Mom is 87. Six months ago she had a fall and pelvis fracture, was in rehab for 8 weeks, didn't particpate in PT and has been at home for for nearly 4 months. She has not walked since August. We have VNA and private care and now hospice care.
It is taking a huge toll on 87 year old father with his own medical issues, most recently balance, who acknowledges "he can't do it anymore".
We are working with the attorney to apply to MassHealth and get her into a Medicaid Nursing Home.
She is fairly lucid, reads the paper every day, watches TV and seems perfectly content to have my father wait on her and have helpers change and dress her.
How in the world do we tell her she's going to a nursing home? She will go ballistic. She would NEVER want to discuss AL, let alone LT care. She has an extraordinary fear of nursing homes, because that is where her mother was for about 3 years, unresponsive until she died.
Lastly one place I called is full for LT care, but it appears that patients in short term care, or subacute care, are waiting for a bed in LT care. Beds are available in ST care. Is this common?
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Have you made any decisions about your mom and how did you talk to her about it? Any help is appreciated.
Diane
My MIL went into care the last week of her life. The kids were exhausted--beyond exhausted--and the day they moved her in to the ALF, they all commented "We should have done this 5 years ago".
As it was, they simply sat her down and told her that her care was killing THEM and was simply unsustainable. She cried and carried on and promised to 'do better' but even with 3 adults and numerous CG's coming in, she was requiring 24/7 care and she wanted her kids to do it.
Once the decision was made to move her, it only took 10 days to get her in the facility. In her case, which I am now finding is not really unusual, she gave up trying to stay alive and died (with 24/7 care IN the ALF from her kids) 8 days after being moved.
There is no regret about moving her--I am surprised. It's making for a lot more work to now empty out the ALF AND her home, but it's getting done.
It took a lot of courage to tell her that they had to break that 'we'll never put you in a home' promise they had all made.
Even though it ended up with her never acclimating to the facility, it did put in motion all the things that needed to take place when she died.
MIL had severe dementia by the time they moved her. And they were preparing to have to move her to either a locked down MC facility or psych ward at a hospital as she got so bad and was screaming, kicking & biting people.
My DH says he doesn't think the 'talk' even resonated with her at all. Your mom will be who she is--we can't tell how she'll react. MIL was totally caught off guard and so she reacted badly.
Prepare for any outcome, but be strong. It takes a LOT of courage to do this.
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You also mention that you are applying for MassHeath. Is she in MA and you are in IL? It is a small state. She might get faster placement by letting her in to the next available bed.
If she's lucid, not combative and cooperates with her caregivers, why does she have to be put in a nursing home? I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have seen many people deprived of their liberty and put into a nursing home when they could have been adequately cared for in their own homes by hired help. With most of these kinds of cases, the family insists on placement smiply because they don't want the person in the home anymore.
It's your mother's home. If she and your father can afford to get a couple of live-ins for a while so she can remain at home and your father will not have the burden of her care, then this should be explored.
You tell her GENTLY.
You tell her FIRMLY.
You allow her grief. Is this not worth grieving?
You didn't cause this and can't cure it. You have done the best you can.
The mother is lucid, reads the paper, watches tv, is not combative, cooperates with hired caregivers doing for her, cannot wander off, doesn't need a babysitter 24/7, and is already in hospice care.
Does this sound like a person who should be forced into a Medicaid nursing home? She doesn't sound like one to me.
I can hope that if I get disabled in my old age but am still with it, my husband and son won't just put me away in some nasty Medicaid nursing home.
If such would be the case I'd hope they'd do right enough by me to put a gun next to me then leave the room.
She will most certainly need time to process this information but she will in time. Then, your dad can get the rest that he so deserves.
Reassure her that you will visit her just like you do now. Tell her that she will be well cared for by a professional staff. Let her know that you will oversee her care.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
It's not even about allowing the other to process everything.
If they can afford homecare (which they already have) rearrange it so the father does not have to do the hands-on care.
There's no easy way at such a time in life, I'm afraid. But nobody has the right to drag anybody else down due to tending to their needs all day. I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you try to navigate this difficult time in everyone's life.
It appears it is too late for her to experience that, now.
I’m sorry .