
Respectfully, you are romanticizing in-home care because you've never done it. Please take to heart the advice given to you by those who have been there and done that. They are trying to spare you of disappointment, burnout and poverty.
My Mom had Dementia and would cry out when they did her B/P. It was not because she was pinched, it was because of the pressure. And when ask about tests, are u talking to the DON. You know you can take Mom to her own doctor. Its the facility doctor who orders tests.
Do you also realize that if you don't hold Financial and/or Medical Power of Attorney the staff does not even need to talk to you only ur sisters concerning your parents care. Not saying your concerns aren't important but you may be going about it all wrong. You get more done when ur nice to the staff. You don't accuse, you ask. Realize with Dementia an aide could have just given Mom water but Mom does not remember that.
You can override sisters' POAs by becoming your parents guardian but for 2 people that would be expensive. Then you can sell the houses and find a nice apartment for u all to live hiring aides. Because, you are going to have a hard time caring for two. It will be like caring for 2 toddlers. They need to be dressed, fed and diapers changed. Or, you can be a loving son, except what is and fill in where the aides seem to be falling short. And when it comes to Mom getting more tests to see where she is, she is 88 and no amt of testing is going to make her better. Her meds may have been stopped because they no longer help. Its what it is, no more can be done. Maybe Hospice should be called in so Mom will be kept comfortable and you have another pair of hands.
There comes a time when the poking and prodding actually causes the person anxiety. Its at that point you just stop it. They wanted to do a swallow test on my 89 yr old Dementia Mom who had closed her eyes a week before and refused to get out of bed. To do this test meant a transfer to the hospital, strange people, strange surroundings and poking and prodding. Nope, not putting Mom thru it. I had Hospice called in and she passed 6 days later. My DD an RN agreed with all my decisions. (Not being able to swallow is the first sign of the body shutting down)
And our children stand witness to this as they pass what should be carefree retirement years feeling guilty and angry.
You are correct. This is a very tough thing to witness.