Something(s) aren't right here. Find out what is going on. Who has legal authority ? oversees the finances. This is a good place to start or certainly consider.
what kind of lawyer ive called eldercare lawyers and they only do trust disputes or nursing home abuse. im struggling with finding one that handles elder abuse thats within families My dad lies and refuses to tell APS whats going on but my brother has sneakily taken power of a attorney and taken over all my dads finances and lies to my dad that I have access, It exhausting that my brother can make up any story he wants over and over now going on a full year
Grettlecakes: As you state in your profile that you are "part of the caregiving team," perhaps you are not seeing your parents as much as you would like. Without more information, it's hard to discern the crux of the matter.
If your parent is in a nursing home contact Alliance for better long term care & they will get you in to see them. This is the only agency that helped me when my sibling was blocking myself & my sons from seeing my dying mom with dementia.
If your parent is in your siblings home they can’t help & you’d have to get an attorney
You Have a few choices if you are In the same state . Ask Your sibling for mediation since there is conflict and you want to see your parents and the conflict resolved . Another step is asking the Police for a wellness check to Make sure they are still In their home . Next is call adult protective services and a social worker will go and visit your parents to see how they are . Get a social worker Involved and see if you can Visit or talk to them on the phone once a week . ( Also to document That you are trying to make contact ) Unfortunately in My Case my Father was taken from his home 3000 Miles away to California from Boston and even though I had POA and called the Police - My sister told the Police " they were going On a vacation to Hawaii " Then she told My son " he would be returned after Christmas 2022 " That never happened . Then My sister said " She was busy He would be back March 1 , 2023 " That never Happened and she told me " to come get him " I was told by APS to have a Police escort come with me In California . I did that they refused to let me see him . They Lied and got a restraining Order against Me . It has cost me a Lot of Money . The Police told me " To file for conservatorship " But a Lawyer in California said " he is a Massachusetts resident and Not to file in California " Then when I tried to file In Massachusetts I was told " he is a California resident " If you Live in the same state You can ask a Judge For a Doctors medical exam . That way you have another professional Involved . You do Have Options since I am 3000 Miles away and already spent $16,000 - No Lawyer In Massachusetts Can represent me In California and I do Not have another $10,000 to be in California . You do have Options - contact a meditation organization , Have the Police do a wellness check , contact APS , see if there is a law center to help you in elder abuse , get a social worker involved . What are your other siblings saying ? I find Most People really dont care unless money is involved .
This situation happened to my father and myself. It told me elders have no civil rights when they’re in a care home. I will write more later today. I’m at an appointment with this issue is so close to my heart, but I think it needs to be addressed.
Have you had any problems with your parent that may be behind this?
You may want to see your parent, but is this feeling mutual?
One of my siblings’ relationship with my parents was a source of incredible heartache for my parents. When they did get together, the “reunions” were a source of discomfort all around. Usually the motivation for that sibling was financial (begging for money, things, etc.) and the visits were negative, unpleasant and even at times emotionally excrutiating. At the end of my parents’ lives they begged to NOT be forced to get together.
In another scenario, perhaps your parent does not physically feel well and wants to avoid visitors. Please do not force a visit to someone who does not want to be visited.
If you have not had a good relationship with your parent - you know it yourself, don’t blame the messenger.
If you want to make contact that is stress-free for your parents, consider sending something nice instead, even a card or letter may help “melt the ice.”
Mostly, the PoA for each of your parents has the authority to protect them from others whose presence/influence is harmful or creates chaos. The PoA authority has to be active (meaning that the criteria stated in the PoA document is met, often this is at least 1 medical diagnosis of impairment/incapacity). Each parent hopefully has their own PoA assigned.
It is problematic for us on this forum to give advice to questions like yours since warring siblings is usually about:
- disagreement about the care of the elder - concerns over inheritance - power struggle - distrust of each other
If the sibling who is cloistering them is not their PoA (and no one is) then you can report the situation to APS or consult with an elder law attorney. Really, we can't give good guidance since if you're the one creating chaos you won't give us this tidbit of information. I'm not saying you are, but this is why we are asking for lots more info from you.
Another option is contact your government center (for the county in which your parents live) and request a family mediator to settle this issue.
If you aren't sure if this sibling is actually both of your parents PoA, please know that this sibling is not legally obligated to show you the document if they make this claim verbally. You will need to have a lawyer send a demand letter that proof be presented before a judge. Often this is enough expose whether they are PoA or not.
So sorry for these circumstances. I wish you success in working it out, without courts or lawyers.
Yes, more info. Is this sibling POA? Do they live with the parent? Or do they live with the sibling? What is the excuse you not being allowed to see them or call? Are you the only sibling this is being done to? If not, maybe all get together and hire a lawyer to see what ur rights are. Being POA, without good reason, does not give a person the right to ban children from seeing a parent.
