Hi. This is my first post but not my first when it comes to caregiving. This one is close to home, my mother. I had read so much here, and I think it's time for me to vent or tell my story. I have also read how others think we are here or caregiving for our parents’ money. I shake my head to that in most cases. I took care of a friend’s mother and stopped because I didn't feel comfortable with the things, she was asking me to do. My second was my father in-law who was a vet of WWII and I was honored to help in any way possible. It wasn't easy. 7 long months of wound care and stubbornness but we eventually became a good team. When I decided to let my mom move in with me, I knew this may be for the good or it possibly could go south. Great at first. I made her feel as though she never moved. She had gotten rid of most of her things beforehand and brought very little with her. She also sold her home and her old 1985 Buick which was a money pit. She really did the bare minimum to keep it drivable. She also was the type of woman all my life, if you can get anything for free it was all hers but lied to get it. Yes, these are my feelings. She lied on her application for disability and to the doctors on every visit. But I never said a work. Those visits were not my mother, at least who I knew she was. Yes, she has had a terrible sickness in her past, but she is a warrior in my mind. She fought through polio and a brain aneurysm. Still my warrior 27 yrs. age. Went back to work, quit but helped raise her grandchildren and did arts and crafts. All my life I felt sorry for her as she made me feel so, after divorcing my father she went on the hunt for the next and the next baby daddy. Over and over. She married a master carpenter, divorced then came the plumber next an electrician. Can you see the pattern? The whole house was remodel for her at a cost of her hustle of her web of men and what she could get. It has always been about her and still is. Her demands are strong. After 3 years of being here she knew I previously had been diagnosed with lupus several yrs before. I put everything on hold for her. Not knowing how this was going to take a toll on me physically and mentally with a narcissistic mother I decided it was best for me to put her in a home. She went dark on me 6 months prior to this discussion. At 48 she told me she had affairs on my father, and I was the product of one. It broke me to pieces. As if we were just having a friendly conversation. She canceled many appointments because she just didn't feel like going. Or if she saw a snowflake falling, she got an instant cold that day. I know I am rambling, but I need to get this off my chest. She is there and still calls with demands. She has thrown my name under the bus with family friends and others. It's been one thing after another. I’ve been told to walk away. I want to. I don't know how. She is still abusing me mentally, but I still care about her health and well-being... I'm having my flares and I'm not doing so well. My husband wants me to stop and better myself and get stronger. She just has a strong hold. I pray she loosens the grip. Thank you for listening.
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It’s up to you if you choose to continue on with boundaries or stop altogether.
Wishing you the best no matter what you choose.
Quite honestly we can't help you, and only you can do that.
You say that others have told you that you need not to continue in this care, but you say "I don't know how".
I would suggest that you get some help learning how, then.
None of us knows how to do ANYTHING until we are shown, and helped to learn.
Honestly you are grown now and responsible for your own decisions no matter how a parent has raised and trained you to be her helpmate.
Things in relationships are only working when it works for both persons. When it only works for one then it needs to be ended.
Will there be unhappiness around that? Perhaps. But certainly nothing like the unhappiness you are already living with,
When we are adults we made our own decisions.
We are responsible for them.
When those decisions aren't working we do everything we can to change things.
Please consider getting help and try to move out of this habitual response.
Many children choose to throw themselves upon the funeral pyres of parents who already HAD their lives; it does no one any good. The parents aren't happy, nor is the child. It is purely a waste.
You've this one life. It is up to you what you create of it.
I wish you the very best going forward.
It's difficult for me to tell if your mom is currently in care or at home because she refused to go into care. You say something to the effect she is still there with calls and so on. Of course she will be until you stop it. As long as you are sort of "the bad girl" anyway, why not just embrace that completely, and enjoy it.
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Your mother is quite the manipulator, as evidenced by her marrying so many men to get her needs taken care of. And she's mean, abusive and vengeful to tell you, after 48 years, in a casual way, that your dad isn't your biological dad because she had an affair and became pregnant with you. I wonder if she told her husband he wasn't your birth father OR told her lover she was pregnant with you? Women like this don't deserve you feeling sorry for them, that's for sure.
My mother was very vindictive herself and told me a few things no mother has any business telling their daughter. I really was finally able to see thru all her decades of BS at that point and emotionally distance myself from her then, thankfully. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I stopped trying to make HER happy and finally started to focus on MYSELF and my poor husband who was watching me die inside due to her histrionics for years. Thankfully she lived in Assisted Living and then segued into Memory Care when her dementia got bad.
You don't have to give up your loving heart to say ENOUGH to your abusive mother. You don't have to totally walk away, either, and never see her again. You just have to recognize the hold she has on you, the fact she's groomed you to be her doormat, and say NO MORE will I tolerate this crap. I will not be held emotionally hostage by this woman for ONE more minute ever again, I'm done. I am in charge of my life and here is how I plan to live the rest of it. Outline your plan and then don't veer from it, because she's waiting for ONE crack in your armor to slither right back in to shatter your self esteem.
You can do this! Mom is 73. Mine lived to 95. What do you want the next 20 years of your life to look like? Make it the best time of your life because you deserve to!
I agree that her mom is very manipulative.
Welcome to the forum! You came to the right place to vent. Most of us have vented on this forum at one time or another.
You say that you have been told to leave but don’t know where to start. This is a common feeling for someone who is experiencing what you are.
May I suggest that you start by getting therapy to sort through your emotions.
Please take care of your own physical and mental health needs. If you don’t have the resources for counseling then look into receiving help from NAMI.
Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in your area to get an assessment of your mother’s needs? You could start there and they will help you navigate through this situation.
I am sorry that your mom has emotionally abused you. What an awful way for you to learn about your biological father.
I really feel like you are biting off more than you can chew by being your mom’s caregiver.
If you are interested in helping your mom for the remainder of her life you can seek out what it would take to have her placed and then be her advocate while she is in her facility.
Some people have surrendered all responsibility for their parents and allowed them to become a ward of the state.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult caregiving journey.