A few background details. My father in law moved in with us about one year ago due to health related issues, well really he's just extremely obese and lazy and can't take care of himself (weighs well over 300 lbs and is only 5 feet 9 inches). He's a relatively kind person but that's really the only good thing I can say about him. He's very obsese, lazy, entitled, has an extremely hard time telling the truth, doesn't walk, doesn't clean, doesn't work, asks for help on very basic tasks, complains and guilt trips my wife on a constant basis, makes promises and doesn't follow through, bury's himself on the couch in the living room (although we've put a hault to a lot of that), eat's like crap, drinks like crap, watches fox news constantly and says some of the most ignorant stuff I've ever heard come out of a human, talks WAY too much, has no money, doesn't pay rent (although he does help a little with food), leaves spit cans everywhere, has the grossest looking and smelling room I've ever seen .. I could go on and on. Sounds like resentment and it is, but to be honest, I never cared much for the guy to begin with. There's my vent sesh, I know its harsh so thanks for listening... If you guys have anything similar to this situation would love to chat!
Anyways, my wife is precious so I agreed to let him move in because we have a pretty large house and couldn't stand to see her heart broken. But it's been a year now and we have consistently and constantly tried to get him to lose weight and be more productive and really just get him to stay the heck out of our way. It hasn't happened, so I'm done, finished, it's time for him to move out, and no matter what promises he makes going forward I don't think i'll ever be able to trust a word he says again. He's 71 and draws about $1,100 per month and doesn't qualify to go to a nursing home. We're in the beginning stages of looking for low income housing for him. Do you all have any suggestions of where we can put him other than low income housing?
Thanks for listening!
6 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
He may qualify for Supplemental income (SSI). Social Services can help u with that and may help you with housing. Time for Dad to leave. Not his daughter's responsibility to care for him.
When my brother came home from College, he had an earring in one ear and was chewing tobacco. You know what my Mom told him to get rid of, the earring. He had bottles of spite all over. I told her the earring was the less of the two evils. Your home. Tell him no more spit cans.
I am sorry the decision was made to allow him into your own home. You have made your home his home and apparently without a care contract drawn by an elder law attorney for shared living costs and etc. Now to get him to move will be very emotionally traumatic. The time for honest discussion was before this move, not now, after it. And you and your wife failed to realize and to communicate together about what all this meant.
That said, you do have a plan going forward. Be honest with his father that this isn't working for you and for your wife. But do know with this level of need and lack of ability to care for himself the care needs will be ongoing. He may need care in facility at any time and application for medicaid.
I am so sorry. Time to sit with wife and make a plan of approach to her Dad. And then do it. This will be hard and complicated. I wish you the very best. And I am so sorry for all involved.
ADVERTISEMENT
If your wife pulls the ‘honor thy father’ line, tell her that ‘honor’ is english, translated from aramaic, via hebrew, via greek, via latin. It doesn’t mean ‘obey’ or ‘tolerate no-matter-what'. It probably means something more like ‘respect’, or rather ‘don’t show your disrespect in public’. Which is what you just did, anonymously, and good on you.
If he doesn't walk (unable?) then maybe he's a candidate for LTC funded by Medicaid?
I would call social services and discuss options for such a person. Maybe Section 8 housing. He doesn't have to agree with moving out, he can be legally evicted. He will be angry during and after but will eventually get over it.
Sometimes we have LOs upon whom we project expectations: wanting and hoping them to become people that they never were and never will be. This is your FIL. He's not gonna change. I hope you can get your wife to see this. I also hope she understands that you are the priority, not her Dad. She has a dysfunctional relationship with him that needs to be addressed. Has she ever talked to a therapist about it? It's not too late for her to do this so that she learns healthy boundaries that protects herself and her marriage.
https://www.apartments.com/northlake-center-charlotte-nc/41c0nwh/#descriptionSection
Above is a link to an apartment bldg in Charlotte where the 1 bedroom 1 bath units start at $369 a month. May be worth checking out, Idk.
Check out Apartments.com for units in your area and punch in a low price range to see what comes up.
My bil lived in a motel on his SSDI check so that's something else to consider.
Your wife will have to be on board with this as well, huh?
Good luck to you.