Why is this the hardest thing I have ever done even though I know it is the right thing to do?

I had to segue my mother into Memory Care from her beloved assisted living apartment and she wasn't happy about it. But her dementia had reached a point where she needed more care that the AL could not provide, and her mobility had declined at the same time, so there was no other choice.

The truth is, DEMENTIA is the bad guy here. Not you or I. But the horrible disease that strips our loved ones of their identity and turns them into a shell of their former selves. Whether they become angry and combative, hurling ugly and hurtful words at us, or they shut down entirely and stop communicating, just staring off into space. It's all bad. Nobody wins when dementia enters the picture. So we choose the lesser of the bad choices.....as they're ALL bad choices at this point, and we pray for peace. Peace for ourselves and peace for our loved one. Wasn't a day that I didn't pray to God to take my mother with Him and away from all of her difficulties on earth.

She did get great care from "her girls" in Memory Care, I'm happy to say. Some would come and sit with her after their shift ended to shoot the breeze about their lives. When mom was on hospice and dying almost 3 years into her stay in MC, the line into her suite of caregivers and nurses wanting to pay their respects was constant. Yes, she got great care, thank God.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

It's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Seeing my mother's mind waste away continues to be one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. And, I see it each and every week. It's a gut punch, for sure.

BUT, you and I can do hard things.

It's okay for part of our lives to be hard.

Not everything is easy.

Not everything can be fixed.

You're in good company, here on the forum.

Keep coming back.

It is absolutely the right thing to do since the priority is yourself, your spouse, your children. If you burn out, who will then care/manage things for your Mom? You always have to put your own oxygen mask on first before doing it for someone who isn't capable of putting on their own.

Think of what you are feeling as grief, not guilt. You've done nothing wrong so you should not feel guilty. Grief is very appropriate in this situation. You love your Mom... who wouldn't grieve this event?

Count your Mom's blessings for her, this will help you see that what's happening now is the "best" possible solution for her situation. If you peruse other posts on this forum you will quickly see how many other seniors have it far, far worse than your Mom. She is blessed to have daughters like you guys!

The socialization and activity options at her facility will be good for her. Keeping her cloistered in her home has no real benefit to her at this stage -- it's an emotional decision, and not a practical one. Yes to backing off and letting her settle in.

Yes, it is morally and ethically acceptable to tell her a "therapeutic fib" so that she stays calm (since she is no longer able to use her own reason and logic, and has a broken memory, she can't get herself to a place of acceptance so others need to help her to do this.) Is she on any medication for anxiety or agitation? If you think she needs this please don't hesitate to discuss with her PCP.

After she transitions, you and your siblings should all give yourselves a pat on the back and have a spa day together -- you've earned it! Bless you for taking such good care of her. May you all receive peace in your hearts.

Do as they say and don't visit her for the 7-10 days the facility says to stay away. This is so she can acclimate to her new environment and she won't if you and your sibs are there every day right now.

You made the right choice placing her in memory care. It's the right choice for you, your mother, and the family.

My friend, usually doing what's right is hard. Many times it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make anyone happy. It's still right though.

You don't have to be happy about it. It's okay to be sad and even to have grief now. Dementia took the person who was your mother and what it leaves behind is a miserable shell. So you certainly have reason to be sad and to grieve that.

Don't you dare put yourself on a guilt-trip though. You have nothing to be guilty for because you did not do wrong. You did what had to be done.

Please be kind to yourself. Do what the memory care said and stay away for a while. Spend some time with your sisters because they're feeling the same as you. Be a support system to each other so you all can be good advocates for your mother to make sure she gets well cared for. Good luck to you and your sisters.

UPDATE: She is there. It is definitely a HUGE weight off my shoulders and I am not allowing myself to really feel anything for at least 7 days. That is how long they suggested I wait til visiting her. I can't think about what my mom is feeling or else I would crumble. So numb I will be and I actually slept last night for 7b hours. No bad dreams. Not worried that my mom could have left her house and is freezing to death. Thank you to everyone for your advice, your shared experiences and your prayers. I hope I will be able to help someone else in the future who is dealing with the same struggles because this is where I learn everything about ALZ. My mom's PCP has never said the word dementia or ALZ and she was diagnosed in 2020. Luckily, this facility has a doctor who will accept my mom as a patient so another bonus!

I am taking everyone's advice and not going to visit for 10 days. It is so hard but I want more than anything to give my mom the very best chance at adapting to her new situation so I will follow the recommendations. I appreciate everyone's support and honestly i don't think i could have done this without you! Thank you so much!

I went to visit her for the first time yesterday. It had been 7 days. She immediately knew I was her daughter (which didn't happen a lot at home) and she looked good. She cried and asked if I could take her home (again she asked to go home while she was in her home) and said it had been years since i saw her. It was hard. Really hard. BUT it was easier to leave her there then when i had to leave her at home alone. I am trying to come to terms with the idea that my mom will probably never be "okay" again. I would give anything to take away her anxiety and fear that she must live with 24/7. This is the cruelest disease i can imagine. *for adults. Children being sick is the worst. Just wanted to make that clear!!
Overall i am feeling so much better now. She is safe(r), always has someone to talk to and now as i have heard from many people here, I can start to be her daughter and her advocate rather than her caretaker. I will keep you updated and thank you so much!

So sorry you’re both going through this. Sometimes there just aren’t any good choices left and you’re left making the best decisions in rotten circumstances. Your mother is blessed that you’ve looked out for her, want her to be safe and not alone, and now will be an active advocate for her in a new setting. No one could ask for more. I hope you can lose the misplaced guilt, for you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s okay to feel sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is useless and only drags you down. Just keep repeating to mom that this is her home now, no promises of picking her up, no arguing. She may surprise you with an ability to adapt. It will always hurt your heart, that shows you’re human, you care, and have had the blessing of a wonderful woman in your mom. I wish you both peace

Kstay, I haven’t posted for quite awhile but your story is much the same as my experience and so many others.
both my parents were failing and not safe at home. I was able to get them into assisted living and dad had to go to memory care after mom died.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done on so many levels, guilt being a huge factor. But they were safe and cared for. All I had to do was look at them and imagine them on their own at home and I knew I’d done the right thing.

You are grieving for the mom you knew and I think that’s a normal process. My dad’s dementia ramped up slowly over about 10 years. In his last year or so he didn’t know me but I was a familiar presence every day and he would be calm and let me trim his hair and nails when I visited, and other things the caregivers struggled with.

You’ve done the right thing but I know how hard it is to not feel guilty. This forum was very helpful to me in those times. Many good folks here who have seen it all.

Best of luck to you.

Stop feeling guilty. You are doing the right thing placing her in MC. You are making hard decisions and are doing all this because you love her. It’s sad that she continues to linger in such a diminished state. I hope your mothers ordeal is over soon.

Ask the facility how best to make your departure. She will adjust.

I wish you peace as you navigate this next chapter.