Is it okay for my sister to pay a caregiver service but not me?

A different take on the money. If your sister is using your mother’s money to pay the agency, it is reducing your mother’s estate. If you and Sis are joint beneficiaries of your mother’s estate, you are effectively paying half the agency bill as well – if your mother dies soon enough to leave any assets. And if your mother's money runs out and Sis can't pay the agency, the whole thing falls over anyway.

Whatever the result of giving up this arrangement, you are a complete mug if you keep it going.

I didn't read all of the responses but my understanding is there are two types of guardianship that can be sought through the courts. One of them being financial guardianship to keep it in the hands of the one in need by someone acting as administrator. The second guardianship is for all the other decisions. It is at least worth checking into if its correct.

Is your sister paying over $8000 a month out of HER assets or is she using mom's assets to pay for caregivers?
If sister is using her money that is her "contribution" to mom's care.
Or is your sister is using mom's money to pay for caregivers and your sister is not doing "hands on care".
You should have asked to get paid at the start.
You can ask now to be paid an equal pay as what the agency is getting.
If your sister, who I am assuming is POA for Finances, does not want to pay you then you can tell her that you can no longer care for mom and she will have to increase the hours the agency has in order to make up for what you will no longer do.

It is difficult to ask for pay after the fact but you can give your sister a date where your "Volunteer days" are over. The kicker is you have to stick to what you say and not "cave".

Philup, I also think in NYS , the state will pay for some care. Not sure about your state. From what I here they evaluate the parent, decided how much care they need and will pay for a certain amount of hours.
I was going to look into this, because I don't work, and live offy husband. And sometimes feel bad that, I'm not contributing and my time from him is being taken away. So we discussed it and decided not to move forward, because if I did mom will think she owns me and expect ten times more.
Not sure if that is an option in your state

You deserve a salary - my X made sure he got $2500 a week and he had a Lot of help coming in .

I don't think anyone is shelling out $8,000 a month here. Your mother's homecare bill might cost that much, but there's insurance covering something somewhere. In many states a family member cannot get paid from the senior's income to care for them because it's considered "gifting" by Medicaid if they need to get Medicaid at some point and the look-back period hasn't gone by.

Also, most insurance companies will not pay for homecare unless it is through a licensed, homecare agency. I know this because I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business of it.

This is not to say that you should not be paid for your caregiving to your mother. If your sister refuses to pay you, stop doing it until she does. You don't have to be a caregiver for anyone be it paid or free if you refuse. Start refusing.

Tell your sister today that you're not staying if she's not paying.

I'm a firm believer in parents paying for the care they receive, if your mother has money to pay for care you should receive compensation for your time.
Since there is a disagreement within the family about this I think what would be fair is to determine the cost of facility care, less the cost of daytime care, also keeping in mind cost of living beyond actual care needs to be included in that calculation. Charge an amount equal to or less than that. I think you should also explore hiring caregivers to allow you some weekly respite as well as periodic vacations.

Phil, when you step in the way you have, you asked for this situation.

Your siblings made it clear where they stood and you choose to be there to keep mom at home, so...sorry that you feel like they should behave differently, no doubt they think you should too.

Philip, your resentments are building I get it , your not alone , I think that's why many of us are on here, and why there is so much burnout.
My brother has major 911 related health issues, I worry about him alot. And run around all the time for mom, so to not stress him out more. Friday last week, I tripped carrying one end of a coffee table, was a very unsmart move. Lol but did a number on my back. Anyways Mom called yesterday. Never asked how I am, but asked me to pick her up 2 gallons of water ( she has sulfur water) my brother stayed the weekend with my mother. Don't you think one of my brothers would of thought that , I'll get the water so Nancy doesn't have too. Or maybe mom would tell them too. Nope!!! Didn't happen, mom never expects or ask the boys to do anything. She even wants me to was my brothers sheets and make his bed. I said flat out NO.
So mom resents me for not being the dutiful daughter she raised, I resent her for expecting to much, I resent my one brother, for sure. My other brother is a bit maybe on the autism scale, so as long as he is helping, im grateful, but I'm sure they both resent me a bit because I have a mind of my own, and in my family women are not suppose to. Anyways it is what it is. I just work though it and do my best.

PhilupD,
Is your mother in a nursing home now, or other LTC facility? Lily posts below that your recent posts indicate she was placed in care.

My brother contributes the money part my mother needs , because he has more. I donate my time because I have more. It pretty much works for us.

I'm wondering if maybe your more feel takin for granted and under appreciated more than anything. Because I've been there, that's for sure!

Please read OP's response in this thread, "My sister and older brother conspired behind my back to place her in a home and then informed me of their plan. She was admitted on Tues. They held an estate sale on Thurs. and put her home up for sale on Fri." It sounds like mom is in a NH now.

Home care doesn't work. 24/7 home care REALLY doesn't work.

