How to deal with adult children who don’t share your opinion?

Have you applied for Medicaid for you husband?

As the Community Spouse, your income and assets are protected.

Have you consulted a Medicaid planner or Elder Law attorney?

You could compromise with your children. I don’t think they are intentionally trying to be unsupportive of you or your husband. They are being realistic by viewing what the future holds for you and your husband.

A compromise would be to say that you will consider looking at suitable facilities in your area.

This would show your children that you value their opinion and it would also give you peace of mind knowing that you will have options for your husband should he need to be placed in the future.

I'm sorry for all you are going through. However, I think you are missing what they are trying to tell you.

The reason why your daughters are not being supportive and helping you at home is because the burden is too great on them to continue to help care for both you and your husband at home.

If you and your husband choose to be at home, then you have to take the steps to be fully functional and responsible for you and your husband's care at home. If that means that you have to get a housekeeper, then by all means, get a housekeeper. If that means you need help with meals, then look toward the various agencies to help you provide meals. If you need someone to sit with your husband so that you can do errands, then by all means, get some home health care.

They are telling you that if you move to managed care, they are willing to come see him and you. However, they cannot help with the every day assistance any longer.

You ask a good question, where do you get the money. The first thing you should do is take stock of all your assets. Write them on a piece of paper. Then look for possible places that could care for you and your husband. You might have to go to a place that accepts Medicaid. Involve them in the search, show them the finances. Involve them in the search. Let them ask the facility questions also. Some of these place have long waiting lists. Your daughters need to know this also.

I'm sure they still care for you. They just don't want you to become totally dependent on them for your care.

Do you think he's depressed and maybe that's why he isn't making progress?

When the Go Fund Me money runs out... what is your plan? Are you thinking of quitting your job to care for him? Your daughter isn't obligated to help -- I think she sees it will be overwhelming and she gets to choose to do it. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role.

If he hasn't made much progress with all that therapy, it will only get worse over time.

I think your adult children have the right idea, but I agree that the financing needs to be figured out. Have you contacted social services to see if he qualifies for any in-home help?

Is he a veteran? If so, have you checked out the VA?

If your husband is of sound mind, I see no reason for him to be in a home. I would want him to get enough therapy that he can do things for himself. Even in a wheelchair he should be able to transfer himself. Is your home handicapped excessable? Can he easily transfer to the toilet? He needs to be as independent as possible thats what the OT is for. He needs to do the work. Two of my friends had amputations done and lived in their homes. My GF moved everything to her bottom cabinets for easier excess. You can put a commode over a toilet so you have the arms to help you lift up and the legs for stability. I would call the Dept of Disabilities to help you in helping to make ur husband as independent as possible. Maybe a ramp can be supplied.

It will depend on your finances, but Medicaid maybe able to help with an aide. Maybe even the Dept of Disabilities. I would not quit ur job. You need it for you and the hours are not bad. It may take a while for therapy to work. I really think its too soon to say he is ready for a NH. You need to tell your daughter "not at this point".

I doubt if you can expect help from your kids if it is not now forthcoming.
Can you tell me why your husband is needing the caregivers? Is it simply the matter of transfer to WC? With PT and OT help he may be able to be more self sufficient at home while you work? How is he with transferring with you, and how are you holding up physically?

It is time now to assess finances. Whether or not you own a home; whether or not you can take out a reverse mortgage for some home help and whether that is or is not a good idea. What funds you have given your social security together. Whether he could go into care on Medicaid. It is a time for an elder law attorney or someone else to help you access all that is available to you. I wonder if, tho they are unwilling to help with hands on care, if one of the kids can help with all of that.

I am so sorry. I don't know your age, but working full time has to be tough with all else.
An amputation for an otherwise healthy 72 year old should with good asssitive supplies still allow him a fairly active life without home care for a while.

I can't know your exact situation, but certainly do wish you luck. Call your local council on aging and get access to all the resources you can get. I hope you'll continue to update us.

As to the kids opinion, it doesn't figure in this. The question now is what can they do or will they do to help. Otherwise they should go away and be quiet.

Don't allow the difference of opinion between you and your daughter to come between you all.

Both my son and daughter have expressed to me their concern over the toll that being my mother's 24/7 caregiver is taking on me. Your daughters probably are feeling the same way as they watch you struggle with maintaining their father's care as his needs continue to increase.

My two young adult children would be fine if I decided to place my mother in a facility. My daughter especially feels that way and has said that if anything should happen to me, she isn't willing to take on the care of her grandmother. (I haven't asked her to.)

I don't vent to her or to my son. I don't ask or expect them to care for their grandmother because it's not their duty.

Does she love me? Yes! Does she love her grandmother? Yes! Do I feel some sort of way about her opinion? No!

So my advice on how to deal with your adult children? Love them, enjoy them and stop fretting about and judging their opinions. Realize that a difference of opinion does not necessarily translate into a lack of support. Be the mother that they need, mature, loving and kind and then get on with the care of your husband as you and he see fit.

It's OK to disagree. You & your adult children have different views based on where you stand.

Watching a situation is going to be very different to being IN the situation.

I like the phrase *Home for as long as possible*. It is a good aim. It includes the reality that care at home sometimes gets too hard. It sends a simple yet clear message to the concerned of your goal.

All options for care at home can be trialled before considering alternatives. So home services, maybe cleaning, meal service, other services to lighten YOUR load. Care staff to assist your husband while you are at work or running errands.

Having PT, OT & Nursing is ideal! To assess & advice the safest way for transfers + provide training for your husband, yourself & care staff for any equipment.

Working with a Physio towards solo transfers to wheelchair would be great. If not possible, work towards 1 x assist.

Regarding 'supportive'..
Sometimes it is hard to offer support when you don't agree.

I know my family discussing their goals has really helped me. I was worried about caregiver burnout - it certainly is real.

I see in the choices of life they have chosen Hardwork but Home over Heartbreaking Move.

I have another choosing High Risks at Home.

While I have come to respect they have their own choices to make, I will not offer physical assistance to sustain any unsafe situations.

I hope you can agree to disagree but still have love ❤️

I just wanted to say I am sorry for what you and your husband are going through. And sorry that your daughters are not being supportive. I don’t always agree 100% with my mom’s decisions around my father’s care but I always try to remind myself that she is his primary caregiver and lives with him. I visit them 2, 3, or more times per week but I try to support them both. Are your daughters worried that it is going to wear you out? Or that he isn’t getting enough support and needs more care? Have you explained your concerns and what do they say to that?

Your daughters may want to be sure that caretaking does not fall to them. Don't base your care plans on expecting them to offer hands-on help. If you can manage things yourself with the part time help you now have, carry on. If it gets to be too much, you might need an extra shift or two of help each week. Make your decisions based on what you are able to do yourself. Your household is yours and your husband's and it sounds like you are both mentally competatn to decide things for yourselves.. Your adult children don't need to agree with you.