My father has Cirrhosis of the liver and I have been trying to help him as much as possible after my mother passed away. Despite all my time and effort I have done he says things that make me feel terrible about myself, Such as I'm not there when he needs me or that nobody cares for him. I can spend all day and night with him literal hours upon hours with him and do things for him or even try to include him in things before he started getting worse. He was never the best to me when I was young, Emotionally abusive and sometimes physically. My brother was and still is his favorite child and he doesn't have anything to do with my father now because there is nothing in it for him.
I get hurt sometimes from the things he says and so I leave his home and I leave him alone.
Shold I just endure him downgrading me and stay over there?
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sorry to hear you going through this
I dont understand a couple of things
1) you mention " My brother was and still is his favorite child and he doesn't have anything to do with my father now because there is nothing in it for him."
ok, but , what is there in it for you ?
Are you trying to make up for lost years of bad relationship by helping him? If so , others can comment better, but rare that this will happen in this scenario
I can understand why you are helping. But you may need to reduce your time?
This is so sad. I am sorry for the loss of your mom.
Your profile says that you’re 30 and your father is 51. You’re so young. Most people aren’t caregivers at your age.
Normally we would recommend that you contact Council on Aging to get an assessment of your father’s needs but technically he isn’t considered to be a senior citizen.
Does he have money to pay for a caregiver through an agency? What exactly are you helping him with? How far along is his liver disease? Is he a candidate for a liver transplant?
I am sorry that he isn’t appreciative of your support. Have you told him how you feel about the way he treats you? You can tell him that you will no longer help him if he continues to insult you.
Wishing you all the best.
Do you not have a job or life of your own?
”Shold I just endure him downgrading me and stay over there?”
NO! If he’s been abusive your whole life, why do you keep taking more?! Do you feel you really are the garbage he treats you as? I hope not, but it sounds like you’ve grown to accept his abuse, sadly.
Are you hoping he’ll eventually love you and appreciate you or apologize for how he treated you? I promise you there is maybe a .5% chance of that happening. He has ruined so much of your life. It’s time to take your life back.
He doesn’t expect you to talk back or stand up for yourself. He can treat you as badly as he wants because he knows you’ll come right back.
Tell him that since he’s not happy with how you’re helping him, you’ll do him a favor and step back. He can call his son instead, since he’s his favorite. Or he can hire someone. You’re done.
It's totally possible your Dad is also experiencing the beginnings of dementia. What you described is very common behavior. Loss of ability to empathize is a symptom. It gets worse. And no amount of reasoning or logic changes it. Been there, done that with a close family member who had dementia for 12 years before she passed.
I strongly encourage you to seek therapy. A good therapist will help you identify and defend strong boundaries so that you can live an emotionally healthy life.
BetterHelp.com is affordable, accessible online therapy. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation.