I had read a previous post about a parent with Alzheimer’s in retirement care having issues, and many suggestions were to find Memory Care. My mother is already in Memory Care, and I have been getting more frequent calls about things that I thought the staff would be equipped to deal with.
For some background, my mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s 3 years ago after almost 2 years of cognitive decline and trying to get her doctor to take my concerns seriously. My mother has never listened to me, and it only got worse with the dementia, so as her condition got worse it became increasingly difficult to act as a caregiver and keep her safe at home.
For the last year she has been in a memory care floor of a care home about 20mins away from me. Recently she has been agitated, and after speaking with her doctor I agreed to adding a medication to help keep her calm. She has been violent in the past towards myself (even pre-dementia) as well as another resident in a previous care home. I told her doctor I am ok with whatever she suggests to keep my mother and other residents/staff safe.
Now the staff are calling and leaving me messages saying things like “I’m calling because she is in a bad mood and won’t take medication” or “I’m calling because she won’t listen to me” - no mention of what they expect me to do, except occasionally (not always) asking me to call back.
I am just at a loss for what to do. My mother doesn’t know me anymore and any recognition she does have would not help, as she has always been upset with me “telling her what to do” even before the dementia worsened. I am not sure what the options are if the memory care staff aren’t capable of figuring out how to help her. The staff are also telling visitors (friends of my mother) that they keep trying to contact me with no response, but they often call while I’m at work, and I don’t have the flexibility in my job to step away to take calls that aren’t urgent/emergencies.
I am somewhat alone in this as I am in my early 30’s and don’t have friends who have gone through this with their own parents/close family.
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if she doesn’t want to drink or eat, do not force it.
if she doesn’t ask for food or drink, do not offer it.
THIS IS THE Natural way of life’s ending, and this is okay.
Your mother may need to be admitted to a psychiatric facility to get her on the right meds. Don't resist that suggestion if it is made.
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That affects the brain and their mood.
Its possible.. I’ve seen it with my geriatrics..
You are correct. A MC should be equipped to deal with this. I would ask them what, since your mom doesn't even know you, they expect you, an untrained person to do about this. This may be a case of thinking that you WISH to be informed of every little thing.
One thing is if for certain. It may be time for palliative care/hospice, and a time to either STOP all meds knowing the end is nigh, or to ADD a medication that medicates your mother beyond any of this behavior; it has to be dreadfully distressing for her. People often object to medicating people in this condition into what they call a "stupor" but to be frank, they are distressed and disturbed, and there is no reason for this sort of agony to go on endlessly day to day. It's a torment for them. They would be better staring blankly into space than afraid, upset, combative and confused in this manner.
I would discuss ALL OF THIS with the administration at the facility. It may be time for your mom to enter a neuro-psyc unit to test out some medications that may help her. If not, I would suggest Hospice care and sedation, because if this is what her life looks like now it looks to me like a particularly gruesome circle of Hades.
I am so sorry. This has to be AWFUL for her, for you, for ALL concerned. My heart goes out to you.
The memory care is probably getting at least $10,000 a month for your mother. It's their job to deal with her anger outbursts and difficult behavior not yours. Tell them this the next time they call,
In case they don't know, give permission for them to drug your mother's food and drinks. If her meds come in liquid form they can dose her that way.