My husband has dementia and I need to get my ducks in a row.

Why aren't neurologists and care providers handing out pamphlets to guide us as spouses and caregivers? Why do we have to struggle at finding attorneys and when is POA our option and what that all entails? What can they do better, to giving us the diagnosis and paperwork FOR that? Some fight you tooth and nail, they are capable, convince others that YOU are the problem, convince YOU, that the dead cat has been peeing on the floor (for the 3rd time and it isn't even noon)! A daycare for the elderly? Where are they located? I need a breather and need to know he is playing cards somewhere and not able to wander about! If he just watches TV, or naps, at least I'd be able to clean without him making me stop to cook something for him! Caregivers, need advice, need a break and need assurance. They will 'lie' and say someone came over and visited them, and we missed seeing their beloved friends (when they have been dead for years)! They fell asleep had a lucid dream and believed it to be their truth! My grandfather banged his cane on the floor, saying, I didn't believe him? I believe you, and I'm sorry I missed them! (I learned to play along and remain calm to defuse the situation). Eye opening, realization, they can't be left alone, not even briefly! They aren't able nor capable and that is what is hard to deal with. Now, with my husband, I'm having to limit where I go (to my doctor's visits), because he's home alone. I promise him food, that I will come back with! I have changed my way of life to accommodate him and no longer have a social life. I understand why people divorce and sever ties! Self-preservation!

Good advice from all. Just a note about car titles. When my dad passed the estate would not have had to go through probate except that the car was in his name alone and couldn't pass to my mom without probate.

Two no-cost options specific to your state:

1. Get with a Resource Options Coordinator who, according to the NM Aging & Long Term Service Department, "can help you weigh your choices and help connect you to programs and services." 1-800-432-2080

2. Their website (aging.nm.gov) also has a Person-Centered Planning Tool that covers all aspects of care including legal and financial.

Best wishes to you and hubby

Medicaid is state-specific and that's why it is important to talk to a Medicaid Planner in NM, not on this anonymous global forum.

The advice JoAnn29 gave you is a generic overview of what happens. But states can have different "look back" periods on the financial portion of the Medicaid app (can be anywhere from 2.5 to 5 years) which means as your husband's FPoA you need to manage his finances in a particular way in order to never delay or disqualify him.

Different states' Medicaid covers different levels of care: a very few may cover AL and maybe MC, and most/all states cover LTC (which is medically assessed by a doctor and usually means the person is bedridden or profoundly physically ill/disabled.)

Any facility you seek to transition him into will need to accept Medicaid recipients so this is the first question to ask them when researching.

Yes, you need an elder lawyer versed in Medicaid. He can split your assets, DHs would go to his care and when gone, Medicaid can be applied for. Once he is on Medicaid, you will remain in the home, get a car and enough or all of your monthly income to live on. When he passes, a Medicaid lien will be placed on his half of the house. You can live in the house as long as u want. But if you leave, sell the house or die, the house will need to be sold to satisfy the lien. Your half will not be touched. I am only giving u the basics an Elder Lawyer can go into more detail.

Thing are very much more complicated when there is a married couple, and for this reason your ducks need lining up with a good elder law attorney who can answer these questions for you. Try to get a recommend for one you can follow up with who will be a support to you for his/her hourly fee as you will have ongoing questions.
You need a good understanding of how to do division of assets. For how to get yourself on the title to the car. For how to protect finances. For what happens at end of his life (should he pass first the home will not be taken from you. Any clawback would happen at point of sale of the home. You/he are allowed a home and a car and can still qualify for Medicaid. That is my understanding, but you need MORE than MY understanding. You need a good attorney to guide you now.

I wish you the best. Stay on the Forum. Look up topics from the timeline and educate yourself as much as you are able as to the laws regarding medicaid (a joint state/federal program) for your state (each state varies.) This is a long and tough learning curve and I wish you the best, but you ALSO need expert guidance.

Recently a person who contributes on Forum mentioned using an aginglife professional (www.aginglife.org) with a fee of about 120.00 an hour who helped enormously. Alz.org may have good suggestions. Go to Facebook and join groups which are often loaded with info.
Wishing you great good luck.