How do you cope with the guilt and anxiety of sending your parent to a nursing facility?

There will be some guilt, there's always the anxiety, and then grief kicks in where you parent isn't really your parent anymore. You are now the advocate for them, and you need to be there for them, as they were there for you when you were a child. I always worry if I did the "right" thing for my mom, but there was no alternative really. There are too many medical problems, and she was so lonely in the house by herself. Now she has people to talk to (and argue with).

Honestly I thought my mom was not going to make it to 2024, but here we are. Hospice has been a godsend, and her aids in MC are very sweet and care for her so much better then I ever could by myself. It's an adjustment for sure, but one that is inevitable. Make sure you check a few facilities out if possible, and know that it will take you and her some time to adjust.

A few days before my mom died, while in the hospital, I asked her if she wanted to consider a NH. She said “Not that I want to, might have to.” My mom had anxiety but not dementia. When it is the logical thing to do, then that’s the answer.

When I was in the car, on my way to the hospital to have my first baby, I remember thinking, there is no way out of this but through it.
There are those times in life that we have to face reality.

”you never had control, all you had was anxiety” Elizabeth Gilbert

One foot in front of the other. Don’t over think it. YOU aren’t the author of the cycle of life. We do a lot of fancy dances to avoid reality. You can’t live mom’s life. It’s hers to live out.
You can be her advocate. I’m a lot better advocate than I ever was a caregiver.
It’s a learning curve. We will help you. Hugs

Realize the inevitability of it. Unless a person dies “young”, they’re going to be in a facility. It’s the fate that awaits all of us. It’s as inevitable as entering adolescence, your metabolism slowing down, or entering menopause.

You cope by using the CORRECT definitions:
Guilt infers causation. Meaning in order for guilt to be appropriate, this has to be something you caused, and caused with malice aforethought. It must also be something you can FIX.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
You are not using the right word, and words we tell ourselves, label ourselves, have great power.

The correct word is grief.
You are experiencing grief for all the losses and for having to stand witness to them knowing there will be more added daily to the pile.
Is that not worth grieving?

Throwing your own life on to the funeral pyre of your parent doesn't help your parent and it doesn't help you.
Life is full of grief at any age, full of unhappy times.
You do your best and understand your human limitations. You aren't god, and Sainthood is a nasty job description.

I wish you the best.

My mother entered a nursing home because it was the only safe and effective option for her care. Why would I feel guilt about seeing that she had a team of professional caregivers who could accomplish what I could not? It’s normal to feel sad that it can’t be different or better, but guilt is misplaced. You’re mom’s advocate in her new setting now, making sure she’s well cared for and has what she needs. Please don’t spend time on the useless guilt, it will only get in the way of your new caregiving role. I wish you peace

I did a jig when my mother finally went in. They are now together. No guilt here.

My parents are getting better care there than I and my siblings could give. It would have killed us trying.

My mother hates it there but I don’t care. She is where she needs to be.

You didn’t make your parent old , you can’t fix old . Your parent is where he/she gets the care that they need . It’s not perfect but is necessary .

You do not give any info but ask yourself these questions.
Can my parent remain at home SAFELY?
Does my parent need 24/7 care?

Placing anyone in care is not an easy decision. And it shouldn't be.
So when you get to the point where you have made that decision a LOT of though and anguish has gone into it.
I am sure you have gone over all the Pro's and Con's.
Do not second guess yourself or your decision.

I am sure your parent will say they hate it.
I am sure they will say they hate you for "putting them away"
Just remind them and yourself that you made this decision because you are wanting the best for them.

But you can not be a daughter (or son) to your parent and not a primary caregiver.

Why is she being placed in a nursing home? Is she not able to get proper care at home? Are you concerned that YOU are not able to care for her anymore? If that’s the case, then by placing her in a care facility you ARE taking care of her. I understand your anxiety in transferring the responsibility of her care to someone else, but try to set the guilt aside and realize you are doing what’s best for her.

Remind Yourself this is what they need. When they aren't able to take care of themselves, and you aren't able to either for different reasons, this is sadly for the best.

But you can help them adjust. When they want to go home, Validate how they feel, and then Redirect them to something else.
Talk about their interests, look at pictures or magazines. Go for a walk together. Do activities with them in common area. Etc.

All the best