I lost my mum on Christmas Day 2023. So it’s early days. Mum always said to me that my dad would struggle to cope if she went before him. She was so right. He’s a broken man. He’s 75. I’m married with grown children and grandchildren. However I have a very understanding husband who agrees dad comes first. I have been staying with dad since Christmas Day. He can’t cope. He needs help with getting up daily, eating daily, taking meds daily and more so at night. He hates nighttime. He hates going to bed alone. So I’ve been helping him do all of the above.
My brothers and other family members are saying I’m not doing him any favours staying. He needs to adjust to a new way of life. However it’s only been weeks since mum passed. I have severe anxiety (more so about losing my parents) and haven’t left my own home in 4 years. I feel staying with dad is helping me be more mobile and making sure he’s ok. He’s lost and so sad and I’m also helping him.
Other family members are saying I look so tired and awful (rude) but I cannot bring myself to leave him. If it wasn’t for me he’d have very very few visitors and this is helping me overcome my ability to move around more and not sit worrying all day in bed about him. My only problem is I haven’t even started grieving due to being so worried about him.
Am I doing the thing or am I making the situation worse. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
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You, good ur seeing someone. But who does the things that your doing for Dad for you at your house? They should not be doing them. They are disabling you. If u can do them for Dad then u can do them for ur Dad.
Yes, this time is good for you and Dad but it should just be a teaching thing for him and when you get home, u continue to do for u and ur family. Push yourself like ur doing for Dad. When you feel like Dad can do for himself, start to break away by going home during the day allowing Dad to do it on his own. Its all up to him. Hip replacements do not hinder. He should have no problems walking. Then make it an overnight stay. Then maybe just coming over to check on him. Never forget you haveca husband and family.
It’s good your husband has been supportive. Stay for awhile but make it clear that this is only temporary.
He will have to work through his grief for himself, no one can do that for him. Maybe a grief support group would be helpful for him.
And at some point you and he need to talk about his plans for the future. It’s probably not the time right now.
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You're doing the right thing helping your father like you are now, but your siblings are right too. If your father gets too used to you living there like you do now, the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.
There are options though. Would it be possible for your father to move in with you and your husband? Or if he wanted to remain in his home getting a roommate (not a caregiver if he doesn't need one) so he won't be living alone?
Maybe he would consider downsizing and moving to an independent senior living community? Sometimes a new place with new things and new people is the best thing for a person.
Start talking about some living options with your father. You can't continue living in his home as you are now. You have your own home and family. Sit down with him and your husband and talk about these things now.
"I have severe anxiety (more so about losing my parents) and haven’t left my own home in 4 years. I feel staying with dad is helping me be more mobile and making sure he’s ok. He’s lost and so sad and I’m also helping him."
I believe you are confusing, melding, intermingling your own emotional needs with your Dad's.
And I do not believe you are doing him any favor in not allowing him to adjust to his loss.
Discuss with him honestly what his FEELINGS are.
As in TALK TO HIM.
I fail, sometimes on this forum, to fathom how no one seems to be able to just honestly talk about things with family.
I don't know if you're doing the right thing by staying with dad, but I think you're kindly helping him get through a dreadfully difficult time right now. You maybe ought to put a time limit on your stay, however, and look into a grief counselor to help both of you process this huge loss together.
I don't feel like your family members are trying to be rude by saying you look so tired and awful......just stating their concern for your welfare. Nobody likely wants to see you have a breakdown yourself caring for dad in his state.
I also feel like it's most important for you to seek help for yourself once your stay with dad is over. Having such anxiety that you haven't left the house in 4 years is limiting yourself to life in a bubble of being unwell. Anxiety is a terrible affliction to suffer from, I know. I also know there are medications available to help ENORMOUSLY with it. Allow yourself to address this matter and to live a full life. To speak to a therapist also about your fears of losing your dad. You shouldn't agree to live this way anymore, not these days when help IS readily available.
Finally, I don't feel like you're making the situation worse for your father by staying with him for a period of time. We all need help sometimes. Whether it's staying with a loved one who's suffered a big loss or it's a woman who's lived an anxiety-ridden life for too long. To be human is to admit we need help and to ask for it. I hope you do.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
I do know that eventually in time I will gently leave him for some time during the day and also stay home occasionally. But right now I can see my brothers getting annoyed and also worrying about me. I just feel it’s too early and nobody is agreeing with me apart from my own husband and kids. If it wasn’t for me he’d have no visitors for days and 10 min visits from my siblings.
it’s a hard one trying to please everyone and not knowing if it’s the right or wrong thing.
I’ve also said to dad, when he’s starting to cope a bit better to promise to tell me to go home and say he’ll be ok. He’s not long had a massive operation in his heart and stomach so he’s still recovering also.
I don’t feel bad staying, it’s others making me feel bad.
:-(