When my daddy was in a home - I had POA and when I signed the contract I made sure that anyone could come and visit him but they could not take him out of the home. He was a big man 6'2" and willful. He complained about me he wanted to go home he was belligerent. So I told my siblings, friends, family - visit, take him a treat but he is not leaving the place to go to lunch, dinner, snack or a ride. I loved him and I loved my family and I wanted him to be safe and them to be safe. Hugs
If as you say in your profile you are "part of the caregiving team" yet you don't get to see them or call them, then in reality you're not part of the caregiving team right? I'm guessing(since you haven't given us much to go on here)that you WANT to be on the caregivers team, but one of your siblings isn't allowing it. Does that sibling have the POA's for your parents and that is why they're trying to keep you from them? Obviously there is WAY more to this story than what you've shared, and until you give us more to go on, I'm not sure how much help we can be for you.
In the interest if a BIT more information, this, from your profile.
"I am the eldest daughter in firstborn girl of 11 siblings Mother of two grown children and grandmother one 13-year-old boy . I'm part of the caregiving team of my mother and father who are still living both have dementia and other ailments. I love my family and do my best to assist in any way that I can of my parents ".
That's good information, but unfortunately we need more. Do your Mom and Dad live with this sibling who is trying to freeze you out? Or do they live with her? When you ask sibling the reason for her behavior, what does she tell you?
Generally in the Wars of the Siblings there is a history. We, if we are to be helpful, need to know a bit of the skermish history. Occasionally one sibling is "in charge" as in main in-home caregiver and POA. And another sibling seems overly argumentative and disruptive. This can lead the sibling in charge to forbid visits. That is just an example of reasons we see here.
Do please tell us a bit more about your situation. I am sorry you are enduring it, but can't be any help without knowing the cause.
10 Answers
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Call APS.
Something(s) aren't right here.
Find out what is going on.
Who has legal authority ? oversees the finances. This is a good place to start or certainly consider.
Gena / Touch Matters
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If your parent is in your siblings home they can’t help & you’d have to get an attorney
You may want to see your parent, but is this feeling mutual?
One of my siblings’ relationship with my parents was a source of incredible heartache for my parents. When they did get together, the “reunions” were a source of discomfort all around. Usually the motivation for that sibling was financial (begging for money, things, etc.) and the visits were negative, unpleasant and even at times emotionally excrutiating. At the end of my parents’ lives they begged to NOT be forced to get together.
In another scenario, perhaps your parent does not physically feel well and wants to avoid visitors. Please do not force a visit to someone who does not want to be visited.
If you have not had a good relationship with your parent - you know it yourself, don’t blame the messenger.
If you want to make contact that is stress-free for your parents, consider sending something nice instead, even a card or letter may help “melt the ice.”
It is problematic for us on this forum to give advice to questions like yours since warring siblings is usually about:
- disagreement about the care of the elder
- concerns over inheritance
- power struggle
- distrust of each other
If the sibling who is cloistering them is not their PoA (and no one is) then you can report the situation to APS or consult with an elder law attorney. Really, we can't give good guidance since if you're the one creating chaos you won't give us this tidbit of information. I'm not saying you are, but this is why we are asking for lots more info from you.
Another option is contact your government center (for the county in which your parents live) and request a family mediator to settle this issue.
If you aren't sure if this sibling is actually both of your parents PoA, please know that this sibling is not legally obligated to show you the document if they make this claim verbally. You will need to have a lawyer send a demand letter that proof be presented before a judge. Often this is enough expose whether they are PoA or not.
So sorry for these circumstances. I wish you success in working it out, without courts or lawyers.
With some POA s it’s a control issue and they think that piece of paper gives them the power to do whatever they want
I'm guessing(since you haven't given us much to go on here)that you WANT to be on the caregivers team, but one of your siblings isn't allowing it.
Does that sibling have the POA's for your parents and that is why they're trying to keep you from them?
Obviously there is WAY more to this story than what you've shared, and until you give us more to go on, I'm not sure how much help we can be for you.
"I am the eldest daughter in firstborn girl of 11 siblings Mother of two grown children and grandmother one 13-year-old boy . I'm part of the caregiving team of my mother and father who are still living both have dementia and other ailments. I love my family and do my best to assist in any way that I can of my parents ".
That's good information, but unfortunately we need more. Do your Mom and Dad live with this sibling who is trying to freeze you out? Or do they live with her?
When you ask sibling the reason for her behavior, what does she tell you?
Generally in the Wars of the Siblings there is a history.
We, if we are to be helpful, need to know a bit of the skermish history.
Occasionally one sibling is "in charge" as in main in-home caregiver and POA. And another sibling seems overly argumentative and disruptive. This can lead the sibling in charge to forbid visits.
That is just an example of reasons we see here.
Do please tell us a bit more about your situation. I am sorry you are enduring it, but can't be any help without knowing the cause.