My husband is incontinent and seems to get a kick out of making it more difficult for me to clean up.

Yes. Your husband's behavior can absolutely be deliberate. I was an in-home caregiver for a long time (25 years) and have seen exactly this kind of behavior many times and it was absolutely deliberate.

I am reminded of a client I had some years ago. An elderly lady with what was diagnosed as mild to moderate dementia who wore diapers. She lived with her son and DIL who she detested with all her heart.

The son and DIL both worked full-time jobs so I worked for her during the day. This woman would once or twice pee during the day but would not be toileted to crap. She would fart up a storm and I knew she had to go but she would hold it. Not out of embarrassment because she didn't want me helping her. No, that was not the reason.

The reason was that she saved it for her DIL who she hated. The second I set my foot outside the door when her DIL pulled in the driveway she'd let that load go. Then she'd laugh about it because her DIL had to clean everything up.

I told the DIL that she should leave her sitting in it until her husband got home from work and he could start cleaning her. Of course he used the excuse that so many men play to get out of caregiving. The claiming that he "just couldn't" change his mother. The ended up placing the mother in AL instead of placing their marriage in the divorce court.

I don't know if you have homecare coming. If not, then get some coming.
The next time your husband does something he thinks is "cute" or gets a "kick" out of involving his own incontinence, leave him sitting in it. Do not clean it up until you're damn good and ready to. Or not at all if you don't want to.

Move your bed to a different room and put a lock on the door if needs be to kep him out. You should have your own space that is not stained and stinking of piss and sh*t.

I'll level with you here. In my long experience with caregiving I found when piss and sh*t becomes a game or something of interest to the person you're a caregiver to, they should be placed in a care facility.

You should really look at a few places for your husband.

He needs to be in a facility right freaking now.

Moving to another bedroom simply means he won't be dropping a load in front of you anymore. But the mess will still be waiting for you the next morning. That's hardly an improvement.

Get him an Alzheimer's anti strip suit and insist he sleep in it. Put a disposable brief on him first, the suit, and no more of this nonsense will happen. Then move those beds apart or go set up your new bedroom in the spare room, where you can sleep alone in peace. Hubbys disease has progressed beyond the point where can be sharing a bed anymore. Whether he's doing these things intentionally or not, who knows, but you have to find a way to stop it!

If this arrangement doesn't work for him, or if this situation becomes too much to handle (which sounds like it already has), place him in Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid.

https://www.amazon.com/Clothing-Alzheimers-Dementia-Onesie-Jumpsuit/dp/B0851XGHXX/ref=sr_1_3?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0-z6gAoklRPV_9nGXeWMJQFZQvmIGqzjBvSByTT1xc6n_LXvkF7x8Abl5e7y0vIcLprn5eZk901IFGHlgiV0hTamKzm3EAiujaY_QGSBHzc._aU8T2j2yva0jimuKgNqKdn6lVQ97BpbLlQ7PgIMZjY&dib_tag=se&keywords=Alzheimers+anti+strip+suit&qid=1709172424&sr=8-3

Best of luck with a difficult situation.

Your poor thing. Set up your spare bedroom and get a lock on the door. Tell him you aren't sleeping together anymore after the mess he made. It would have taken him effort to do it.

I know we get told to "blame the dementia, not the person." I'm not buying it.

After all you have gone through with cancer, him creating toxic waste for you to clean up is torture that you don't deserve. I'd be very tempted to whack him with his cane!

Time to seriously consider placement. You fought to survive and he is so mean and disgusting to you now? He is putting your health at risk with e.coli or worse. Sure you had fun times long ago, but this is pure nastiness you don't deserve. What happens if you die first? It's time to stop the torture.

Deliberate or not , you need your own bed . In general , after reading your profile , this is too much for you to handle at home . I also think you know this already, but he needs memory care, or SNF on Medicaid . An eldercare lawyer can help you with how assets are split so you can stay in your home.

Sorry you are going through this.

You pushed 2 beds together for WHAT PURPOSE????????????

So now you have 2 beds to clean when he does this. Ugh.
I'll put up with a lot, but if this were my DH? I would have him placed ASAP.

Sadly, it seems as if the ability to act 'normally' is no longer a part of his life. And it's going to get worse, even though you think you can help him--a broken brain is not going to retain new information and behave better.

I'm so sorry for this.

Do you have a guest bedroom? I’d start sleeping in there and put a lock on the door so he can’t go in and poop.

I always believe in telling elders that the next time it happens, they’re going to a home. A lot of dementia pts due process some boundaries, after all.

SharonSharon,
"Am I crazy or could it somehow be deliberate? I have found out about so many lies he told me, times he gaslighted me, and according to him, got a kick out of getting away with it."

The "LIES" he has talked about happening in the past, telling you now, could just as likely be new lies (or confabulation) about it happening at all.

You may not be crazy, but listening to him and believing it could drive you crazy, and what sends you off the deep end. Listen to other's good advice.
Try some separation between the beds, between the rooms, and a respite time for you to get away.

You can obtain an assessment from a geriatric care manager to help you make the tough decisions for when you can no longer care for him by yourself.
Bringing in caregiver help, or placing him-is a tough decision. Don't suffer it out on your own.

His behaviors could be deliberate, but from a broken brain.

You are not obligated to do any of this on your own. No one can caregive very long for 24/7, it is not sustainable.

What is stopping you from placing him in a facility? Do you need some advice on how to go about it? Splitting finances? Please get yourself out of this situation.