Update: 2.5 weeks in memory care unit. How's it going?

Wishing you and your mother all the best as she adjusts to her new surroundings.

If you think it’s best to visit every day then you should. My sister or I do that.

I found most of the staff where my parents’ are to be professional and polite. There are a couple that are unfriendly but they do their jobs. It’s good to keep tabs.

It’s sad this is happening to her but she is safer there than at home and she is cared for by professionals.

My mother lived in a great Memory Care Assisted Living facility for nearly 3 years before she passed in 2022 at 95. I didn't pay attention to the recommendation not to visit her for a week or two to let her adjust.....I actually visited her daily to make sure she WAS adjusting. She did fine. Her girls, as she called them, were very attentive to her needs and treated her like a grandmother. They'd often sit with her after their shift ended just to shoot the breeze.

I used the in house doctors and mobile dentist so I didn't have to transport mom out of the building since she was wheelchair bound. If there was a need, the nurse called me first and sent her to the ER by ambulance. I'd meet them at the hospital. 2x the nurse caught pneumonia early enough for it to be treatable.

When she was dying, the line at her door to say goodbye was huge. Nurses and aides came by from the regular AL building to pay their respects to mom for days. We all received wonderful treatment from the staff there.

Don't conjure up true crime scenarios in your head about how this situation will turn out for your mom. Keep an eye on things, naturally, and speak to the Executive Director about any concerns you have. Nothing is perfect and there WILL be issues from time to time, that's to be expected. But in our case, I never saw my mother mistreated or yelled at or purposely taken advantage of.

Wishing you the best of luck.

She may look worse, since you didn't see her daily for weeks. So you'd notice changes immediately.

She was probably not eating much because of different food she's not used to.
Especially if already a picky eater. She was likely upset and hurt at first. That doesn't give someone an appetite.

Of course it's a sad place, it's not Disneyland. It's a MC facility, which is to keep her clean, fed and SAFE. Not every staff member needs to be "friendly" since they have a tough job.

Best to stop feeling so guilty and give her a chance to adjust. Nobody likes moving into strange places, so she's probably sad and depressed. Someone visiting "every day for the rest of her life" won't help her adjust after just a few weeks. Bring her favorite treats? A photo album to look at? A stuffed animal to hug?

Getting older sucks. You can't control it, or caused it. She knows you all love her, give her time. All the best.

No place is perfect, but you know that your mom is where she now needs to be, and is safe and taken care of. And sometimes that has to be enough.
You and your siblings have done a great job of looking after your mom and you will continue to do so until the Good Lord takes her home, so just enjoy this time with her as her children and advocates and not her caregivers, and know that no matter where in her little world she is, she still loves you all very much, and knows you love her too.
May God bless and keep you all.

When my daddy would not eat his favorite food I knew something was wrong. Not only did I have him tested for a UTI but I also had to have things in order. I was not ready for my mama to go but seven years later I recognized the signs and did everything I could to get him to tell me as much as he could. I found the trust forms, insurance forms, started looking up facilities. As time went on he lost his taster - he wouldn't eat his favorite foods, he salted everything. Then I was told that as people get older they lose the will to eat, or pay attention or do anything. Hard to watch and harder to care for and even harder to become the parent. I put my daddy in a facility and watched him decline. Then I had to put him in a group home - which was better than a nursing home. I treated them as family and the same was returned. I visited daily. Soon he didn't get out of bed and I had him moved back home. He was then on hospice and I took the time off to care for him. My siblings helped me and they were great! I held my daddys hand as he took his last breath as I did with my mama and sister. Just know that my prayers are with you!

Realistically--and I think you have known this--you may be looking at the beginning of the end. There comes a time when eating isn't a drive. When communicating isn't as well. You need to think of it as the brain "shorting out" all over the place.
And I would like you to consider just how long you would want her to continue on in this kind of lost world of torment.
As you say she isn't miserable all the time. And she can join in some things. There is comfort in that. But this now is her world. It has been full of loss in the last times, and it will continue to be full of more of them. I hope that her DNR and no transport to hospital is in place, and consider Hospice when you are able to for extra supportive care.
I am so sorry, but this is real slow loss. You may surprise yourself that when she does finally pass you feel relief for her, that you need not fear what she must endure next, as well as relief for yourselves that she is free of this mortal realm.
I am so sorry.