How to handle my mother overmedicating my demented grandmother?

Alix, you should tell mom you are coming to take care of grandma (whatever day works for you) weekly, on this day so she can get some respite. That's what you should do, you describe a very burned out person that needs a hand, not critism as you drop in to visit nana.

It is easy to judge another person's actions when you have not walked a mile in their shoes. Heck, give mom a two week vacation by stepping up and taking care of Nana, she will be a different person when she gets back from her holiday and you can totally control the meds, win-win!

Help mom take care of granny, because I promise you that you have no idea how crushing 24/7 care is to a person. So walk the walk and then you have earned the right to speak to your mom about her actions.

My husband's relatives told me I was overmedicating him and turning him into a zombie before he was on any meds! Like, not even a vitamin or an aspirin. People want to blame caregivers for the effects of the disease.

My friend, please don't be the grand-daughter from Cali. Instead of "witnessing" how bad your mother is to your grandmother and snitching her out to one of the nurses, why not give her a hand and help out a little bit. Or ask that nurse if she can arrange some respite homecare to give your mother a break.

Clearly you have zero experience taking care of someone with dementia and all that comes with it and that's okay. I did it for 25 years so please let me tell you something.

No one has an unlimited supply of patience. You and the nurse running her mouth about what your grandmother doesn't need, should know this.

I have lost my patience over the years with "challenging" (that's putting it politely) care clients and I'm an experienced professional who went home after the shift is finished. If your mother is trying to do this all on her own 24/7 this is the perfect storm for elder abuse to happen.


Why does your grandmother have meds prescribed to her if she doesn't need any? I'm sure your mother didn't get the meds she's giving your grandmother on the street. It's also illegal for the nurse to be discussing your grandmother's conditions with you and offering her opinions on whether she needs medications and that is exactly what they are - opnions unless you are the POA for Nana. Or the POA has given permission for you her case to be discussed with you.

Learn. You know how to learn about dementia caregiving? By doing it.

How about if you get a practical lesson in dementia caregiving? You're taking care of Nana for a weekend while your mother puts up somewhere. Just you and nana. There will be a folder with a care plan if nana has visiting nurses coming to her house. Follow what the care plan says and see how you do.

After your weekend and what I'm sure will be a baptism of fire for you, come back and tell us about it. Guaranteed you will see things in a whole new light and will have a lot more understanding and compassion for your mother.

If the nurse has witnessed this and it is also confirmed by the medications being used more often than prescribed I am very surprised that she has not called APS for abuse. She is a mandated reporter of any abuse and over medicating particularly for "convenience" is abuse.
YOU can call and report the abuse as well.
I will tell you that obviously this will cause a rift and your mother will be very angry. And the other outcome, worse case, would be that you mother may no t be able to care for your grandma any longer. This means another family member would be appointed Guardian or the Court will appoint one.

Your mother is probably over whelmed and needs more help. Or grandma needs to be in Memory Care where her needs will be met in a safe manner.

Please consider it is possible that you are misinterpreting some of what you are seeing. Your Mom may be completely burnt out as the primary caregiver. Does she ever get breaks? Is she doing it 24/7? Does she take vacations? Is she being compensated? Is she doing most of it by herself? This may be why she is short-tempered and "mean". There is a Care Topic on this forum dedicated to Burn Out. Please read some of those posts and you will probably read a description of your Mom and her situation.

Your Nana might have had a stroke that has caused her to lose physical and cognitive abilities and this is why she seems like a zombie. What medication is your Mom giving her? This is a critical piece of information to know. Do you know anything about your Nana's actual medical history?

Have you offered to help take care of your Nana for a week to give your Mom a break? You may have a different perspective if you do.

After that, if you are still convinced she is intentionally overmedicating her you can report this situation to APS, you don't have to wait for the nurse to do it.

Maybe it time to place grandma. If she has no money Medicaid can be applied for.

That is a very serious accusation. Maybe suggesting to your mom that grandma be placed and helping her with the steps to do so might be a better idea for all involved in lieu of reporting your clearly burned out mom.

You could scout out a few places and have some information to present to your mom during the conversation. I don't know what your grandmothers needs are to determine if that would be assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing, etc.

Then you could suggest to your mom that you will watch your Nana while she checks them out herself.

It's hard to have a grandma with dementia. My kids can not believe or want to hear the nitty gritty of their grandma's level of dementia. Thankfully, my sister gets it and is on the same page with me.

If you do not live with them and do not care for grandma, I'm sorry, but you are not seeing the whole picture. You really have to spend time with someone to see allllll the tons of little things they do that support their diagnosis. And it's a roller coaster with good moments and crazy moments. It's VERY hard to care for someone with dementia.

"Just" repeating questions is enough to drive a caregiver nutty! And if that's what she's doing, I'm pretty sure that there is more to her condition than just that. It's hard not to make excuses for their behavior, but you could be unfair in accusing your mom of being mean and overmedicating.

I agree that you should give your mom a break and spend some quality one-on-one time with grandma. It would be good for all of you!

Good luck.

If you believe your grandmother is suffering abuse please call APS emergently and at once for investigation. Give them proof of said abuse very specifically. If you yourself are unwilling to be appointed emergency guardian dependent on outcome then do ask that the state take over your grandmother's management pending investigation.

It is difficult to assess what you say here. Difficult to imagine MD supplying medications in these amounts. Difficult to assess the condition of your grandmother as strangers on a Forum.
Consider reporting your suspicions to the MD supplying drugs. While he/she may be unable to discuss the situation with you, he/she will have the power to discuss with your mother.

Given that you are not your mother's caregiver, this is about the best you can do, taking your question on the face of it. Seniors who are suffering acute agitation are in fact very difficult to medicate, to reach the fine line where they are awake, alert, but not agitated. I am certain you are aware of that.

Your mom is probably experiencing extreme caregiver burnout. She is overmedicating because she is never getting a break or caring for herself. Ask your mom to relinquish the role of caregiver and place nana into residential care. Talk to your nana's doctor about this situation as well; she/he is required to report this type of behavior to authorities. Or, call the local authorities. If your mom continues this type of "caring," she can be charged and incarcerated for elder abuse. It would be better for nana to be placed into residential care rather having to visit your mom in jail.