I feel like my family is getting stuck in between resources. Currently, my mom lives with my sibling and BIL. The living environment sounds extremely toxic. They initially would drink a couple glasses of wine at dinner, but my mom’s drinking has become very severe. They now are keeping her away from any booze, but this is really infantilizing her and now she mainly just stays at home watching TV. At her last vacation she managed to stay safe, but upon returning home, discovered she was sneaking booze in shampoo bottles! The siblings threatened to move out, but they rely on my mom for housing; so instead mom agreed to go to rehab. Apparently, alcohol rehabs won’t take her because of her age (77 yo)! At first, I considered recommending that we look for assisted living, but with her sneaky drinking, I suspect she would just get kicked out. Also, she’s not incapacitated enough to go to a nursing home (her doctors say she has MCI still and can complete ADLs). It just feels hopeless because if they move out, she’d likely hurt herself from drinking, the current situation seems very toxic, but it doesn’t seem that rehab or assisted living will work either? Any ideas?
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How do you figure your sister and BIL are "infantilizing" your mother who's "become very severe with her drinking" by keeping her safely away from alcohol? Should they supply her with alcohol instead and watch her cause herself more harm and allow the Dementia advance rapidly too?
When mom can, she WILL sneak alcohol because she's an alcoholic as evidenced by putting it into shampoo bottles. I don't think AA meetings or rehab would benefit a 77 yo woman with dementia, personally. She won't fully absorb the programs message and have the discipline to take the necessary steps to STAY sober. Her best bet is to continue living with your sister and BIL in a dry home with no access to booze, imo.
In most ALs, residents are allowed to keep alcohol in their apartments, as my parents did in the 2 ALs they lived in. There was happy hour on Friday night's where drinks were served, and several residents got intoxicated on a regular basis. Just as the exit doors remain unlocked in AL for residents to come and go as desired, they are also allowed to drink alcohol as free adults who are unrestricted. Nursing homes and Memory Care Assisted Living facilities do not allow alcohol consumption, in my experience with them.
Your sister needs somewhere to live AND keeps mom dry. I'd leave that arrangement alone if I were you and save myself a big headache in the process. Sis and BIL are doing everyone a favor, as I see it.
Please consider attending Al-Anon meetings. They will help you to place your situation into the proper perspective.
Addiction is a disease. Your mother cannot stop drinking cold turkey. It would actually be dangerous for her to suddenly stop drinking.
Your mom will not be able to stop drinking on her own. Even with help it’s quite challenging for addicts to stop drinking or using other substances.
I am going to post a phone number for you to call. I don’t believe that there are any age restrictions. Their website has information on alcoholism in the elderly.
1-800-662-HELP (4357)
SAMHSA National Hotline
www.samhsa.gov
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
Wishing you and your family all the best.
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She isn't going to give up the booze at her age and it's remarkable that she can still able to drink.
Your drunk mother keeps a roof over the heads of your sibling and BIL. So they know that they have to babysit her and keep her out of trouble when she's drinking. That's on them not you.
If I were you I'd just leave well enough alone.
There is such a thing as age-specific rehab. The question is whether she is a candidate and if there's one local. The other consideration is whether or how much of it can be paid for by Medicare (and it would be limited to which types of programs and providers, so may be a narrow range of options).
I checked Adult and Teen Challenge and they have an age limit of 65. I think age limits are put in place for liability reasons: the elderly have so many other health issues to manage. She may be able to do an out-patient only program.
She's not going to stop boozing at 77 years old. Granted no one should go ang get her booze, but if the sibling and BIL are living in her house, she can kick them out if they don't supply her.
You are correct that the likelihood of her hurting herself from her drinking, as you say, is almost certain.
However, she doesn't even live with you, and this really isn't your business.
For your sister and BIL it is up to them, but basically they have the same choice you do, which is to leave your mother alone, and either choose to live with her or choose not to.
Please begin to attend Al-Anon so that you can get support, and so you can understand that there is nothing that you, yourself can do to help an alcoholic. Only they can make the choice to get help. And that is not your mother's choice.
A few ALs provide a glass of wine with dinner. I think an AL that serves alcohol would be a bad scenario for her! You would want one that has none at all.
Have you asked for direction from her doctor?
Will she attend AA meetings?