I would tell your sister that she should volunteer HER time and that you are done.

Your mother really needs to be in AL.

I think, then, that you should consider handing in your resignation if you cannot afford to do this care without pay.

You are not a caregiver. You are a son.

But if you are taking off from work, in need of funds, and cannot afford to take this on, then do not do so.

What sounds "right" to us here in this matter is of ZERO importance, unless you imagine that telling Sis "The AgingCare Forum says this isn't right" will make some difference to her. It wouldn't to me. What would make a difference would be whether or not you are in need of funding for taking time from work/life/thing you need to be doing.

Geaton,

I agree with you about how we should view money. It isn’t the root of all evil.

It’s sad when money isn’t looked at in the right context.

Money is a necessary tool when it is used properly. When money isn’t used properly it can cause all sorts of problems within a family.

It's your decision whether you wish to be paid, not hers. But if she says no, I would stop doing it.

If she pays you privately, you become an employee and she will thus need to do withholding, do quarterly reporting, submit your W2 at the EOY, and have a written contract outlining your wage, and vacation/sick policy.

"... I could not offer quality of care that a facility could. My wife and daughter are both CNA that work at same facility.

" WE know what goes on there. Every facility is the same with a different name on the front of the building. I don't care if you pay $500 or $5000 a month. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Understaffed. Outdated medical equipment. A true horror story."

Nope. Last night I was at my MIL's LTC facility. The staff put on an amazing Valentine's Day dinner (steak and lobster, molten lava cake, harp music). This is not a high-cost facility: it is a faith-based facility. My MIL is on Medicaid and even has a private room. This facility is on a very beautiful (and expensive) suburban lake. They take her on outings and even fishing on their pontoon boat. I admit places like this aren't common but this is proof they do exist, and you are being unfair, unrealistic and overly dramatic about the qualify of facilities. You've seen only 1 apparently. My MIL was transferred to her current fantastic facility from a very decent one (and mostly because it was much closer to us).

"And they try to compare their quality of care to mine."

If we took my MIL into our home, we'd not have our own lives.

"Money is the root of all evil."

To clarify, the accurate scripture is, "The love of money is the root of all evil."

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your family over this issue.

No she is not volunteering any of her time. She lives 100 miles away. The caregivers are there during the day 5 days a week. I come in at 6 PM and stay till 9 AM 7 nights a week. If I cannot be there my sister threatens to put her in a home. I want to honor my mom's wishes of passing away at home. My sister, against my thoughts put Mom into hospice. My mom was walking with a walker. Even making small meals for herself at home. Putting her into hospice they keep her bedridden with a catheter and discourage her from getting out of bed. Of course she is going to lose her ability to walk and not exercising her brain they already are screaming dementia. My sister and older brother conspired behind my back to place her in a home and then informed me of their plan. She was admitted on Tues. They held an estate sale on Thurs. and put her home up for sale on Fri. Yet they tell me that it was not financially motivated. Moms mistake was years ago she put my sister as POA for financial and medical. My brother as executor of the will. I live locally to my mom and have cared for her for years. My Dad passed from Alzheimers 15 years ago. I had him home with me the last 5 years of his life. I mean he did not know who he was. Was in diapers but he could still walk. He was a handful. I did it with no help whatsoever from my siblings. Mom compensated me for that. When my sis and bro sprung this on me I offered to bring mom home with me. They would have no part of that. Told me I could not offer quality of care that a facility could. My wife and daughter are both CNA that work at same facility. WE know what goes on there. Every facility is the same with a different name on the front of the building. I don't care if you pay $500 or $5000 a month. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Understaffed. Outdated medical equipment. A true horror story. And they try to compare their quality of care to mine. It's true what they say. Money is the root of all evil. For those out there that are at a time when POA and such are being granted you need to consult with someone. Granting financial and medical POA to one child may be fine if there is only one child. People change over the years and when one child has power over everything you are almost inviting disaster. At least if the POA's are split you have a better chance of negotiation when the time comes

Of course it’s not OK. Why are you doing it?

Ask yourself this. “Would anyone else do the hardest job in the world for free?” You know what the answer is! It’s, ‘No, of course, they wouldn’t!’ Then ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing it?’

You have the option of telling your sister that nothing in life is free. You can also tell her that she can do it for free if she wants to fill in the gap after you leave.

You don’t have to take orders from sister! And you could walk off the job. You’re not mom’s or sister’s slave.

”But what would happen to them if I don’t keep caring for mom?”

That would be sister’s problem, and I’m sure she’d find someone else if necessary. I bet she’d offer to pay you if you turned in your resignation. Try it and report back soon.

I wish you luck in getting a better deal for yourself.

Is she also volunteering her time?

Have you considered telling your sister that you will not be your mother’s caregiver without compensation?

Have you asked your sister to look at assisted living facilities for your mother so that she no longer needs caregivers at home?