She told me to stop being wishey washey with my father and step up and take care of him
I told her the WW reference was rude as hell and told her to come over and see if she can do better.
She is blocked wtf with these people who have never been through this?
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A long time childhood friend of mine, I was there though both of her parents death. Didn't want to be bothered by my complaining and venting.
Another friend, told me ya just do what ya have to do. I took my mother in law in for 8 yrs, she said
Well her cheese fell of her cracker , after a year of her mother in law. And I saw what it did to her, and didn't want that for me.
Some well meaning good people, just really said some stupid things
One friend apologized after taking her mom shopping . And said I get it now.
Anyways the best support and help I've gotten in a short amount of time is here.
If you cannot talk to them without complaining about your care giving problems, it gets old. Same applies if a wife talks about nothing but her husband.
I do not know what you are wishy, washy about however sometimes a LO is too close to the situation and does not see the forest through the trees and the friend does.
I always try and look at the other persons viewpoint before dismissing their input.
Hey, if they told me that they were finally going to get a divorce, I would offer to throw them a huge divorce party!🎈
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Your bff is not the enemy. She just doesn't understand the whole dysfunctional family dynamic going on, nor should she.
Dad does not have a POA from what I read. So Mary has no authority there. She was told early on to leave Mom and Dad alone because they did not need her help. Sister was POA for Mom at that time. Mom has died, leaving Dad behind who wants things his way. To the point he wanted Mary to get groceries over to him inca snowstorm. She has tried to back away because Dad is too demanding. He won't allow her to order groceries and have them delivered. To care for Dad means doing it all his way when he wants it. Thats not possible when Mary has a life of her own.
Mary, stop complaining to the friend. Do what you need to do for you. You set the boundaries. If Dad doesn't like them then "oh well Dad, this is what I can do". He needs you more than you need him. You may want to quote Burnt's saying "you get into a nursing home quicker by being stubborn". (Something to that effect) Without that POA you can't even help him when he becomes incompetent. He will become a ward of the State and they will make his decisions for him. You may want to tell him that. Tell him you are willing to help but he needs to realize you have a life that does not revolve around him. He needs to be flexable, compromise. For you having his groceries delivered is convenient because u do not have the time to shop. There are things he needs to do for himeself. There are resourses he can take advantage of.
My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way" Meaning I will gladly help you find resources but you need to take advantage of them.
I had one coworker tell me that I can't put everything on the other family who live closer (I live 5 hours away from aunt) een though the closer relatives were trying to put it all on me. Another coworker suggested that I quit my job, give up my apartment and go and move in with my aunt to keep her out of a facility. They were making me nuts, so I stopped venting to them. I knew that I was doing all that I could and aunt was stubborn and didn't like help. I just stopped talking with these people because they honestly hadn't a clue.
By your FRIEND to step up.
You must at this point be very confused indeed, Mary.
My advice would be to STEP AWAY, but you haven't listened to me yet.
The point here is, what use to you is all this differing advice.
As Dr. Laura says, just "be polite, and move on".
It sounds like things are not a whole lot different, but I am hoping you are well and glad of your update.
Many here including me experienced relatives and friends who formed their own opinions regarding the managing of our parents care once they were declining. I was accused of forcing my mother out of her apartment with little regard to the serious declining I was witnessing. It often becomes quite a saga. I simply had to tell myself I was doing my best to protect my mother from a safety perspective as well as a financial one as a sea of red flags became evident. I hope you find some support.
That being said, if she is truly your bestie - she will have your best interests at heart. And may also be able to see things that you are too close to see.
We don't have enough details to really weigh in fully. But one of the issues with caregiving is how easy it is to push away those around us - who could be a support system - because we feel very strongly one way and don't want to hear anything different.
If she is well meaning and wanting to help you - don't push her away. Perhaps she can shed more light on why she feels that way - or may tell you that she is worried about you and wants you to be able to live your life. It likely nothing against your mother, it is more for your protection.
Take careful steps and look at the whole situation - don't push her away when it may just be a communication issue. Blocking someone who is truly important to you because they don't agree with you - is how people end up with no one else when the person you are caregiving for is gone.
She can't "do it better" than you - but she may see that you are burnt out and need a break and she's worried.
Her parents steadfastly refused her help, except when her father demands that she go out in ice and snow to deliver his groceries. No home delivery for him.
Sister holds POA.
Mother recently passed away.
Mary would like to help, but with appropriate boundaries for her own health and sanity.
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