After 10 years of not sleeping in the same room, my husband now wants to sleep in the same bed. He “needs” the TV on to sleep.
I am not sleeping well lately and I know this will be a problem for me. Plus I feel like I need my own space after being “on” for him all day. Am I being selfish for saying no?
So put a TV in his room, then. With dementia, his "needs" may be more than a TV set......is he preoccupied with sex at all, which is VERY common as dementia advances? If so, speak to his doctor about medication to calm down his urges.
My husband (w/ Parkinson’s dementia) threw all kinds of guilt my way when I transitioned out of our hot, stuffy bedroom to our cool, quiet spare room. Angrily asked if I wanted a divorce, etc.
Despite the gnawing in my stomach, I would calmly tell him, “I just need to sleep.” He gradually stopped asking about divorce and I gradually became more empowered to ignore his other guilt trips.
No, you aren't. Explain it as nicely as you are able. Be honest. Tell him you need your own space at night, and an absence of noise. You have a right to SOME things in your life, you know?
I absolutely hate dead silence because I have tinnitus. I listen to podcasts in bed. I put the volume on very low so it doesn’t bother my husband.
Maybe you could suggest that he try listening to podcasts. There are podcasts on a million different topics!
If you want to live together separately to keep your sanity, then do so. Many people sleep in different rooms for various reasons, the tv, a bad back, snoring, etc.
Do whatever works best for you. Don’t worry about what others think.
If you have been sleeping alone for 10 yrs I see no reason to have him now join you now. I agree that this is your time away from him. Why can't u put a TV in hisroom?
For 10 years my DH and I didn't really share a bed. We'd had a TV in the room for 10 years prior and I hated it--he'd routinely fall asleep, I'd turn off the TV and he'd wake up and say "Hey, I was watching that!" This would go on into the wee hours.
After THAT TV bit the dust, I asked him to please just put a TV in the den and watch it in there, if he chose not to do that, I was moving out.
He chose a TV over me and called me a 'princess'. So, I moved downstairs and slept down there for the next 10 years. He traveled a great deal, so it wasn't an 'every-night' kind of thing, but it was a constant reminder that I came in second to the TV.
We moved 2 years ago and I said the same thing: You put a TV in this bedroom and I will sleep downstairs.
He opted to put a giant screen TV in the family room/kitchen area --which is OK. I do not watch a lot of TV and if he is home, it has to be on, all day.
He still watches stuff on his phone, but that doesn't disturb me. And I will still sleep in the downstairs spare room on occasion.
I find it incredibly thoughtless and insensitive for him to have chosen the TV over me. You are NOT selfish for saying 'no' to a TV in the bedroom. A compromise can't be reached? Sleep wherever you are most comfortable.
I am amazed at the number of couples I know who don't share a bed. Sleep is such a huge priority to me--I sleep badly and need a cool, dark quiet room.
My mom went through a phase where she didn't like to be alone and sometimes asked me to sleep with her, I was able to satisfy her by telling her that her bed was too hot for me (true!) but I'd lay beside her on top of the covers for a few minutes or until she fell asleep.
You found a way to appease your mom while setting boundaries. I admire your ability to do this. Caregivers are continually facing challenging situations and don’t always know what to do.
Not selfish at all. Your husband is losing the ability to consider the needs of others. It doesn’t mean you don’t need to look out for your own interests, actually, you need to do so even more so as a caregiver or you’ll be no good to him. Please refuse to do this. And make very sure if he becomes prone to wandering, that he’s safe to be on his own at night or anytime.
No - One Of My pet peeves in a person who needs the tv on at night . never Mind being In the same bed . get your rest and make a boundary with him. Everyone has limits .
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Despite the gnawing in my stomach, I would calmly tell him, “I just need to sleep.” He gradually stopped asking about divorce and I gradually became more empowered to ignore his other guilt trips.
Stick with it — the self-preservation worth it.
Good luck.
Maybe you could suggest that he try listening to podcasts. There are podcasts on a million different topics!
If you want to live together separately to keep your sanity, then do so. Many people sleep in different rooms for various reasons, the tv, a bad back, snoring, etc.
Do whatever works best for you. Don’t worry about what others think.
No, your not selfish.
After THAT TV bit the dust, I asked him to please just put a TV in the den and watch it in there, if he chose not to do that, I was moving out.
He chose a TV over me and called me a 'princess'. So, I moved downstairs and slept down there for the next 10 years. He traveled a great deal, so it wasn't an 'every-night' kind of thing, but it was a constant reminder that I came in second to the TV.
We moved 2 years ago and I said the same thing: You put a TV in this bedroom and I will sleep downstairs.
He opted to put a giant screen TV in the family room/kitchen area --which is OK. I do not watch a lot of TV and if he is home, it has to be on, all day.
He still watches stuff on his phone, but that doesn't disturb me. And I will still sleep in the downstairs spare room on occasion.
I find it incredibly thoughtless and insensitive for him to have chosen the TV over me. You are NOT selfish for saying 'no' to a TV in the bedroom. A compromise can't be reached? Sleep wherever you are most comfortable.
I am amazed at the number of couples I know who don't share a bed. Sleep is such a huge priority to me--I sleep badly and need a cool, dark quiet room.