All I can say is, even though you have chosen to care for your mom, if this situation becomes too difficult for you, you can walk away.
I am puzzled by your decision to leave your husband to care for a mother who abandoned you.
Do you expect your husband to be able to cope with this situation? You may end up losing your husband and you’ll be sorry that you left him.
I don’t understand how you justify the reason for doing this, is because of your love for God. There are many people who love and serve their God, but they don’t feel obligated to do the hands on care for their family members.
I hope this situation won’t become a nightmare for you. I wish you well.
Hi Megan, I took care of my Mother until she passed this year. At home, with no help except paid caregivers who came in a couple of times a week. Then she was on hospice for 6 months with caregivers coming to bathe her a couple of times a week and nurses who monitored her on opposite days from the aides.
Just so you know, there is no oppositional defiant disorder when dealing with the demented. Their brain is DYING and you never know which part will have enough energy to act up, at any time. It is up to the caregiver to adapt because they really aren't able to depending on how far along they are. I always suggest people who are dealing with a demented loved one look up Teepa Snow on YT. Her older videos are longer and more informative.
Sorry but you do not need to personally care for her. You can place her in a nice Memory care if she has the money or in Long-term care with Medicaid paying. I believe that you can help her placing her in a facility where she will be safe and cared for. Thats not abandoning her as she abandoned u. When we marry we cleve to our spouses. That family becomes #1. I cared for my Mom and for various reasons I placed her in an AL and she did well. I have a mantra that just popped in my head one day.
I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
Welcome to the forum, Megan. As you navigate caring for your mother always remember your husband is the most important person in your life, not your mother. Base your decisions accordingly.
Hi Hothouseflower, Clearly I need to clarify my initial post. I did not leave my husband this was a joint decision as I cared for both of his parents before they passed. The decision to care for my mother has nothing to do with trying to earn her love or anything remotely like that I dealt with those issues years ago. The to care for her came simply from my love for God and his directives to love his children. There are many many people who will disagree with my decision and that's okay. I sit in judgment of no one as I don't want anyone going through my closets... Lol. All that being said this is a much more difficult endeavor than I had expected. As a therapist and social worker for 30-plus years I have dealt with hundreds of people who have dementia in many settings, but what they say is true, it's different when it's a family member. I have been truly amazed that after all this time she can still push my buttons. And even though I'm a quote professional, and cognitively I know that her behavior is the result of her illness the defiant one in me is struggling with that concept... Lol
Hi chynuuk,welcome to the forum ! I to am caring for my mother with dementia ,she is 82 . I haven't really heard of oppositional difiant disorder , but I know what the words mean ,and I am guessing your mother can be a complete challenge ! Mine too ,sometimes I just want to rip my hair out , but she wouldn't notice or understand why so there ya go. I hope you feel comfortable here , I am pretty new too but the people are real with you and I appreciate that . Take care hang on and keep coming back ...lol 🙃
This journey with dementia is no joke! I totally feel ya about ripping out hair and my new favorite word is f&#k. Maybe you and I can try to help each other stay sane 😊
Hi Strugglinson, As much as I appreciate that vote of confidence, I have a feeling most folks here have the same knowledge base I do. I will say though that there needs to be far more truthful, intensive, specific education for people caring for others with dementia. I was involved in evaluating a caregiver's class with the Alzheimer's association and I was so disappointed in how basic and trivial the information being presented appeared to be. Personally I think all of us caregivers need to get together and design a caregiving seminar and methods for accessing resources and leave the researchers out of it... Lol
Please don't have your husband sit at home while you care for your biological Mother (I'm calling her that because all she mostly did was the biological part, not the actual Mothering part). You, your husband and sons are the priority, not that woman.
She made her priorities in life known early on, and it wasn't you.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. Please go back to your husband asap.
About Me I am a retired LPC/director of social work in long-term care. I am married and have two grown sons.
My mother successfully removed me from her life when I was 12 years old and about 4 years ago I got a call from my step sister telling me how ill her father was and about my mother's loss of memory. She asked me to come out and care for her father because she knew she couldn't do it and my mother would not as my mother is not a caregiver.
Long story short I have now been staying with my mother in California for 2 years while my husband sits at home without me.
*****************
Welcome Megan.
Can I ask why you'd leave your husband alone for 2 years now to care for a woman who "successfully removed you from her life when you were 12 years old?" She refuses to take care of her own husband, yet you've left your own life behind to care for her????
What in the world are you thinking Megan, leaving your husband behind for 2 years while you care for the woman who gave you birth?
Because you were abandoned by the woman who gave birth to you at a young and impressionable age, I can only guess that you're now trying to earn the love that you've so desperately wanted all these years from her.
Very sad, and it seldom if ever works out that way. Plus you now run the risk of losing your husband on top of it. Do you honestly think it will be worth it in the end? I'm just curious.
Welcome to the Forum. You can get an awful lot of advice going up to the timeline and looking under topics. You will find them alphabetized. You can also find questions by using the magnifying glass to search for keywords such as "anosognosia". Have you chosen to attempt in home care, Meagan? And if so for how long? Do you plan to continue this 24/7 care? Have you taken on POA for your Mom?
