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vtlaplace Asked February 12, 2024

Guilt about putting mom in an adult care home.

My mom is 101, she has vascular dementia, she was diagnosed in 2019. I took an early retirement to take care of her. I have been her only caretaker 24/7 for the last 5 years. Besides being totally burned out, is getting harder for me to handle her on my own. She is very easy going which is a blessing, however bathing her and taking her out to doctor appointments is getting very hard since the minute we are out of the house she freezes up on me, she in no longer able to go up or down stairs and there are 7 of them that she needs to go down on. I have build a way for her to sit on her wheelchair and wheel her out in a way she doesn’t have to use the stairs, but just getting her into the car has become very difficult since sometimes she won’t stand up leaving me to carry her to the seat on the car. I have started to develop back and hip problems. I am looking in to an adult care home. I have found one that seems to meet her needs since she only speaks Spanish. I feel very guilty about doing this but I am neglecting myself so much, can’t even go to appointments for myself unless I take her with me. We live in a remote area so getting help has been impossible. Any advice at this point. I would very much appreciate it. Vera

AlvaDeer Feb 12, 2024
Your mother will need to be placed in care. I think you will find many caregivers speak her language; that was certainly the case where my brother was in ALF. You cannot do this. YOu didn't cause this and can't fix it so guilt, which requires that you CAUSED it and REFUSE TO FIX IT, isn't appropriate at all. The correct g-word is Grief. Watch the words as they form a path through our brains; they are very important. This is about grief and loss, not something that you caused. This is a matter of living too long.

You are risking your very life. When you die before your mother, where does that leave her? In the care of others without even a visit from you.
I think you already recognize this is no longer a choice for you.
I am so sorry for the grief.

Tmax1969 Feb 12, 2024
Wow! Been there. My mom could do anything while we were home but as soon as we got outside she acted crippled and she wasn't. She just said she was do frightened. Not sure why. I finally had to put her in a nursing home and it was bad there too but at least I knew there was someone watching her 24/7. It had to be done. I nearly lost my mind.

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MeDolly Feb 12, 2024
Please, nothing to feel guilty about, it is time, she is 101, you are entitled to a life and should not be destroying your health for her.

Time to place her and for you to become her daughter again, not her caregiver.

Sending support your way.

Geaton777 Feb 12, 2024
Please don't feel guilty -- you've done nothing wrong! Think of that feel as grief. You are grieving. This is normal. Getting her into an appropriate level of care is the right thing to do for the both of you. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for the caregiver, or it isn't sustainable. You need lots of self-love and care now. Your Mom will hopefully surprise you by enjoying the social aspect of the facility (as does my MIL in LTC). She hated it at first. Now she's content and well cared for.

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