Do I prepare mom with dementia for dad's passing?

You say, "She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her."

That's your answer right there. Mom is to the point in her dementia where she's not bothered when dad is gone. So don't take her to visit him in the hospital, no way. That would be applying your rules of normalcy to HER. She lives in her own world now, which YOU have to enter into. It's a world that requires comfort and no anxiety whenever possible. If and when mom asks about dad, then you tell her he's sick with a cold and cannot visit. When he passes, you can tell her. My aunt had advanced Alzheimer's when her husband passed and the children insisted on taking her to his service at the cemetery. She sat there like a zombie, not understanding what was going on. Same with my mother when dad died, and her dementia wasn't too advanced at the time. She just sat there dry eyed and looking around. I'm not sure WHAT she got out of the funeral, if anything. They just aren't able to process information like we expect them to.

Sending you a prayer for peace in the midst of all of this.

She may be in a sort of denial, which I would consider a good thing.

I would NEVER bring up the subject of "Dad".
If SHE does I would be honest. But short and sweet unless she asks for more. ie "he's in hospital with that nasty cold again" or some such.
If he dies you will have to tell her.

Don't expect her not to react. If someone told you your husband died, would YOU not react? Reaction is the normal thing. I see far too many "children" now taking on responsibility that the parent be "happy all the time". That's not life and never WAS their lives. Life is full of grief and reacting to that grief and loss. You didn't do it. You aren't responsible. It is yet another awful loss which she will handle however she handles it (can't be predicted.)

So I would say to approach it with honesty but don't elaborate unless she wishes it. If she does go into a period of mourning help her with making scrapbooks of their lives together or some such to celebrate their years and their love. They have made it a long long, long journey, worthy of grief and worthy of celebration.

Don't tell her anything about your father's health or even when he passes.
If she's at the point where it's out of sight out of mind and she does not ask about him, leave well enough alone.

Should she ask for him, tell her that he's in the hospital and you're waiting on when he can be released.

Mom doesn't need to know much at all about this at present. Spare her the emergency ER visits, his condition, prognosis, and the hospital. If she asks, be honest but brief. In other words, say that dad's had a few health problems lately and change the topic. If she pursues, release more info. Why make her sad? And if he passes, no need for her to go to the funeral. They are sad affairs no matter how they play out. Usually the funeral home can make and post online a video of the service, which could be played for mom if she gets really inquisitive.

I will say that if I were your mom suffering from memory issues and my dear husband had passed, I would not want to know. I'd want to be left in my own world where he still lives somewhere.

If mom dies not ask about him unless you bring it up or if he has just visited I would not tell her.
I would also tell the staff not to say anything about dad to her.
IF she asks tell her he is not feeling well.
If she asks to see him you can honestly tell her he is in the hospital.
or If she asks to see him you can tell her he is in his apartment but still not feeling well and because of the pneumonia the doctors have said no visitors.

I think you should go day by day and see what is remembered and what is not. That he is ill right now should be told to her if she asks about him. Even his death might be a discussion to be had if she asks. But at some point when she asks, the best thing is to make up a story about where he is. My mom remembered my dad had died for several years, then went back and forth over 3 years of knowing and not knowing, and eventually I would tell her he went fishing when she asked. That was the only thing he ever did on his own without her. She had been with him nearly her entire life, so she never forgot about him, but forgot that he had died. It was a comfort for her to think he was still around.

You don’t know what the outcome will be for your dad yet. Maybe he will pull through this and maybe he won’t.

I don’t think that I would tell your mom anything just yet. It may cause her to have anxiety and make things worse for her.

Shortly after my mother was placed in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I kept this information from my her because it would have upset her terribly. I wanted her to be at peace.

If you do feel that it’s important to tell your mom about your dad, wait until you know something for sure.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.

My mother had dementia and was still at home when my dad (the healthy one) died. He'd been sick for six weeks, and she had picked up on the fact that something was wrong, but she didn't react much.

She was sad when he died, but she never shed a tear, and this was a woman who'd break down at the ending credits of a movie when the music swelled up.

Dementia had robbed her of her emotions, and she had completely forgotten my dad -- her husband of 66 years -- within two months of his death.

Honestly, you need to make the call because you know her best, but I'd treat your mom like you would a young child by not getting into a lot of details.

Dad is sick, she probably doesn't need to visit in the hospital (unless Dad would like to have her come), and if he dies, tell her gently and lovingly, but don't expect a normal reaction. She may kind of shrug it off. My mother was more excited about me taking her to find a blouse to wear to Dad's funeral than she was upset about him dying.

The whole experience was surreal, so don't expect normal here -- you won't find it.

This is my feedback and how I would handle:

Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her.
Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust.

If she doesn't ask, don't remind her / say anything. What good would that do (for her). It will / could agitate her. You want to keep her calm.

She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.

As she 'forgets' this is your answer: it doesn't seem to bother her.
Why upset the apple cart? Perhaps I do not understand your reasoning to bring up a sensitive topic / important relationship that she forgets about).

What do I tell mom about dad's health.

Nothing.

Do I prepare her for his passing.

No, there is no preparing when someone has dementia / forgets as she is doing.
There is 'no reason' to consider 'preparing' as this isn't possible due to memory loss / dementia.

Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released.

Absolutely not. Do not trigger memories, confusion, sadness. There is no reason to do this (to her). Why would you consider? I know you mean well, I just do not understand your reasoning.

I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.

She isn't grasping now. If she asks for him - at any time - tell her he's taking a nap (and will see you later or tomorrow... she'll forget) or something like that. Don't go into any long story.

Those of us of sound mind have difficulty grasping the reality of death / grief. That she is there now - forgetting, confused ... it is a gift in disguise really. The more that she forgets, the calmer she will be in present time.

You want to keep her (refer to) in PRESENT time.
Do not ask her questions that require her to think about the past, i.e., remember something that she can't remember/ recall.

Do google Teepa Snow and watch her You Tubes about how to communicate to an elder parent with memory loss. Reviewand/or buy one (or more) of her books / materials. I did her webinars for close to two years. Excellent training / education.

It is a difficult siutation and most family members learn as they go. It is a lot to learn in a very short time (it IS learning a new language).
No one is really prepared for these sitations unless specifically in the field / trained / understanding byworking with a person with memory loss-dementia.

Gena / Touch Matters

Mom has dementia, but she is still his wife. I would tell her his health is declining. If she asks, explain. I would also be honest and tell her he might not get better. Keep it simple. Then you can tell Dad that you are keeping Mom informed, and that she misses him.

When he dies, which you are saying may be in the near future, you can tell her that Dad was sick for X weeks/months and finally died. Express sympathy and empathy, even if she doesn't show much emotion. You can't change the reality of the situation, but you can show respect and kindness to both of them.