MIL has stage 6B dementia, she is still continent or she'd be a 7. She requires assistance to get dressed, toilet, and food is prepared for her. She is 93, mobile with a walker but a fall risk. She is dependent on family and Assisting Hands carers to remain in her home. She is never alone with someone basically at her beckon call. She is 110% a homebody and dislikes leaving. The respite stay will most likely roll over to long term. An uneventful delivery would be a gift!
10 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
The main objective is to keep her CALM as possible.
I am not sure what 'continent' means - cognizant?
If me, I would approach her with confidence; not be wishy-washy. She will pick up on how you feel and if you come from a place of confidence, she may feel more confident too. Or, if she detects your fear(s) of her reaction, your own feelings about the respite stay, she may react more forcefully / emotionally activated to 'try to' convince you to let her stay home.
I would tell her she's going for a ride - to see a friend of yours.
Yes, it is not the truth although when dealing with dementia, you need to consider how the brain works / not working / and manage your communications and decisions accordingly. You 'do not,' for instance, give her a choice. You offer:
* reflective listening. Hear her out; acknowledge her upset-ness, fears, confusion, frustration. Certainly tell her that YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS as she is more comfortable at home. Of course any (99.99%) of people 93 would want to stay home / not want change / dealing with the unknowns mixed with confusion and fear.
While you want to support her / provide reflective listening, you don't want to go on and on. Shift the subject to a massage or touch (if it feels right) - hold her hand, give her a neck/head massage / foot massage. You can't 'jump' into a massage although using other senses besides verbal may support you to ease her feelings of overwhelm / stress / fear (smile, look into her eyes). Tell her you love her.
If she is able to understand, tell her whatever will / may appease her "this is just for a few tests ... we'll be going home soon."
Best if you can take a friend with you that can stay with her for a while after you leave.
Bring music / CDs if that might help.
These situations are hard and nothing is 100% easy going / transition.
People are frightened of change / the unknowns / anything different - as her age and w dementia. "Do" talk to the part of her brain that is suffering (as you may already do). Do not argue with her. Offer compassionate understanding, "I know you feel xxx, I feel that way too." ... I am sad too and I love you."
Know you will leave feeling sad if not guilty although guilt won't help you at all (to be there for her - or yourself. And you need you to be present to support her. Allow yourself to feel sad realizing this is a change for her, and perhaps you too.
If you can meet the care providers first / before you arrive (or her assigned aide), that might help her so you can talk to the aide and let her know what you feel you / she'll need in terms of attention. Some aides / employees already / naturally know how to interact with their patients / others may not, and they all have other clients/patients. Still, it will - perhaps help if you can befriend the aide assigned to her. And, I realize they change all the time.
I hope this helps. Gena / Touch Matters
ADVERTISEMENT
So sorry for your loss. I’m glad the forum was helpful and your idea of the home needing repair was an excellent one.
Sometimes a simple explanation is best. No need for long burdening about how everyone is tired. Just need a new furnace. Perfect.
However, her furnace is acting up and needs repair with parts ordered. We were grooming that she may need to leave her home while they fixed it.
This site has helped me in so many ways on this journey with her. Two MAJOR things helped the most. When searching caregivers I was hooked up with Assisting Hands and learning of Lorazepam to help bring her out an event. Bless you all for your dedication and care of your loved ones. It's not an easy commitment. I try to live with 'no regrets.' I can honestly say I have done my best with no requests.
It's been my experience that most hospices offer respite at their hospice homes, and I guess unless your city doesn't have a hospice home perhaps that is why an assisted living facility is being offered huh?
But regardless, it sounds like your MIL's care has gotten to be too much for all involved and the family is wanting/needing her placed in the AL long term and not just for respite right?
So you just tell her that everyone is needing a break from her care right now, and her doctor felt it best she go into this facility temporarily, and he/she will decide if and when she can return home.
And then when she asks when she's going home, you tell her that when the doctor says she can, knowing that will never happen.
Wishing you all well and enjoy your much needed respite!