Hi AlvaDeer, You're certainly right about lots of responses... Lol. I I did consider home Care and in fact interviewed a few companies but the timing was wrong. Going forward it's likely that that will not be an option. And is a funny sidebar I misspelled my own name in my initial post I must be more stressed than I thought. My name is spelled Meghan... Lol.
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I am puzzled by your decision to leave your husband to care for a mother who abandoned you.
Do you expect your husband to be able to cope with this situation? You may end up losing your husband and you’ll be sorry that you left him.
I don’t understand how you justify the reason for doing this, is because of your love for God. There are many people who love and serve their God, but they don’t feel obligated to do the hands on care for their family members.
I hope this situation won’t become a nightmare for you. I wish you well.
With these diagnoses, you are looking at mom becoming unmanageable very soon.
As in she hits you. Starts a kitchen fire. Wanders away. Flings poop or poos in a planter. Screams at any aide you bring in.
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I took care of my Mother until she passed this year. At home, with no help except paid caregivers who came in a couple of times a week. Then she was on hospice for 6 months with caregivers coming to bathe her a couple of times a week and nurses who monitored her on opposite days from the aides.
Just so you know, there is no oppositional defiant disorder when dealing with the demented. Their brain is DYING and you never know which part will have enough energy to act up, at any time. It is up to the caregiver to adapt because they really aren't able to depending on how far along they are.
I always suggest people who are dealing with a demented loved one look up Teepa Snow on YT. Her older videos are longer and more informative.
I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
Clearly I need to clarify my initial post. I did not leave my husband this was a joint decision as I cared for both of his parents before they passed. The decision to care for my mother has nothing to do with trying to earn her love or anything remotely like that I dealt with those issues years ago.
The to care for her came simply from my love for God and his directives to love his children. There are many many people who will disagree with my decision and that's okay. I sit in judgment of no one as I don't want anyone going through my closets... Lol.
All that being said this is a much more difficult endeavor than I had expected. As a therapist and social worker for 30-plus years I have dealt with hundreds of people who have dementia in many settings, but what they say is true, it's different when it's a family member.
I have been truly amazed that after all this time she can still push my buttons. And even though I'm a quote professional, and cognitively I know that her behavior is the result of her illness the defiant one in me is struggling with that concept... Lol
I to am caring for my mother with dementia ,she is 82 .
I haven't really heard of oppositional difiant disorder , but I know what the words mean ,and I am guessing your mother can be a complete challenge !
Mine too ,sometimes I just want to rip my hair out , but she wouldn't notice or understand why so there ya go.
I hope you feel comfortable here , I am pretty new too but the people are real with you and I appreciate that .
Take care hang on and keep coming back ...lol 🙃
This journey with dementia is no joke! I totally feel ya about ripping out hair and my new favorite word is f&#k. Maybe you and I can try to help each other stay sane 😊
Shaking my head in disbelief.
Welcome! I see your professional experience. Please feel free to comment on the questions that you see come up - !
As much as I appreciate that vote of confidence, I have a feeling most folks here have the same knowledge base I do.
I will say though that there needs to be far more truthful, intensive, specific education for people caring for others with dementia.
I was involved in evaluating a caregiver's class with the Alzheimer's association and I was so disappointed in how basic and trivial the information being presented appeared to be.
Personally I think all of us caregivers need to get together and design a caregiving seminar and methods for accessing resources and leave the researchers out of it... Lol
Please don't have your husband sit at home while you care for your biological Mother (I'm calling her that because all she mostly did was the biological part, not the actual Mothering part). You, your husband and sons are the priority, not that woman.
She made her priorities in life known early on, and it wasn't you.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. Please go back to your husband asap.
About Me
I am a retired LPC/director of social work in long-term care. I am married and have two grown sons.
My mother successfully removed me from her life when I was 12 years old and about 4 years ago I got a call from my step sister telling me how ill her father was and about my mother's loss of memory. She asked me to come out and care for her father because she knew she couldn't do it and my mother would not as my mother is not a caregiver.
Long story short I have now been staying with my mother in California for 2 years while my husband sits at home without me.
*****************
Welcome Megan.
Can I ask why you'd leave your husband alone for 2 years now to care for a woman who "successfully removed you from her life when you were 12 years old?" She refuses to take care of her own husband, yet you've left your own life behind to care for her????
Because you were abandoned by the woman who gave birth to you at a young and impressionable age, I can only guess that you're now trying to earn the love that you've so desperately wanted all these years from her.
Very sad, and it seldom if ever works out that way. Plus you now run the risk of losing your husband on top of it. Do you honestly think it will be worth it in the end? I'm just curious.
You can get an awful lot of advice going up to the timeline and looking under topics. You will find them alphabetized.
You can also find questions by using the magnifying glass to search for keywords such as "anosognosia".
Have you chosen to attempt in home care, Meagan? And if so for how long?
Do you plan to continue this 24/7 care?
Have you taken on POA for your Mom?
Again, welcome and wishing you the best.
You're certainly right about lots of responses... Lol.
I I did consider home Care and in fact interviewed a few companies but the timing was wrong.
Going forward it's likely that that will not be an option.
And is a funny sidebar I misspelled my own name in my initial post I must be more stressed than I thought. My name is spelled Meghan... Lol.