What is this plague that caregivers must endure from our families?

It’s because the caregiver becomes the ( step) parent they don’t like. Everyone else becomes that “ fun” relative that comes to visit and tells them what they want to hear, agrees with their complaints .

My hubby’s father died last month . Hubby felt the same as you especially when he saw his Dad’s face light up and mood change with other people. Hubby also heard his Dad on the phone with his dead wife’s adult children . His Dad would cry and tell them he loved them and missed them. He hadn’t told his own son he loved him in who knows how many years. Hubby rescued him from ( living near no relatives ) 1200 miles away , brought him by us to live in assisted living . Managed his finances, appts , took him out , brought him take out etc .

Not one warm remark. Just cold “ thank you “ sometimes as if he was talking to another staff member. Hubby is left trying to process this in his brain .

The other commenters have made good comments. There are a lot of interpersonal dynamics between the elderly LO (especially if with dementia), and family members/ friends/ caregivers and as you mention, reaction to people can strangely vary. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
I'm not a hands on caregiver, but more of a manager. For a while my dad was mad at me as I was "not letting him go home and forcing him to stay in AL". ( the truth is that I was not stopping him going home, but told him if he goes home, i'm not helping or supporting that unwise endeavor).
So he was not pleasant to me, but super nice to other family members who called once a month, as he thought and pleaded with them to "save him"... (which they didnt). Now he's back to being nice to me, and no one else is really calling very much, and when they do , hes back to complaining to them and not being super sweet (as none of them offered to save him). Oh- the other day he mentioned to my uncle that now, "My son has turned into my father and tells me what to do ". I'm actually pleased to hear that he has that impression of me!
its all super strange. But, as my friends tell me, and people on this forum have told me, regardless of what you are doing and your role, "don't be or act like a doormat".

Hi! Vent away 😜😡

Did you read that sad post where the fulltime Caregiver's Mother was end of life & the out of town sibling just turned up & compalined about the light globes?

I'm still in shock over THAT.

Yes. Absence DOES make the heart go fonder, because you are not dealing with the person realistically. You don't KNOW the person. You don't see the bad stuff. The unmade meal, the unmade bed, the bad mood moments.

All throughout life it is difficult to live with another person be they your mother, father, brother, sister, roommate, spouse. You have to adapt and adjust, and it isn't just urban legend and songwriting that claims "You always hurt the one you love, the one you should hurt at all".

You know this. Think about it.
Also know that by being a caregiver you are no longer a spouse, a son, a daughter. You are a caregiver. The decider of every awful meal, every bad TV choice, every discomfort, every awful appointment. You are the CAREGIVER.
You can't return to being son and daughter.
THEY are the ones who stayed happily away.

You have made this choice.
You have to embrace it acknowledging what it is.
No one will praise you. They already feel guilty enough to have to do that. They will criticize you and tell you "you made this choice" (and in that they're right. They will tell you you aren't doing it well enough. They will tell you you shouldn't even be doing it.

I am so sorry. This is a part of what it is.
And it is very, very sad.
My heart goes out to you.

If you can afford it, move out. Let brother and his wife take care of Mom. I hope you gave POA so you can handle Moms money.

What an amazing question, I've been asking myself for a while.
One answer I have found when it comes to friends most, are truly good people, they really don't know what to say or how to help.
Some have there own fears of aging and worry about who is going to take care of them.
Others just really have no clue in the world how hard this is, and there really is no way they can no unless and until they are where we are
Others really miss there loved one and would do anything for one more day.
Im sure with all this complaining we all do. When they die, and time passes we will miss them. Then when someone complains about caregiving, we might forget some of the struggles we are going through. And say the wrong thing because of nostalgia. Maybe?? Lol

Love your last line in your post about therapy! Caregiving, or should I say extended caregiving for long periods of time will send many people to therapy! I know that I had a weekly appointment every Wednesday at 11:00!

We can all get through just about anything for a brief period of time. It’s incredibly hard when these situations seem to have no end in sight and it goes on for years!

Then we become overwhelmed and it’s way past time to start thinking about allowing others to help, either from a staff in a facility or from an agency or privately paid caregiver.

My mother is giving me the cold shoulder, evil eyes and pissy face, for 2 weeks because I mentioned to my brother that maybe we could figure out a way for me to get paid. Well my wonderful sweet brother, decided to tell my mother. Anyways I decided I would never wait to get paid, she would think she owns me, more than she has the last 2 years. I'm still going over to do what I do, but less for now, till mom gets over it, and when I do, it's alot quieter now, 😂 and I'm enjoying more time to myself and not letting it bother me. Families really can suck.